02/25/2011

This shouldn't be new information to you at this point: I'm tired.

Dragged myself out of bad this morning, running late.  Getting into work, I sat at my desk literally sat still for 5 minutes trying to think of what to do.  It's not for a lack of work, but for too much.  I'm behind in my IPCs, haven't ran a single group session, behind on my quarterly notes.

The other social worker is saying things like "Let's go eat" and my visceral reaction is "no thanks" because I've gone from "being too stressed to eat" to having no appetite whatsoever.  For example, I was watching television this afternoon with a girlfriend and a KFC commercial aired.  I wanted to buy a bucket, for a split second, to see if the pieces actually looked like the image, but not out of interest in the scent, flavor, or sustenance.  I take extra hot showers just to chase away the cold.

For the past two weeks my back pain went away.  It's returned.  I can't sit, stand, or lay in any comfortable position, and the same goes for my neck and shoulders.  The pain is stress related, I carry all my stress psychosomatically.

And if anyone's reading this and flipping out, the conversation I had with my girlfriend this afternoon is telling.  I said that I think I might be headed straight into depression.  I'm not surprised by it.  For all the damaging things I do to myself (I consider not eating self injurious behavior), I'll never kill myself.   For those who say "never say never" let me make something clear.  If this is indeed a depressive episode, it will be my sixth.  I've had darker, more dangerous episodes than anything I could be experiencing now.  I didn't attempt anything then, and won't be doing so now.  If I act out, well, what can I say? I have done so in the past and may well do so in the future.

I've got therapy tomorrow at 10am.  Afterwards I'll be going shopping with the girls, and dinner, and possibly a bar. Right now, I'm going to try to get more than 5 hours of sleep, like I did last night.

I feel miserable.  I'm exhausted, but just like the previous nights, if I try to go to sleep I just lay awake.  Might as well make the most of it and complete IPCs (Individual Plans of Care) for work and plan therapy sessions for internship.  Ate only one meal all day.

Keep hitting brick walls: my boss overlooks me (literally ignores me); tells me that if I don't attend political rallies to keep ADHCs open, that I don't value my job; makes comments about whether I'm ready for the unemployment line.  I'm still completing re-assessments, and didn't get the list of quarterly progress notes until yesterday, and these all have to be completed by the 28th (and no, we're not open on weekends).  I asked the translator if he could help me with a final assessment today, and since he didn't get his paycheck he ignored me as well: walked right past me and didn't heed my request.  Program Director saw it all and she didn't do any thing.  I got my pay check today (we're supposed to be paid on the 5th and 20th of each month), and the boss doesn't have enough funds in the business account for me to cash my check.

If I can't cash the check, I can't go on something I've been wanting to do on the 5th of March.  I need to cash my check and write a check for the one-day retreat.  I need some time to myself and I might not get it without cashing the check.

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Thursdays are going to be my busiest days: work 8-2, internship 3-7:30.

to post or not to post

so I wrote this huge brain vomit post & then deleted it  =)

chocolate ice cream and gchat is helping

and my big stuffed neon orange elephant...just one of those weeks where everything shuts down

even my sense of grammar and formation shuts down sheesh

just gotta let it roll on through...no wonder they call it urge surfing

enough bitching i'm gonna go write