a quote about the Holy Cross

"My daughter, if the Cross was not felt, it could not be called a Cross. Be certain that if you stand beneath the Cross you will never be lost. The Devil has no power over those souls who weep near the Cross. My daughter, how many would have abandoned Me, if I had not crucified them. The Cross is a very precious gift, and many virtues can be learned through it." -- Jesus to St. Gemma

Lenten Reflection

Lent is a solemn and sober season.  It is at once my most favorite, and one that I do not always look forward to with eagerness, but I do look forward to it with a certain spiritual sobriety and longing.

In 2008 I fasted particularly strongly: no noise, music, or auditory stimulation at all. The only music, conversation etc occurred every Sunday at Mass.  It took me a good two weeks after Easter to turn the radio on in the car.  I cannot fast that way this year, however I am curtailing my music choices.  I'm cutting certain practices out, and resuming some spiritual reading.  What I mean by cutting certain practices out, is not like giving up chocolate or not watching television to gain more time to read.  Rather I'm gouging out unsavory practices: habitual sin. I know that it's going to flare up before it ceases, but it will end.

As Lent is somber, there's a pervasive element of despair.  It's the desert season: without water, without seeming refuge; exposed under scrutiny however painful.  It's a time that I give myself permission to spiritually flounder, and I pray for it as well.  I know that I need pruning and trimming.  It's a difficult process, but in being aware that I need to go through it, I have to let it occur.  I do not like it.  I do not willingly seek it out in joy.

Do we enjoy scrubbing the toilet? No, but wouldn't you rather have a clean toilet to purge into when you've got food poisoning?  Well, it's the same spiritually. We need to enter into Lent and it's sobriety to purge our Souls.

Masking

Driving home last night from my counseling class, I realized my mask of control has been slipping off a lot more frequently. I'm going to be posting some things on here, which are much more stark and blunt about my life and my personal struggles, than I have posted here on Blogger in the past. You have been given fair warning.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

First, a month-by-Month Play to bring you up to speed:

October was (I can barely remember) okay. I don’t think I got any job interviews during that month, and sitting at home was pretty boring and depressing. The best way I’ve come to describe Oct – Dec is that it was like sitting on a rock in a forest at night, and a heavy damp fog rolls in. And I’m just supposed to sit there and wait for the sun to come and burn off the fog.

November was better, activity wise. I had a few more job interviews, although no offers. I took part in NaNoWriMo, which is a manic writing spree hosted online. The goal is to write 50,000 words in 30 days in a somewhat cohesive manner; to write a novella in 30 days. It was a blast, although in posting my chapters online I got flamed by some people because my characters weren’t all Christian saints – there’s no plot without drama, &c. Needless to say, I didn’t keep those people around, and in currently beginning my second draft, I’m removing some characters as well.

Mom had an episode; not as bad as the one in September where dad had to restrain her and we debated above her yelling, whether to call the paramedics.

December, in an effort to make some money, I was one of those kettle workers/bell ringers for the Salvation Army. I rang a bell for 7.5 hrs/day; for $8/hr. It’s boring, mind-numbing, and depressing. I had to quit, since there came a day where I just lay in bed for a full hour, fully awake but unable to find an ounce of strength to actually get up. I made a call to my spiritual director, and made an appointment with my therapist (who I hadn’t seen since April 2009) which went against all my natural inclinations to just shut away. December was gray.

January
I never did see my therapist; and I found a job through someone I met while bell ringing. Let’s call him “Dirty-Old-Man” (aka, DOM). Why? Because that’s what he is. I was paid $10/hr under the table, a few days per week, in an office in South Pasadena (1.5 hours from home). The $100/wk I made working for him just about covered my gas for the week and food, and sometimes if I played the dollar right, was able to scrimp up a bit for fun nights.

I felt better than I had in December. Except for my boss, who looked at the other women in the office the wrong way – there were only 6 people in the office. I was hired to sort through and organize paper; copy & fax, etc. Well, the things I had to sort through were economic futures and the occasional unsavory email between my boss and women half his age (ick). So, I wasn’t comfortable working for him and do not complain that he ‘fired’ me via email in February. The only thing I miss is having some money.

I had 3 job interviews, some of them looked good. I didn’t land any of them.

I think it was in January, although it may have been February, the Sisters informed me that my acceptance was only good for two years, and if I did not have my loans taken care of by June 1st I wouldn’t be entering. I have been interacting with KoC and other regional Catholic groups in parishes, and none of the groups are able to help much, if at all. I was told that March would be too soon to have any funds raised at all.

