Reflecting

I got an email over the weekend from Sr Joseph with one of the most simplistic subject lines: "Fwd: Oprah."

Last spring, Oprah, featured the Dominican Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist (DSMME or SMMEs) on her show.  Apparently, she's back at it.  It was supposed to have aired today.  If someone can find the full episode clip of the Sisters, I'd love to watch it.

Here's the link.

I could have been there.  I could have either learned on this side of the convent walls as I did, or I could have learned inside them, that I wasn't supposed to be there.  I shouldn't be spending time on what could have been, but on where I'm going.

A Quick Update

As I have mentioned in the past several posts, the DSMME put a deadline on my student loans. I have spoken with many KoC and other Catholic societies in the region and have been told not much can be started before March. March does not leave me a lot of time, so instead of buckling down and plastering this world with monetary pleas, I've been praying more.

Which leads me to say that I think God is calling me elsewhere. I'm not 100% certain, nor am I pouring the concrete until the Sisters' deadline has arrived.

In the meantime, if you could squeeze me into your prayers - for clarity - I'd really appreciate it!

Change Is In the Air

I received an email from the D. Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist Sunday. It puts a demanding deadline on taking care of my student loans, one that will not be met, most likely.

I was upset for a day, now I'm so calm about the email and its implications of not entering, that it surprises even me!

So, I'm awaiting God (and my spiritual director) to provide some clarity about my other options.

I have to discern whether God is saying "yes" to my entering the DSMME, just not at this time, or God wants me elsewhere. It is that elsewhere that I'm waiting for more clarity.

~*~

I spent this past weekend at a Confirmation retreat for St James in Redondo Beach. My role there is giving me reason to pause and consider what "elsewhere" might mean.

There's Something About the Sisters of Mary

Why do you want to enter the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist?

I want to enter the SMMEs for a few reasons. The first year of my discernment from 2006 through 2007 was spent in prayer and I did not have a spiritual director at that time. I was in contact with a few different religious orders: Mission San Jose Dominicans, Daughters of Charity and School Sisters of Notre Dame. I liked different things about each one, but I soon recognized an undercurrent of apprehension: were those convents the right place? What did they think of me? Would I fit in? Why don't they practice their traditional charism? why the denuded chapels? why do they have to schedule in community time or prayer time together? why this and why that?

When I stepped foot into the SMME motherhouse that Friday evening none of those previously ever-present questions arose in my mind. I was completely focused on God and on just enjoying myself during the retreat. I felt this sense of peace within myself; I no longer had to search and question and research; no more comparison and contrast with my beliefs and practices with that of the religious community. I felt that it was over - which is why I so readily asked for papers Saturday morning before that evening's Eucharistic Adoration - I had already asked Jesus Friday night where He wanted me. He gave me the answers one after the other. The whole weekend God was saying "Yes, this is the place" in all those special ways He does in our own understanding of Scripture, prayer, music, people, etc. Lastly, as I was leaving Sunday to go home, I tried to see myself at the SMMEs just as I had tried with the MSJ Dominicans, the DCs, and SNDs; never had I pictured myself that way before, so fully.

What is it about this Community and our way of life that most appeals to you?

I'm very attracted to the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist way of life and community for reasons that echo the above. In the years since my Confirmation I have had to re-teach myself the mechanisms of the Catholic Church. I've had to learn about charisms, evangelical counsels, virtues of the flesh and theology. Few religious orders and communities actually practice a vow of obedience and poverty as I have seen in the SMMEs. There is a true sense of community: in the Eucharist and prayer life, in your daily life, and your interaction with each other. The vows and community life are faithfully lived out - sacrifice is not questioned, it's expected. I'll never forget the visit I made to convent here in Los Angeles and I was asked "Why should you have to sacrifice XYZ?" I don't have to sacrifice. I could enter a religious community that would permit me to own things - but then I'm not really, fully loving God, am I? Isn't that Who this is all about? God invites us, we say "yes," and I'm only supposed to give up what I think I can manage? No. I'm reminded of the verse in Revelations that describes what type of service and love God enjoys -- either be hot or cold, but not lukewarm. The Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist are definitely filled with Love and Passion for God and interested in doing His service and His will. Oh, and you're faithful to the Magisterium, which is important as I’ve seen it affect faith and salvation first hand in those who decide to add “New Age” or east Asian practices to the Catholic faith and liturgy; I don’t like the spiritual “funny” business.

