02/25/2011

This shouldn't be new information to you at this point: I'm tired.

Dragged myself out of bad this morning, running late.  Getting into work, I sat at my desk literally sat still for 5 minutes trying to think of what to do.  It's not for a lack of work, but for too much.  I'm behind in my IPCs, haven't ran a single group session, behind on my quarterly notes.

The other social worker is saying things like "Let's go eat" and my visceral reaction is "no thanks" because I've gone from "being too stressed to eat" to having no appetite whatsoever.  For example, I was watching television this afternoon with a girlfriend and a KFC commercial aired.  I wanted to buy a bucket, for a split second, to see if the pieces actually looked like the image, but not out of interest in the scent, flavor, or sustenance.  I take extra hot showers just to chase away the cold.

For the past two weeks my back pain went away.  It's returned.  I can't sit, stand, or lay in any comfortable position, and the same goes for my neck and shoulders.  The pain is stress related, I carry all my stress psychosomatically.

And if anyone's reading this and flipping out, the conversation I had with my girlfriend this afternoon is telling.  I said that I think I might be headed straight into depression.  I'm not surprised by it.  For all the damaging things I do to myself (I consider not eating self injurious behavior), I'll never kill myself.   For those who say "never say never" let me make something clear.  If this is indeed a depressive episode, it will be my sixth.  I've had darker, more dangerous episodes than anything I could be experiencing now.  I didn't attempt anything then, and won't be doing so now.  If I act out, well, what can I say? I have done so in the past and may well do so in the future.

I've got therapy tomorrow at 10am.  Afterwards I'll be going shopping with the girls, and dinner, and possibly a bar. Right now, I'm going to try to get more than 5 hours of sleep, like I did last night.

spirituality i

Perhaps the best thing about endlessly purchasing and perusing books is knowing exactly where to look when I'm needing a particular turn of phrase.  All of Austen is available for wit, Merton for quasi-Christian-Buddhist 'silence is golden' tendencies, etc.  But if I want a mood, I also know know which authors will squash or evoke something.  I have four statistical books perfect for insomnia, Heller for cynicism, Malachi Martin for caution.  More to the point, I picked up the book I had dropped last year and resumed in in the same spot.  I've always had this knack for putting a book down for one or more years, picking it up and resuming without needing to review the previous page or chapter.

If you don't like what I'm doing, saying, or reading without good reason and just object; you've automatically lost my audience.  I'd say that two years ago I didn't understand or value in any sense the nuance between religion and spirituality; I couldn't parse out foundation from trappings.  I frowned upon it and adhered only to religion, not understanding that spirituality has its own importance.  I didn't go seeking for any grasp or understanding, I had shut it out.

In November '09 I took any job that I could find; I worked as a bell ringer for the Salvation Army: paid to ring a bell next to the red bucket.  I hated it as a job.  Coming out of my rejecting the SMMEs, the days and months were already darkly tinted; I was already in the shadows, and this job provided the transition from shadow to darkness.  At first I fought against it, but in buying a book from the library resale I learned that I didn't always have to fight off the darkness.  The author, Thomas Moore, has a way of writing in a spiritual manner but not a religious one.  Reading his work, automatically took me out of my comfort zone.

As I was being pushed out of my comfort zone in terms of religion versus spirituality, I was pushing others out of their own.  I stopped fighting the darkness and the depression.  I didn't give into the depression, obviously, but I just sat in it.  Like a hiker lost in a thick fog, I didn't waste my lethargic energy on wandering around but sat down on a mossy rock and waited for the dawn.  It was one of those fogs so thick that the trees drip and it sounds like rain, and the drops pierce through your sweater.  You're on-edge sitting there in the dark just waiting, waiting.