Mom had another episode. I’ve since noticed that I get terrible tension headaches and migraines after her tantrums (the kind that 75 mg of Vicodin don’t help with the pain).

February
As I mentioned above, I lost my job with the DOM. I started taking classes at West LA Community College to fill my time, to stay relevant in the field. Plus my parents would not stop bugging me about it. Clearly, I wasn’t getting hired any time soon with 12% unemployment in CA, so I should be back in school again. Funny enough, now they want me to look for jobs instead of studying. I’ve got three classes in the Drug and Alcohol Counseling program. If I actually finish the program, I would have a certification in D&A counseling.

Lent was odd. Some weeks were insightful, and others just dragged in that Lenten way.

I got told by a ‘friend’ that I was abusive, abrasive, and should not speak until spoken to. Then he promptly invited me to help him move out of his apartment. I’m “abusive” but he wants my company? No, that’s not the way it works. I haven’t spoken to him since, which apparently he is fine with.

I think mom had another episode; I had about a whole week of tension headaches and migraines. One of them is the now infamous Vicodin-don’t-work migraine. That sucked; you really have no idea. I say ‘think’ because I’m pretty sure that she did, but I tend to block them (yeah, block them & try my hardest to not listen or remember what she says).

Continued discernment about my loans and vocation. Seems to be less called to the Sisters. Focusing more on what is my experience of the Faith, what I enjoy doing, and why certain Saints come through for me (One of them dramatically shaped religious life; and I’m curious to know why this one Saint comes through for me when so many others with more appropriate patronage do not).

March
About two job interviews, one of which led to a second interview; really excited about this, but down playing it. I’m pretty jaded and ambivalent now about finding a job. A whole year of unemployment, I’m amazed that I still try!

I don’t know. I don’t try too hard to remember the past month, or much of anything. =) I went to the Los Angeles Religious Education Congress (it’s as bad as they say it is) but it’s a weekend outside of the house and somebody gave me their tickets. It was cool.

April
Easter Vigil was awesome. Ended running into friends which makes it better, left with standing room only (long narrow church from the 1880s).

Mom decided to quit her job. On one hand that’s good because she’s less stressed and less likely to blow up. And here the other shoe drops – she’s home all day with me: the unemployed, unsuccessful daughter. So, when she’s not busy with other things, which wore off after the 2nd week, I’m her project. She’s signing me up for classes. Pushing for me to enroll in an MBA program, etc.

You say, ‘get a job’? I’m trying!!

You say, move out? I have $323.60 in the bank. If I move out, I have to pay for food, rent (upwards of $900/mo), car insurance, health insurance, gas, cell phone bill, etc. I have no job; no job, no move out. I particularly enjoy hearing from people who say ‘move in with me’ and what, they’re gonna be my sugar daddy?!? I’m not floating in money, I’m floating in debt!

~ ~ ~

If you’re saying, “And the good times?” They’re all in there in between. I stopped attending the Bible study session and prayer meetings for Adoration nights during Lent and Faith sharing dinners with closer friends. I’ll probably continue doing so. There’s multiple issues at play: chauvinist tendencies at the Bible study sessions; prayer meetings are with the guy who said I was abusive and don’t have the right to speak. I go to a potluck dinner once a week with my grad school friends down on campus, which is tons of fun & hilarity.

Obama to Sign Order for Embryonic Stem Cell Research

The raindrop does not want to think that it was the one single event that changed the puddle from becoming a flood.

When will the blood of unborn children cease to be shed, and who will take responsibility for the travesty that will finally be wrought on American soil when God's ears have been over-filled with the cries of the innocents?

Who will be the one to say that he (or she) was the one that changed the events that were a few court rulings into a massacre?

I'd cry, but the tears wouldn't end. Last Lent I spent time praying and fasting for the end to abortion and spent much of the time crying for the loss of the children: for the unknown siblings, sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, grandparents, etc.

Yet, on Monday March 9th, Obama will sign an order authorizing widespread provision of federal funds for embryonic stem cell research.

Sometimes I am forced to wonder. Many have prayed, many have fasted. Many have prayed and fasted, yet God stands by. But I know that He stands by our side and is waiting for His perfect moment. I just wish it wouldn't be at the cost of so many lost lives, loves, and souls.

Lent 2009

For years I've had one image of Lent, that of going out into the desert. To me the desert signifies letting go of things, of sacrifice, and ardent prayer. This is imagery not only given in readings such as this Sunday's (Mk 1:12-15) which briefly describes Christ being driven into the desert for fasting and resistance to temptation for 40 days. Or even Hosea, where the proverbial adulterous wife is hedged in, wooed in the desert and so forth.

