Foot cramps are some of the most annoying things.

I'm tired as all get-out.  Friday evening into Saturday morning: sleep got worse the more that I prayed for it to come.  Saturday evening, I slept a bit better, but I still woke up 30 minutes before necessary.  I also encountered some spiritual attacks akin to September 2009.  I've since doused the room and bed in holy water, I just need to get my hands on some exorcised salt.

I learned that the blessing is gone from a Rosary if it is broken and not repaired; that it needs to be disassembled and buried.  What about when the beads on the rose petal Rosary shatter and fall off? The beads were replaced, so now what?

Bought two books on Mary today.  One is an illustrated prayer book; I am His Child, and if I need pictures to help me out, so be it.  It's terrible, trying to learn about Mary and have her be my Momma when I can scarcely figure out my own mother, how to get her to want me as me, and not as her creature.  The other is titled Mary of Nazareth, which is proving to be simply clear and informative.  No fancy words, just saying it plainly with Scripture.  Hopefully I'll find this information more human and connective.  Although there was a great book I saw in the parish bookstore a few weeks back that looks really interesting: The Life of Mary: As Seen by the Mystics. Perhaps in a few months?

Speaking with good spiritual friends recently has helped me keep my chin up.  I may be tired, sleep deprived, and not eating all three meals per day, but it will come to pass.  I spent the morning at Mass, an hour on the phone, and spent the majority of the day teaching a different class for Confirmation - they were lacking an adult leader so I got switched out.  Its neat to know that some of the difficulties I have to teaching my kids are personality differences and attitude, since the group I taught today was small, but we were all good and nice to each other.  It was different.  Not every class is like mine; that's one of many things I got out of today.

Another was the offer to spend a week in a good family home, and a good Catholic one at that.  I wish I could accept it.  I spend so much time outside of my home, just to get away that I have incurred plenty of examples of good Christian homes.  I get to know that not all parents shout and yell in arguments to the extent that you wish and wish to fly away out of the house.  I get to see people who actually show chaste affection rather than just coolness or a weird short burst of cuteness (weird - as it's out of character and only a few months per year rather than daily affection).  Perhaps one of these days.  This is one of my aims in entering therapy - wanting to learn to switch from the ways I've been taught, to the right path; otherwise I'll enter and leave religious life angry and confront people wrongly.  Subversive living is adaptive at home and it kills vocations in religious life.

How am I supposed to learn how it is to have a Mother?

Current Information of Women Religious

11-023
February 2, 2011
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
En Español

Women Entering Religious Orders Today Highly Educated, Experienced in Church Activities, Survey Finds

Newly professed class more diverse than past classes
One-quarter enter with graduate degrees
Half attended Catholic elementary school

WASHINGTON (February 2, 2011) — Women entering religious orders today are highly educated and experienced in numerous church activities, according to a national survey.

The survey report The Profession Class of 2010: Survey of Women Religious Professing Perpetual Vows was released February 2, the Church’s World Day for Consecrated Life. It was conducted by the Georgetown University-based Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) and commissioned by the U.S. bishops’ Secretariat of Clergy, Consecrated Life and Vocations. The survey was sent to sisters represented by the two conferences of religious women, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious and the Council of Major Superiors of Women Religious, as well as contemplative communities.  Respondents represented 52 religious orders. A total of 68 out of 79 sisters contacted completed the survey.  