Oh, to be Heard by my Lord!

I am aching to put my thoughts and feelings into words for you, yet the task lingers before me. Words and sentences fail me – nothing sounds quite right. Perhaps that is fitting?

Love is blind, especially when it comes to us loving Our Lord. We hear our Souls saying stark, simple prayers, then mutter in our beings that surely the Lord will not take our Soul’s groans seriously. Perhaps He thought us just thinking and not praying and requesting that He make us broken, or impoverished, or a Fool for Him.

I knew that I was going to suffer, and that the heartbreak would be beyond anything I could imagine or prepare. I could arm myself with His Armour (Eph. 6), but as I couldn’t imagine, I couldn’t prepare myself further, except through prayer. Thus I chose a prayer:

Holy Mother, pierce me through, In my heart each wound renew Of my
Saviour crucified. Amen.

This prayer to the Five Wounds of Christ had one repeating phrase pleading Momma Mary to take my heart into her holy hands, and present it to our Lord. He was then to say it be done to me, as it was done to Him! My heart was to bear each Wound of His Blessed Flesh, from the nail piercing and bruising from the hammer blows, to the gaping tear of the thrust lance.

And I broke. What else was I to do? I could not fathom praising Him. Why would I want to praise Him for pain? Two months later, I understand that is what I should be doing because I now know with every fiber of my Being that He hears me. What am I that He should listen to me? Listen, He does. It is more than many dare ponder.

Fun with the Family

If it weren't spiritually agonizing, I'd howl with laughter at the plans my mother and father are cooking to keep me from the convent. I may not go this year, but hopefully I'll enter next year.

My Grandmother asks what is wrong with me for not wanting to marry. A friend told me to quip "I'm marrying Jesus" and while I am, I don't want to attend a funeral.

My mother wants me to attend business school, when I just graduated with a Masters in social work 2 months ago.

Dad said that he could barely afford to make my monthly loan payments if I don't get a job soon; yet he's willing to pay that and tuition if I go back to school.

Dad says I cannot collect donations from parishes and friends through the Laboure Society because I will be "taking it away from others." Pardon me, but this is Los Angeles! Where do you see other vocations?!? (Okay, so we exist, but we keep it covert.)

And the reasons I want to laugh:

1. whatever is not the Will of God will be thwarted.
2. Jesus came to separate Mother from daughter, father from son, etc.
3. I'm 24 & they can't force me to go to school.

Vocation Donations

Hello Everyone!

As you may or may not know, my name is Megan Singer and I have been in discernment for the past 3 years. I was recently on retreat and accepted to the Sisters of Mary (http://www.sistersofmary.org).

The bad news is that due to my student debt I am unable to enter this August 28th as planned, but will enter Aug 28th 2010. The good news is that the Laboure Society has agreed to work with me. The Laboure Society enables me to collect donations in an anonymous and tax deductible manner.

I would love to send you more information with my vocation story. To do so, I need your NAME and ADDRESS.

Thank you so very much, & God Bless.

p.s. - if you know of anyone else who would like to help out, please pass this along.

Sincerely,

Megan Singer

lvngembrs@gmail.com

Familial Reaction to Vocation

I always knew it would be tough. I did not expect to feel like my heart had been torn out.

***

I told my mom about my discernment on Sunday afternoon around 4:25pm.

Remember that meeting I went to in Ann Arbor in November? Well I met a sister there and she recently emailed me about a retreat for the last week of June. It's for women like me who are thinking about but are uncertain of religious life.

I'm not going to waste my time, or give dignity to the things that she said to me. They were insulting, and she still looks at me with disgust and acts like I'm contaminated or contagious. There was nothing left un-insulted from my friends, the Faith, God, and myself. She insulted my judgment, my competency, my modesty, among other things.

Monday morning, my father instructed me to remove all religious items from my room: books, conservative skirts, prayer cards, Rosaries, statues, etc. There are four religious items in my room left: KJV Bible, a St Benedict medal above the doorway, a small Crucifix, and a nondescript statue of Mary. My mother stayed home from work this day because she was so upset. I was not allowed to stay home while she was there, so I spent the majority of my time in my car in parking lots. All my religious items and clothing for postulancy are in my car.