However I was recently thinking that Lent should invite us to something closer to Christ: the scene between Him and St Simon helping Him take up the gloriously wretched Cross. Are we walking with Christ, close enough that we can be friends, or the bride as He is the Bridegroom? Can we claim to be His helpmate as Eve was to designed to be for Adam?

Good Friday, 2008

Remember, O LORD, what has befallen us, look, and see our disgrace:
Our inherited lands have been turned over to strangers, our homes to foreigners.
We have become orphans, fatherless; widowed are our mothers.
The water we drink we must buy, for our own wood we must pay.
On our necks is the yoke of those who drive us; we are worn out, but allowed no rest.
To Egypt we submitted, and to Assyria, to fill our need of bread.
Our fathers, who sinned, are no more; but we bear their guilt.
Slaves rule over us; there is no one to rescue us from their hands.
At the peril of our lives we bring in our sustenance, in the face of the desert heat;
Our skin is shriveled up, as though by a furnace, with the searing blasts of famine.
The wives in Zion were ravished by the enemy, the maidens in the cities of Judah;
Princes were gibbeted by them, elders shown no respect.
The youths carry the millstones, boys stagger under their loads of wood;
The old men have abandoned the gate, the young men their music.
The joy of our hearts has ceased, our dance has turned into mourning;
The garlands have fallen from our heads: woe to us, for we have sinned!
Over this our hearts are sick, at this our eyes grow dim:
That Mount Zion should be desolate, with jackals roaming there!
You, O LORD, are enthroned forever; your throne stands from age to age.
Why, then, should you forget us, abandon us so long a time?
Lead us back to you, O LORD, that we may be restored: give us anew such days as we had of old.
For now you have indeed rejected us, and in full measure turned your wrath against us.

Thinking of the Agony in the Garden

On the first Saturday of Lent, I spent part of the evening crying. There were two things that held my attention, the Tabernacle behind the altar and a painting of Christ's agony in the garden. These two images and memories are remaining with me this Lent.

I walk away from Adoration with more reflective questions than answers, all centered around Life, death, abortion, choice, free will, Sin, etc. Not only do I bring my Lenten intention to the fore, but I also bring the kids that I have for clients at my internship.

By remembering the Cross, the agony in the garden and all the events that led up to His Crucifixtion, I know that Christ understands many things. He understands abuse, neglect, an unjustified death, and not wanting to die.

The unborn do not ask to die, and Christ likewise told the Father "take this cup from me."

The children never asked to be neglected, and Christ's disciples all fled from His side at the time of His arrest.

The children never asked to be abused, and Christ was scourged, humiliated, and spat upon.

So I go to Christ in prayer and during Adoration and remind Him that He needs to make Himself known to the little ones; to let them know that He understands. So many times we think that God does not understand, but He really does, when we look at the Biblical accounts. He knows what it is like to be an unborn child, and one that others (Herod) sought to kill. He has been a child, growing up among peers. He knows rejection, each time He was chased out of a town or plotted against by the religious authorities. He knows joy and sorrow. He knows phyiscal assault, abject humiliation, nakedness, unbearable pain, and so much more.

***

Matthew 26: 36-42
Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took along Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to feel sorrow and distress. Then he said to them, "My soul is sorrowful even to death. Remain here and keep watch with me." He advanced a little and fell prostrate in prayer, saying "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet, not as I will, but as you will." When he returned to his disciples he found them asleep. He said to Peter, "So you could not keep watch with me for one hour? Watch and pray that you may not undergo the test. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." Withdrawing a second time, he prayed again, "My Father, if it is not possible that this cup pass without my drinking it, your will be done!"

un-musical Lent

I feel like I am going mad this Lent. I have no sound whatsoever; although I'm not fasting for television, I also stear clear of this. Melodies of hymns sung at Mass on Sunday haunt me throughout the week.

This is not to say that my prayer life is not improving. I'm having deep conversations with God, outside of Adoration.

I think it was Friday morning, when the melody of Hosea struck me more than it had all week. I started playing around with words and phrases. I ended up with a prayer-song to God, but I can't replicate it here. I've since forgotten it. But below, I've put the verses and the ways I was playing around with them.

i love you
and seek your face
i long for you
and know your grace
i need you
and feel your healing presence

i love you
and seek your Life
i love you
and know your light
i need you
and feel your calavary

Lenten Bible Study for the Gospel of Mark (3)