So I sat and waited.  I got through my depression, intentionally this time, the hard way; it's the only way I've ever known for getting through depression.  I lost quite a bit of audience.  I remember one prayer meeting, some religious people who were emotionally sensitive but religiously neurotic (cautious in all the wrong ways) told me to just make nice, to play pretend.  Those blithe statements of "smile and soon you'll feel happy."  Pardon me.  My emotions and states of mind are my own.  I chose to share with some people and not all were understanding.  Anything that's not within their experience wasn't valid.  So I ignored their opinions and turned to others who understood.  My spiritual director was understanding and supportive, my therapist a phone call away; the bases were covered.

So, this week with it's crazy paperwork fiasco at work (let's just torch it and start over), mom's episodes, finals, lack of sleep, Grampa, and other things, I made the choice to just shut down emotionally.  It's really its own state of consciousness - being emotionless.  I'm capable of emotional reactions, but I chose to ignore the ones that relate to my interior world.  Knowing that I was in need of spiritual component again, I turned to Moore's writing.  It's nice to get confirmation that it's okay to be awake at night, to be in the dark.

little miss sunshine

my thoughts don't feel safe to share. the less i dwell, the less 'i feed the animals' the less it claws and tears at me
          gloom 'n' doom. self pity is hell. no wonder i dont explore it very often. reality
i'll keep myself as safe as possible. i'll try to drive the speed limit. i'll try to eat. i'll try not to cut

If you want/need a promise, I'll give you what we did in school social work:


The 3+ people I promise to call: Eman, Lisa, and anyone else who'll listen & my most recent former therapist
I promise not to kill myself.  I will try my best not to hurt myself (i.e., cutting) but don't feel safe/able to ensure my word at this time.  If I start thinking of hurting myself in a grayish area between self-injury & suicide I will hand over my booze, migraine medication, PMS meds, excedrin OTCs and Alieve over to a trusted friend for at least one week; along with all my sharp objects (nail cutters, scissors, sewing pins & needles, metal emery board, hand mirrors, and anything else I find a temptation).  I will avail myself to counseling services on campus; may even return to my most recent ex-therapist in Huntington.  If I feel like I'm going to break my promise, I'll find the cop who stands 24/7 sentry at the Hawthorne cliffs and submit to a 5150 (that's what he's there for; that's why people go to the Hawthorne cliffs).



Re-post from March 3, 2010

For me, it's better to feel physical pain than the emotional pain.  I can only handle so much emotional pain in my life, and it triggers memories, which only add to the pain.  So, while others self harm to release pain, I do it to feel a type of pain that has an observable, curable cause.  Emotional pain will always be there, always there under the surface waiting for some one, thing, event to dredge it all up again.  But physical pain, it gets healed and goes away; it is forgotten.

And for the people out there who think self injury is a suicidal gesture, that's not true; you need to go read more psychological literature.  Besides, if I really wanted to kill myself, I've already had 5 depressive episodes in the past 12 years.  I've had my chance, I never took it.

my reasons:

I feel selfish

I always take and never give

I have nothing to offer, especially God

If I have anything to give, it's something that God has already given to me.  I can't claim anything as truly my own.

I never add up

She will never love me

She will never see me as a separate entity, worthy of dreams and desires and wants, etc apart from herself

I never fulfill half the obligations I say I'll do for other people; including prayer

I'm a hypocrite

I constantly fail

I'm tired of failing

I'm tired of not adding up

I'm a bitch

I'm all sorts of messed up

I don't want to meet back up with my therapist

I don't want to have to be honest with my therapist; the last one stabbed me in the back

I'm tired of meeting expectations that are not my own

I'm tired of being unemployed

I'm tired of hiding

I'm tired of her never having remorse

Since I constantly fail, why don't you just give me Hell since I already live it

I have so much crap going on in my life I can't hear God

I hate hearing about my 'worth'; it's painful

I'm tired of having migraines and tension headaches

I'm tired of missing events to make sure she maintains boundaries

I'm tired of hiding books, prayer cards, and prayer journals as though they are contraband

Why do I have to take care of her?

Why do I have to walk on egg shells to make her happy, but she can stomp all over me?