Major findings note:

• In general, women religious of the Class of 2010 are more diverse than previously perpetually professed women religious in terms of racial and ethnic identity. Six in ten identify as white, one in five identifies as Asian, and one in ten identifies as Hispanic/Latina.
• Nearly nine in ten sisters and nuns were born Catholic and eight in ten came from families in which both parents are Catholic. 
• Half of responding women religious (51 percent) attended a Catholic elementary school. Women religious are about as likely as other U.S. Catholics to have attended a Catholic high school and much more likely to have attended a Catholic college.
• The responding women religious are highly educated. A quarter earned a graduate degree before entering their religious institute. Six in ten entered their religious institute with at least a bachelor’s degree or more. 
• Many women religious were active in parish life before entering their religious institute. Four in ten participated in a youth group and three in ten participated in a young adult group. Eighty-five percent had ministry experience before entering their religious institute, most commonly in liturgical ministry, faith formation, or social service ministry.
• Three-quarters of responding sisters and nuns regularly participated in retreats before they entered their religious institute. Two-thirds regularly prayed the Rosary and/or participated in Eucharistic Adoration. Six in ten regularly participated in a faith sharing or Bible study group and/or in regular spiritual direction.
• Nine in ten women religious (87 percent) say they were encouraged to consider religious life by someone in their life. Of those who reported that they were encouraged to consider a vocation, more than half (52 percent) say they were encouraged by a religious sister. A third were introduced to their institute through the recommendation of a priest or advisor.
• Most women religious of the Profession Class of 2010 (84 percent) participated in some type of vocation program or experience prior to entering their religious institute. Most commonly this was a “Come and See” experience or a vocation retreat.

“We are proud of the vocation, sacred commitment and service that women religious have made in the Church,” said Archbishop Robert J. Carlson of St. Louis, chairman of the Committee for Clergy, Consecrated Life and Vocations. “Making the profession of poverty, chastity and obedience is counter-cultural. It requires courage and fidelity to remain faithful to a religious vocation.  The bishops of the United States promise their prayers and support for these and future women religious in our country.”

“The report demonstrates that family life and education are significant in forming children in the spiritual life.  Many women, before entering, were active in Church and participated in spiritual exercises — especially Eucharistic Adoration, praying the Rosary and retreats.  This is a tremendous witness to the power of Christ and prayer in the Church,” said Sister Mary Joanna Ruhland, RSM, associate director of the Secretariat. “It also points to the witness of answering God’s call that religious women and priests give to young people. The personal relationship each has with Christ is fostered by the role models they see in, and encouragement they receive from, women religious and priests.”

The entire survey can be found at:  http://www.usccb.org/cl/profession-class-2010.shtml

---
Keywords: World Day for Consecrated Life, sisters, nuns, perpetual vows, profession of vows, Archbishop Robert Carlson, Sister Mary Joanna Ruhland, CARA, Leadership Conference of Women Religious, Council for Major Superiors of Women Religious, Catholic Bishops, USCCB

Reflection on Prayer

When we wish to suggest our wants to persons of high station,
we do not presume to do so
except with humility and reverence.
How much the more, then,
are complete humility and pure devotion necessary
in supplication of the Lord who is God of the universe!
And let us be assured
that it is not in saying a great deal that we shall be heard (Matt 6:7),
but in purity of heart and in tears of compunction.
Our prayer, therefore, ought to be short and pure,
unless it happens to be prolonged
by an inspiration of divine grace.
In community, however, let prayer be very short,
and when the Superior gives the signal let all rise together.

Chapter 21 from Rule of Order, OSB


I receive daily excerpts from the Rule of St Benedict in my email; some days I delete them, others are very timely.


Prayer. It's not something that I have mastered at all, I fail each and every day at it. On top of that, I sure as hell cannot convince my confirmation kids that it's at all valuable.


We talk and talk to God all the time. We yell, laugh, cry, curse, &c at Him. Nothing happens. Not immediately. Sometimes not for years. I could point to Blessed Mother Teresa as an example of how she did not hear back from God after He told her to start a new order and a new convent. But how many people can relate to that? Perhaps things closer to home: a friend asks God for a job and he doesn't get one for 3 years; three years spent in unemployment and rejection letters. I joke with my friend, "Don't tell me that!" Or Johnny asked Jesus, through his devotion to the Sacred Heart, entrusted their first baby, only to miscarry.