Chapter 2

When Jesus returned to Capernaum after some days, it became known that he was at home. many gathered together so that there was no longer room for them, not even around the door, and he preached the word to them. They came bringing to him a paralytic carried by four men. Unable to get near Jesus because of the crowd, they opened up the roof above him. After they had broken thorugh, they let down the mat on which the paralytic was lying. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Child, your sins are forgiven." Now some of the scribes were sitting there asking themselves, "Why does this man speak that way? He is blaspheming. Who but God alone can forgive sins?" Jesus immediately knew in his mind what they were thinking to themselves, so he said, "Why are you thinkingsuch things in your hearts? Which is easier to say to the paralytic,'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Rise, pick up your mat and walk'? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority to forgive sins on earth" -- he said to the paralytic, "I say to you, rise, pick up your mat, and go home." He rose, picked up his mat at once and went away in teh sight of everyone. They were all astounded and glorified God, saying, "We have never seen anything like this."

Once again he went out along the sea. All the crowd came to him and he taught them. As he passed by, he saw Levi, son of Alphaeus, sitting at the customs post. He said to him, "Follow me." And he got up and followed him. While he was at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners sat with Jesus and his disciples; for there were many who followed him. Some scribes who were Pharisees saw that he was eating with sinners and tax collectors and said to his disciples, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?" Jesus heard this and said to them, "Those who are well do not need a physician, but the sick do. I did not come to call the righteous but sinners."

The disciples of John and of the Pharisees werw accustomed to fast. People came to him and objected, "Why do the disciples of John and the disciples of the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?" Jesus answered them, "Can the wedding guests fast while the bridegroom is with them? As long as they have the bridegroom with them they cannot fast. But the days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast on that day. No one sews a piece of unshrunken cloth on an old cloak. If he does, its fullness pulls away, the new from the old, and the tear gets worse. Likewise, no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the skins are ruined. Rather, new wine is poured into fresh wineskins.

As he was passing through a field of grain on the sabbath, his disciples began to make a path while picking the heads of grain. At this the Pharisees said to him, "look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the sabbath?" He said to them, "Have you never read what David did when he was in need and he and his companions were hungry? How he went into the house of God when Abiathar was high priest and ate the bread of offering that only the priests could lawfully eat, and shared it with his companions?" Then he said to them, "The sabbath was made for man, not man for the sabbath. That is why the Son of Man is lord even of the sabbath."

Amen.

***

Verse 1: In other accoutns of Jesus returning home, the people despised Him or ran Him out of town. Why here do the come to Him?

Verse 4: How like this opening of the roof to lead to healing, as the opening of the heavens to send down the holy Spirit to Christ at his baptism in Chapter 1:10!

Verse 5: Faith becomes a prerequisite for healing.

Verse 9: Well, which one is easier to say? What is the meaing of this particular verse?

Verse 13: Christ followed the sea; fishing settlements. Is there a meaning to following fishing settlements, other than them being centers of commerce?

Verse 14: What is the original conjugation/Latin/Greek/Aramaic (?) of "follow me"? The strict translation?

Verse 16: Why do scribes presume that they themselves are not sinners as well? All people are in need of redemption.

Verse 19: New expression of God's relationship to His people; Christ to disciples. Wedding, Bridegroom: Joy of messianic fulfillment/time. Why fast/share in the suffering that has yet to occur? Why repent to God when you can do it to Christ by physically following Him?

Verse 25: Can break the sabbath if it means you live to serve God. A servant is no use to his Master if incapacitated or dead.

Lenten Bible Study of the Gospel of Mark (2)

Chapter 1:14-45

After John had been arrested, Jesus came to Galilee proclaiming the gospel of God: "This is the time of fulfillment. The kingdom of God is at hand. Repent, and believe in the gospel."

As he passed by the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew castings their nets into the sea; they were fishermen. Jesus said to them, "Come after men, and I will make you fishers of men." Then they left their nets and followed him. He walked along a little farther and saw James, the sone of Zebedee, and his brother John. They too were in a boat mending their nets. Then he called them. So they left their father Zebedee in the boat along with the hired men and followed him.

Then they came to Capernaum, and on the sabbath he entered the synagogue and taught. The peopel were astonished at his teaching, for he taught them as one having authority and not as the scribes. In their synagogue was a man with an unclean spirit; he cried out "What have you to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are--the Holy One of God!" Jesus rebuked him and said "Quiet! Come out of him!" The unclean spirit convulsed him and with a loud cry came out of him. All were amazed and asked one another, "What is this? A new teaching with authority. He commands even the unclean spirits and they obey him." His fame spread everywhere throughout the whole region of Galilee.

On leaving the synagoge he enter the house of Simon and Andrew with James and John. Simon's mother-in-law lay sick with a fever. They immediately told him about her. He approached, grasped her hand, and helped her up. Then the fever left her and she waited on them.