Tuesday, I went to Bible study in the evening, but everything felt like it was going through a filter. I was walking around in a spiritual haze.

Wednesday and Thursday I have been feeling better, but there are still moments.

***

My father has removed his support from me. He says that supporting me would ruin his marriage.

***

I have to purchase 3 years of health insurance for postulancy and novitate, and my father does not want anything less than full coverage. He will not let me attend the pre-postulancy retreat (6/27-7/3) unless he finds something that is satisfactory to his standards.

My mother and grandmother want me to work a year before considering religious life - if at all. My father is attempting to use this as leverage for me to buy the perfect health insurance plan for myself. However, if I were to work, as a social worker, what would remain after the government took from the paycheck, I would not have enough to afford his coveted ideal plan after several years of work.

If I do not go to pre-postulancy, my ability to enter on August is largely shot. Additionally, I need to pay off or have someone assume my $47,500 of student debt.

Drumroll Please!!

The long awaited vocation story:

I never once thought in all the time of my childhood or adolescence that I would be where I am today.  It wasn’t even really permitted – to think of religious life: poverty, chastity, and obedience in the service of God.  I cannot take credit for anything other than my “Yes” to God nearly four years ago.  It had been in private prayer to God when I came across a psalm verse that stated that God will fulfill His promise when we keep our vows.  I promised to Him then and there, before I ever became aware of the import of my prayer, that He could use me however He wanted, whenever He wanted.

While there were many people who pointed me over the past four years towards religious life, there are a few who stand out the most.  These are not the people who said “Megan, you look like a nun” or stated “You sound like a nun,” or even “God’s army needs you.”  No.  There are people who have shown me in their life, in their taking and living of religious vows what it means to see Christ in other people.  The greatest example I have personally experienced of that level of love and sacrifice can only come from a true zeal for Souls.  A friend of mine, Fr. Aaron Kuhn, was not the one to say that I looked or sounded like a nun.  He’s witnessed religious life and the suffering love that is so inherently desirable.  If there were to be one ideal, one moment that could be taken to say that encouraged and demonstrates the very nature of vocation – it is that he cared for a person and a soul that he had not met and barely knew.  As he has written recently, “These moments carry heavy opportunities to love, to suffer in humility, in magnanimity, in charity, to follow Christ as he is misunderstood, slandered, and crucified.”

I do not know where my “Yes” and my Love for God will take me; I don’t know where Christ is leading me, but I know that He has me by the hand.  I know that He’ll teach me an ever increasing Love and Zeal for Souls.  He has led me to a spiritual Home here with the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist.  For it is here with the Sisters of Mary that I will be daily impacting Eternity through supplication, praise, and belongingness.  As Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta stated, “I belong to Jesus. He must have the right to use me without consulting me.  The very life of our vocation is belonging and being used.”  A Bride stands beside her Divine Spouse; they endure all things together.

Up and Coming

+JMJ+

Soon I will be posting up here my vocation story and details on how to donate, to help me pay off my student loans.

It is on the 15th of May that I will graduate with my Masters in Social Work, and in order to better pay off my loans am seeking work until I have to leave to enter the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist in late August.

But don't fret, all the details about donating, dates, etc will be in the upcoming posts!

In Christ, with Mary,
Megan

Acceptance to SMMEs

March 4, 2009

Dear Megan,

We have recieved your completed official applicationof possible entrance into our community, the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist, and after study of your documents, have decided to accept you for entrance into the community! Congratulations! How such news must warm your heart - and please know that we are most grateful to God as well! Only God can give a religious vocation and thus all honor and glory and gratitude be to Him for this grace! But we also thank you for your response to His offered gift! We can imagine your joy in recieving this news!

[details about entrance date]

[signed]
In Mary, Mother of the Eucharist,
Mother Assumpta, OP

High Price for Vocation

I'm approxiamately 2 weeks away from submitting my application for entrance to the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist. I'm waiting to set up a time with my Spiritual Director to review it and get the physical exam done as well.

After that, I can send it in.

Of course, there's a but to be expected. I know that if God can handle my salvation, He can handle $46,700 in student loans.

I know of two resources:

• the Laboure Society
• Mater Ecclesiae Fund for Vocations

But are there others? Are there certain patron Saints I could appeal to?