God hears us, supposedly. He supposedly cares. So why doesn't He do something about what I'm going through? If I were truly a Child of God, would this have happened? Some God you are, never looking out for Your followers. What kind of Father are you? Not any kind of Father I know of! If this is what its like to be your child, I don't want anything to do with you or your wretched chosen ones*.


We are so damn narcissistic in our spiritual lives. It's all about us: me, me, me, ad nauseum. There is no room for the Other, or for other possibilities. Maybe God is creating the situation that will provide you with the answer that you are seeking? Perhaps there is some lesson you need to learn; who said that learning would be pain free? Have we learned to brush and floss because it is fun, or because drilling cavities hurts?


There's pain and frustration behind all the questions and prayers that we put forward to God. We are needy, and there is nothing wrong with that! He can handle the pain and the frustration. That Man has starved for 40 days! He has been under so much stress that the capillaries in his skin broke and he sweated blood! His closest friends betrayed him, denied that they ever knew him. How can you say that He does not understand the pain? Does not know the anger, frustration, anxiety, sorrow, &c?


We throw it all at Him, expect an instantaneous reaction, and leave Him as soon as it becomes clear that He's not responding in the way we would like. You gonna tell God how to respond?


How do we know if God has responded? How do we hear him? see him? know him? feel him? How do other people respond to you? Do they send you songs, poems and thoughts? Do they tell other friends to hang out with you, or direct you to others? Do they make suggestions that you brush off at first? Do they ask you to read something? To consider an alternative? Do they force you into something (i.e., counseling, roller coasters)? Do they let others speak on their behalf? Do you have to wait days for them to return calls or emails? Why can it not be the same with God; does every communication with you need to be an extraordinary measure? Will He never talk to you - no; when you get the chance to to hear His voice, theres' no doubt. When you get the chance to feel His love, you won't be able to mistake it for something else.


If you want a Scriptural basis; I won't list verses but mannerisms:

• Nature (i.e., the fire versus the earthquake versus the small wind)
• Prophets/other people (Isaiah, Habbakuk, Hosea)
• Closed doors (obstacles)
• Open windows (not the way out you wanted, but out nonetheless)
• miracles
• His voice
• the Saints
• Angels (St Luke's Gospel & Moses)
• Demons (Job)
• Dreams (Joseph: OT, NT)

Always remember, how He talks with you is different from others.

based on a Formspring.me question

*Monday, October 25, 2004. notebook journal

New Directions

I have heard it said that you either everyone or no one.  Understandably, this comes from the presupposition that once one person is told they will then proceed to blab your confided secret to anyone else who is willing to listen.

Recently a friend retrospectively told me of how he was advised to not tell anyone of his discernment of the priesthood.  I can see why he was told that, but his family was supportive, he was grounded in what had discerned, &c.  Turn this around 180 degrees, and I could see how that would drastically backfire.  I have no family support; actually, I get the third degree every Sunday over what parish I attend for Mass.  While this is nothing new to me, and I’ve been able to carry myself pretty well over the past 4 years of discernment, I’m at a new point.

As you can see in the links at the top of the page, my vocation story says I was accepted to an order, but the explanation you are missing is that I had until June 1, 2010 to take care of my loans.  If it were just finances, maybe a little elbow grease would take care of it, but since God doesn’t function on elbow grease, but prayer and contemplation, that’s where we come to the point.  The point is, I got accepted to confirm my vocation, but I have to look at different communities/convents for my acceptance.

I can either tell everyone, or no one about my next step in this vocational process.  Aw heck, truth be told, I kept my discernment secret for the first year from everybody and it was pretty lonely.  Besides, people are curious (typically) because they care.

Time to end the hemming and hawing – I’m looking at Benedictine and Carmelite monasteries, and the Sisters of Our Lady of Mercy (from whence came St M. Faustina).  I cannot really visit any time soon since I’m more broke than Greece, but will gladly take suggestions and support.