When it was evening, after sunset, they brought to him all who were ill or possessed by demons. The whole town gathered at teh door. He cured many who were sick with various diseases, and he drove out many demons, not permitting them to speak because they knew him.

Rising very early before dawn, he left and went off to a deserted place, where he prayed. Simon and those who were with him pursued him and on finding him said, "Everyone is looking for you." He told them, "Let us go on to the nearby villages tha I may preach there also. For this purpose have I come." So he went into their synagogoes, preaching and driving out demons throughout the whole of Galilee.

A leper came to him [and kneeling down] begged him and said, "If you wish, you can make me clean." Moved with pity, he stretched out his hand, touched him, and said to him, "I do will it. Be made clean." The leprosy left him immediately, and he was made clean. Then, warning hime sternly, he dimissed him at once. Then he said to him, "See that you tell no one anything, but go, show yourself to the priest and offer for your cleasing what Moses prescribeds; that will be proof for them." The man went away and began to publicize the whole matter. He spread the report abroad so that it was impossible for Jesus to enter a town openly. He remained outside in deserted places, and people kept coming to him from everywhere.

Amen.

Verse 14: After John the Baptist was arrested did Christ "come onto the scene." John the Baptist's work/mission was completed.Verse 15: "gospel" What does it mean?

Verses 16-20: All of the first four apostles called were fishermen and two sets of brothers.

Verse 24: The demon says "What have you to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth? ... I know who you are, the Holy One of God!" A confused demon about the differences of singular and plural usages?

Verse 30: Simon (Called Peter) has a mother-in-law (i.e., he is married).

Verse 31: She was cured and then began to serve them; a contrast to the lesson of Martha and Mary?

Verse 35: He prays in a deserted place so that people start searching for Him.

Verse 40: "If you wish, you can make me clean." God's Will always precedes us and our desires.

Verse 45: He stayed out in deserted places away from the crowds and people came to Him. We have to actively seek Him.

Lenten Bible Study of the Gospel of Mark (1)

The Gospel According to Mark
Chapter 1: 1-13
Lenten Bible Study

The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ [the Son of God].

As it is written in Isaiah the prophet:

“Behold, I a sending my messenger ahead of you;
he will prepare your way.
A voice of one crying out in the desert:
‘Prepare the way of the LORD,
make
straight his paths.’”

John [the] Baptist appeared in the desert proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. People of the whole Judean countryside and all the inhabitants of Jerusalem were going out to him and were being baptized by him in the Jordan River as they acknowledged their sins. John was clothed in camel’s hair, with a leather belt around his waist. He fed on locusts and wild honey. And this is what he proclaimed: “One mightier than I is coming after me. I am not worthy to stoop and loosen the thongs of his sandals. I have baptized you with water; he will baptize you with the holy Spirit.”

It happened in those days that Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized in the Jordan by John. On coming up out of the water he saw the heavens being torn open and the Spirit, like a dove, descending upon him. And a voice came from the heavens, “you are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.”

At once the Spirit drove him out into the desert, and he remained in the desert for forty days, tempted by Satan. He was among wild beasts, and the angels ministered to him.

Amen.

Verse 5: people came from the countryside and the city of Jerusalem. I cannot begin to understand how many people that was, but I think I can begin to understand the worries the Pharisees had about the popularity of Christ.

Verse 8: Christ alludes later in the Gospel to John the Baptist being Elijah. Is John the Baptist Elijah? More importantly, who is Elijah?

Verse 10: The holy Spirit descends like a dove. Hawks and other birds of prey dive in, whereas doves? According to the WBFI Research Foundation Bird database, the flight of a dove is “swift, strong direct flight.” Secondly, the heavens are torn open. They are not gently pulled aside, but torn open. What does that look like? Sound like? What glory the Baptist and all others gathered that day when Christ was baptized in the Jordan River must have seen and experienced!

Verse 12: Why forty days? Is this symbolically linked to Noah’s 40 days adrift? Noah is a story about God’s disgust for mankind, His retaliatory actions, and His covenant. It is a rebirth. Do these 40 days in the desert endured by Christ resemble rebirth. We know through the redemptive and glorious Crucifixion that it does indeed precede a rebirth. How does Satan tempt the Son of God? What is the importance of mentioning that Christ is among wild beasts in the desert? In Exodus, the desert is a place of feeling lost, abandoned, and rebellion against the LORD; does Christ’s retreat into the desert symbolize … obedience, perhaps? He was pushed into the desert by the holy Spirit; did the Father know something about Satan's temptations and Christ's need to resist them that we mortals are not aware of?