Why am I invisible?

I'm tired of being constantly reminded of how I cause problems

I'm tired of being constantly talked to as though I'm a child when I'm her adult child

Why does she get to act like she is 5 years old?

I hate recieving praise and compliments because I don't know what to do with them.

I'm supposed to be entering the convent, but God won't even give me a f-ing job to enable me to fulfill His will.

I have to lie about where I go for church

I have to make excuses for dressing modestly (but prettily)

I can't cry - my emotions take a back seat to hers

I can't be angry at her; I'm supposed to be understanding due to my education and training as a counselor

I'm supposed to provide information but I cannot appear to be intelligent in the matter

I can't upstage her (i.e., cooking, sewing, intellect, etc)

Tired of living under the unspoken rule of "I'll love you when you do ____."

If I try to be my own separate self, its self defeatist

I'm not "up to snuff"

Tired of having to second guess whether something is done simply to be nice or has a motive behind it for later use

[may add more later]

there - all out in the open. now, run for the hills

Sorrowful unto Death

If you were to know me on xanga, you would be puzzled to see a new blog post. Last week I stated that I would not be blogging until I could find myself in a better mood. My mood is improving, but the real break was due to my life experiences and faith, contrasting with someone's view.

The blogger wrote she found teens and young adults without God in their life to be lost and depressed. She also implied that people of Faith are not depressed because their hope and light is in Jesus.

I can understand where she is coming from, and to a certain extent, I can agree. As a Catholic, and my born-again experience, I can say that I will never commit suicide despite however depressed I may become in the future. However, as you can see in that statement, it cannot be definitively stated in terms of faith, reason, science, chance, &c that depression will be avoided simply because I have faith and salvation in Jesus Christ.

To say such a thing is to deny the origins of depression: (a)physiology, (b)environment (herein, I clarify that to mean geographical), (c)nurturing (partially contributes to Yours Truly), (d)context (I'd say this is what people would more normally think of being 'environment').

Physiologically so many things can be depleted or overcompensated by the brain and nervous system, and while I do not pretend to know many things in this area, when levels are too high or too low for various regions, depression may start (along with plenty of other health and mental health concerns). One example would be chemicals that deplete the brain of serotonin, or organic concerns like a brain tumor.

Environmentally speaking, I look at issues like Seasonal affect disorder (SAD), or living in a region where malnutrition is a concern. Without proper vitamins and nutrients, depression (again, along with other health and mental concerns).

Nurturing: what messages, overt and covert, our parents and relatives instill in us. The patterns of communications, rules, mottos, coping, &c that are part and parcel of the family system. For example, adult children of alcoholics grew up with the unspoken family rule of "do not feel; do not trust; and do not talk" and is all about letting other people perceive a happily functioning family, and never be aware that one (or both) parents are chemically addicted or dependent. Or the patterns of thought that are instilled in children who endure emotional or verbal abuse - messages that say they are never good enough and not worthy of true affection that does not cause harm (or children who are physically and/or sexually abused - that they have physical boundaries, respect and dignity). These messages are terribly hard to undo.

Lastly context, I view as those things that play on any of the above components: how one deals with relationships, martial discord, dealing with a cranky (or for that matter, confrontation-shy) supervisor at work; whatever triggers the critical voice in your mind; stress at work or school; low economic status, struggling to determine the difference between making the water and electricity bill, how to find the funds to pay the child care, &c.

All of these things play together, like separate colors mixing while a 3 year old finger paints. Good luck keeping all those separate! Depression can start from any combination, and further exacerbate any concerns in these areas as well. Faith has little to do with it, except for a life-line, a source of hope. Yet, there is always that chance to suicide, and that is simply being in so much pain that you are willing to seek any end to the pain at all. There, we can only hope God will be just, but I'm not about to do as a fellow blogger did and say that my fellow Christians who suffer from depression, or any other mental illness for that matter, are not truly in relationship with our Lord, nor am I to say anything in regards to salvation.