Epic Fail by Plain-Clothed Nuns

Click on the title of the post, as it takes you straight to the site.

How to know that you should steer clear of a community:

If they post a "Former Members Reunion" on their front page.

*facepalm*

Masking

Driving home last night from my counseling class, I realized my mask of control has been slipping off a lot more frequently. I'm going to be posting some things on here, which are much more stark and blunt about my life and my personal struggles, than I have posted here on Blogger in the past. You have been given fair warning.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

First, a month-by-Month Play to bring you up to speed:

October was (I can barely remember) okay. I don’t think I got any job interviews during that month, and sitting at home was pretty boring and depressing. The best way I’ve come to describe Oct – Dec is that it was like sitting on a rock in a forest at night, and a heavy damp fog rolls in. And I’m just supposed to sit there and wait for the sun to come and burn off the fog.

November was better, activity wise. I had a few more job interviews, although no offers. I took part in NaNoWriMo, which is a manic writing spree hosted online. The goal is to write 50,000 words in 30 days in a somewhat cohesive manner; to write a novella in 30 days. It was a blast, although in posting my chapters online I got flamed by some people because my characters weren’t all Christian saints – there’s no plot without drama, &c. Needless to say, I didn’t keep those people around, and in currently beginning my second draft, I’m removing some characters as well.

Mom had an episode; not as bad as the one in September where dad had to restrain her and we debated above her yelling, whether to call the paramedics.

December, in an effort to make some money, I was one of those kettle workers/bell ringers for the Salvation Army. I rang a bell for 7.5 hrs/day; for $8/hr. It’s boring, mind-numbing, and depressing. I had to quit, since there came a day where I just lay in bed for a full hour, fully awake but unable to find an ounce of strength to actually get up. I made a call to my spiritual director, and made an appointment with my therapist (who I hadn’t seen since April 2009) which went against all my natural inclinations to just shut away. December was gray.

January
I never did see my therapist; and I found a job through someone I met while bell ringing. Let’s call him “Dirty-Old-Man” (aka, DOM). Why? Because that’s what he is. I was paid $10/hr under the table, a few days per week, in an office in South Pasadena (1.5 hours from home). The $100/wk I made working for him just about covered my gas for the week and food, and sometimes if I played the dollar right, was able to scrimp up a bit for fun nights.

I felt better than I had in December. Except for my boss, who looked at the other women in the office the wrong way – there were only 6 people in the office. I was hired to sort through and organize paper; copy & fax, etc. Well, the things I had to sort through were economic futures and the occasional unsavory email between my boss and women half his age (ick). So, I wasn’t comfortable working for him and do not complain that he ‘fired’ me via email in February. The only thing I miss is having some money.

I had 3 job interviews, some of them looked good. I didn’t land any of them.

I think it was in January, although it may have been February, the Sisters informed me that my acceptance was only good for two years, and if I did not have my loans taken care of by June 1st I wouldn’t be entering. I have been interacting with KoC and other regional Catholic groups in parishes, and none of the groups are able to help much, if at all. I was told that March would be too soon to have any funds raised at all.

Mom had another episode. I’ve since noticed that I get terrible tension headaches and migraines after her tantrums (the kind that 75 mg of Vicodin don’t help with the pain).

February
As I mentioned above, I lost my job with the DOM. I started taking classes at West LA Community College to fill my time, to stay relevant in the field. Plus my parents would not stop bugging me about it. Clearly, I wasn’t getting hired any time soon with 12% unemployment in CA, so I should be back in school again. Funny enough, now they want me to look for jobs instead of studying. I’ve got three classes in the Drug and Alcohol Counseling program. If I actually finish the program, I would have a certification in D&A counseling.

Lent was odd. Some weeks were insightful, and others just dragged in that Lenten way.

I got told by a ‘friend’ that I was abusive, abrasive, and should not speak until spoken to. Then he promptly invited me to help him move out of his apartment. I’m “abusive” but he wants my company? No, that’s not the way it works. I haven’t spoken to him since, which apparently he is fine with.

