I hate myself today

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God's Power to guide me,
God's Might to uphold me,
God's Wisdom to teach me,
God's Eye to watch over me,
God's Ear to hear me,
God's Word to give me speech,
God's Hand to guide me,
God's Way to lie before me,
God's Shield to shelter me,
God's Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.
Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck],
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.
Amen.

Pretty font colors :)

Persistant God,

Your voice beckons

like some secret yet to be revealed.

I am drawn to your invitation

yet scared by the possibilities

it might hold for my life.

You ask to be loved with

a whole heart,

a whole soul,

and a whole mind

and I tremble at the thought of what

that will demand of me and my life.

Lead me to a place where I can hear

the wisdom of your words.

Speak to me so that I can understand

your plan for me.

Call me to a life that serves you.

Strengthen me so that my "Yes!"

is louder than the world's "No!"

Gift me with the faith

to answer your call and the trust

to follow your footsteps

all the days of my life.

Amen.

I got this last friday from the LA Archdiocese's vocation director.

I've been introspective the last week days realizing how dependent I am on parental approval and how decisions about what degrees to obtain in graduate school can really go against what God may be calling me to.

First, I have been trying to make sense out of one thing, and I can only do that through an child-like metaphor. When children are first learning about themselves and the world, they develop a secure base with the parent to whom they are securely attached. What this means is that kids develop a strong and positive attachments to parents who are fun, loving, and attentive to their needs. A secure base, refers to the action of kids when they go and explore. It's an emotional bond that acts like a bungee cord between child and parent: the kid goes out and explores, looks back at mom (or dad) to see that she (or he) is still there and that they are safe, then they go on exploring, then the kid looks back some more, etc. This week I have been heavily thinking about pursuing more than a Masters, to go after a PsyD (it'll get the Dr. in front of my name) and it will allow me to do clinical therapy, but hopefully won't stress statistics quite as much. I told Dad about it on Monday evening and he was very pleased. So I went upstairs to tell Mom and she just shrugged it off! So Dad's approval pushes me onward, and Mom's ambivalence makes me hestitate. Don't you just love psychology! (I know I do).

Secondly, I've been thinking that with my personality and quirks that I don't know how cut out I am for community living, that I might be better off as "just" a consecrated virgin? I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I know that getting the PsyD will take about 5 years for me to complete, and that if I do become a sister I will lose my family. I will lose them, there's not a single doubt about that at all. It would break Gramma's heart, too. How do I do that to a widow? Besides, with the PsyD, I'd be able to do what I like, and I can't do that in a convent where the hours are aligned with those of the normal working world. I am attracted to the life style where I am self-sacrificing in that I could get a 2am attempted suicide emergency phone call, or having to rush out somewhere to help someone else and need to ignore the needs of someone in less urgent need of me. That kind of attention to other people is attractive to me, not in just myself, but in other people. I'd almost say it'd be a "turn on."

How do I know that this is what God truly wants and I'm not just running from the reality of being responsible for my own financial well-being? Of having to move out of the house? of having to answer to myself and the various bills I'll get? I know that God is calling me to do something, I just don't know quite what that is. It's just that I think it would be really weird if He were calling me to marriage because I don't see myself in that role. I enjoy being single, but the thought of being 60 years old and being alone in a home is scary to me. I don't like the idea of having children of my own, but I could adopt, God knows there's lots of abandoned Chinese baby girls that could use a nice, safe home; chinese babies are so cute. Are CVs able to be adoptee single moms? I have no idea. I'm grabbing at straws. I don't like uncertainty, but I'm also not afraid to say that I am uncertain. I hope that at least makes sense to you.

Hanegraff and his cults & life venues creates confusion

Confusion is not a fun little thing at all. I can only hide it for so long.

I have many different things on my mind. I could do up to three different degrees in graduate school: Ph.D., Psy.D., or a Masters (in any number of specializations). I could do any number of religious venues: a order, or a CV (consecrated virgin).

Sidenote:
Who the hell told Hank Hanegraff that he should support a theological and sociological cult?! If you still don't understand what exactly is wrong with the Local Church, ask me and I'll try to tell you from what I remember and used to understand. It's been about a year since I had to explain the twistedness of that group, and since you only retain the information that you rehearse, I might end up directing you towards a lot of web links from reputable sources that explain it better than I do. Once you leave the cult mentality, it's hard to understand it again once you're out.