I think mom had another episode; I had about a whole week of tension headaches and migraines. One of them is the now infamous Vicodin-don’t-work migraine. That sucked; you really have no idea. I say ‘think’ because I’m pretty sure that she did, but I tend to block them (yeah, block them & try my hardest to not listen or remember what she says).

Continued discernment about my loans and vocation. Seems to be less called to the Sisters. Focusing more on what is my experience of the Faith, what I enjoy doing, and why certain Saints come through for me (One of them dramatically shaped religious life; and I’m curious to know why this one Saint comes through for me when so many others with more appropriate patronage do not).

March
About two job interviews, one of which led to a second interview; really excited about this, but down playing it. I’m pretty jaded and ambivalent now about finding a job. A whole year of unemployment, I’m amazed that I still try!

I don’t know. I don’t try too hard to remember the past month, or much of anything. =) I went to the Los Angeles Religious Education Congress (it’s as bad as they say it is) but it’s a weekend outside of the house and somebody gave me their tickets. It was cool.

April
Easter Vigil was awesome. Ended running into friends which makes it better, left with standing room only (long narrow church from the 1880s).

Mom decided to quit her job. On one hand that’s good because she’s less stressed and less likely to blow up. And here the other shoe drops – she’s home all day with me: the unemployed, unsuccessful daughter. So, when she’s not busy with other things, which wore off after the 2nd week, I’m her project. She’s signing me up for classes. Pushing for me to enroll in an MBA program, etc.

You say, ‘get a job’? I’m trying!!

You say, move out? I have $323.60 in the bank. If I move out, I have to pay for food, rent (upwards of $900/mo), car insurance, health insurance, gas, cell phone bill, etc. I have no job; no job, no move out. I particularly enjoy hearing from people who say ‘move in with me’ and what, they’re gonna be my sugar daddy?!? I’m not floating in money, I’m floating in debt!

~ ~ ~

If you’re saying, “And the good times?” They’re all in there in between. I stopped attending the Bible study session and prayer meetings for Adoration nights during Lent and Faith sharing dinners with closer friends. I’ll probably continue doing so. There’s multiple issues at play: chauvinist tendencies at the Bible study sessions; prayer meetings are with the guy who said I was abusive and don’t have the right to speak. I go to a potluck dinner once a week with my grad school friends down on campus, which is tons of fun & hilarity.

So Many Things...

Unlike a lot of bloggers, I am not fasting my blogs for Lent; it's booze. That's difficult for any post-grad person who hangs out on campus, goes to bars, clubs, etc. Yes, for any jaw-droppers out there, I party like that. There's some fun under all this straightlacing!

Sister Joseph Andrew asked me this week for an update on my discernment and about where I am with taking care of my student debt. I do not have a definitive answer for me, for you, or for her; and we all should have a response to the inquiry! I would love to know what God wants to happen.

That being said, I've got a lot of peace around the idea that I am not likely to enter the Dominican Sisters of Mary. I was heartbroken last year when I was accepted and unable to enter, but not this year. This is not resignation, this is an accepting, "Okay, God, if not the DSMME, where? Who?"

No order, as I stand right now, will seriously consider me with debt. So thus far I know that I cannot seriously apply and enter a convent for about 2 years, perhaps 3, considering I ardently desire for my sanity to move out of my parents' house.

So I've got the "when" addressed. As for the where, there are several realizations coming to me, prayerfully of course.

First, I love the DSMME, but I think I was initially drawn to their vitality, youth, and faithfulness to Rome. These are all very lovely things to desire, but a vocational calling they do not make. I liked the idea of teaching, but having used this year to teach Confirmation, I can say I like teaching, but I do not love it. I cannot do it all the time. However teaching Confirmation and being involved with 2 parishes in the area have allowed me to experience retreats. I love helping out with retreats - teaching, coordinating, being in the background, and interceding for the retreatants.

What else do I like and look for in an expression of my faith? Spiritual warfare and intercession finds me; I don't go looking for it. Now, provided some of that is directly related to the fact I live at home and family members invite idolatry and occultic practices in; yet I'm around it even outside of the family house.

Third, I'm not attached to any of the Dominican saints; they are great people and saints, but they are not the ones I call upon. I call upon St Michael, St Joan of Arc, and St Benedict. And this got me to praying and thinking about what I mentioned above in terms of spirituality and warfare, and intercession. It's always been there, it's not going away.

Lastly, at the beginning, and this continues still, my prayer has been to be with Jesus Christ alone. To just be with Him all the days of my life, and nothing else. It's the "nothing else" and "alone" that jumps out at me now. In the previous 3 years of discernment I think I was afraid of monastic and contemplative vocations. I had no idea about them, and I wasn't about to consider them out of fear. Fear? Fear is of the Devil, and it always grips us right when we are about to do something that is perfectly legitimate in the eyes of God (i.e., Confession, speaking out about the Truth). So, maybe it's time to face this old fear head on and look at monastic life, and such.

That's where I'm at.

A Quick Update

As I have mentioned in the past several posts, the DSMME put a deadline on my student loans. I have spoken with many KoC and other Catholic societies in the region and have been told not much can be started before March. March does not leave me a lot of time, so instead of buckling down and plastering this world with monetary pleas, I've been praying more.

Which leads me to say that I think God is calling me elsewhere. I'm not 100% certain, nor am I pouring the concrete until the Sisters' deadline has arrived.

In the meantime, if you could squeeze me into your prayers - for clarity - I'd really appreciate it!

Change Is In the Air

I received an email from the D. Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist Sunday. It puts a demanding deadline on taking care of my student loans, one that will not be met, most likely.

I was upset for a day, now I'm so calm about the email and its implications of not entering, that it surprises even me!

So, I'm awaiting God (and my spiritual director) to provide some clarity about my other options.

I have to discern whether God is saying "yes" to my entering the DSMME, just not at this time, or God wants me elsewhere. It is that elsewhere that I'm waiting for more clarity.

~*~

I spent this past weekend at a Confirmation retreat for St James in Redondo Beach. My role there is giving me reason to pause and consider what "elsewhere" might mean.

There's Something About the Sisters of Mary

Why do you want to enter the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist?

I want to enter the SMMEs for a few reasons. The first year of my discernment from 2006 through 2007 was spent in prayer and I did not have a spiritual director at that time. I was in contact with a few different religious orders: Mission San Jose Dominicans, Daughters of Charity and School Sisters of Notre Dame. I liked different things about each one, but I soon recognized an undercurrent of apprehension: were those convents the right place? What did they think of me? Would I fit in? Why don't they practice their traditional charism? why the denuded chapels? why do they have to schedule in community time or prayer time together? why this and why that?

When I stepped foot into the SMME motherhouse that Friday evening none of those previously ever-present questions arose in my mind. I was completely focused on God and on just enjoying myself during the retreat. I felt this sense of peace within myself; I no longer had to search and question and research; no more comparison and contrast with my beliefs and practices with that of the religious community. I felt that it was over - which is why I so readily asked for papers Saturday morning before that evening's Eucharistic Adoration - I had already asked Jesus Friday night where He wanted me. He gave me the answers one after the other. The whole weekend God was saying "Yes, this is the place" in all those special ways He does in our own understanding of Scripture, prayer, music, people, etc. Lastly, as I was leaving Sunday to go home, I tried to see myself at the SMMEs just as I had tried with the MSJ Dominicans, the DCs, and SNDs; never had I pictured myself that way before, so fully.

What is it about this Community and our way of life that most appeals to you?

I'm very attracted to the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist way of life and community for reasons that echo the above. In the years since my Confirmation I have had to re-teach myself the mechanisms of the Catholic Church. I've had to learn about charisms, evangelical counsels, virtues of the flesh and theology. Few religious orders and communities actually practice a vow of obedience and poverty as I have seen in the SMMEs. There is a true sense of community: in the Eucharist and prayer life, in your daily life, and your interaction with each other. The vows and community life are faithfully lived out - sacrifice is not questioned, it's expected. I'll never forget the visit I made to convent here in Los Angeles and I was asked "Why should you have to sacrifice XYZ?" I don't have to sacrifice. I could enter a religious community that would permit me to own things - but then I'm not really, fully loving God, am I? Isn't that Who this is all about? God invites us, we say "yes," and I'm only supposed to give up what I think I can manage? No. I'm reminded of the verse in Revelations that describes what type of service and love God enjoys -- either be hot or cold, but not lukewarm. The Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist are definitely filled with Love and Passion for God and interested in doing His service and His will. Oh, and you're faithful to the Magisterium, which is important as I’ve seen it affect faith and salvation first hand in those who decide to add “New Age” or east Asian practices to the Catholic faith and liturgy; I don’t like the spiritual “funny” business.

Fun with the Family

If it weren't spiritually agonizing, I'd howl with laughter at the plans my mother and father are cooking to keep me from the convent. I may not go this year, but hopefully I'll enter next year.

My Grandmother asks what is wrong with me for not wanting to marry. A friend told me to quip "I'm marrying Jesus" and while I am, I don't want to attend a funeral.

My mother wants me to attend business school, when I just graduated with a Masters in social work 2 months ago.

Dad said that he could barely afford to make my monthly loan payments if I don't get a job soon; yet he's willing to pay that and tuition if I go back to school.

Dad says I cannot collect donations from parishes and friends through the Laboure Society because I will be "taking it away from others." Pardon me, but this is Los Angeles! Where do you see other vocations?!? (Okay, so we exist, but we keep it covert.)

And the reasons I want to laugh:

1. whatever is not the Will of God will be thwarted.
2. Jesus came to separate Mother from daughter, father from son, etc.
3. I'm 24 & they can't force me to go to school.

Vocation Donations

Hello Everyone!

As you may or may not know, my name is Megan Singer and I have been in discernment for the past 3 years. I was recently on retreat and accepted to the Sisters of Mary (http://www.sistersofmary.org).

The bad news is that due to my student debt I am unable to enter this August 28th as planned, but will enter Aug 28th 2010. The good news is that the Laboure Society has agreed to work with me. The Laboure Society enables me to collect donations in an anonymous and tax deductible manner.

I would love to send you more information with my vocation story. To do so, I need your NAME and ADDRESS.

Thank you so very much, & God Bless.

p.s. - if you know of anyone else who would like to help out, please pass this along.

Sincerely,

Megan Singer

lvngembrs@gmail.com

Familial Reaction to Vocation

I always knew it would be tough. I did not expect to feel like my heart had been torn out.

***

I told my mom about my discernment on Sunday afternoon around 4:25pm.

Remember that meeting I went to in Ann Arbor in November? Well I met a sister there and she recently emailed me about a retreat for the last week of June. It's for women like me who are thinking about but are uncertain of religious life.

I'm not going to waste my time, or give dignity to the things that she said to me. They were insulting, and she still looks at me with disgust and acts like I'm contaminated or contagious. There was nothing left un-insulted from my friends, the Faith, God, and myself. She insulted my judgment, my competency, my modesty, among other things.

Monday morning, my father instructed me to remove all religious items from my room: books, conservative skirts, prayer cards, Rosaries, statues, etc. There are four religious items in my room left: KJV Bible, a St Benedict medal above the doorway, a small Crucifix, and a nondescript statue of Mary. My mother stayed home from work this day because she was so upset. I was not allowed to stay home while she was there, so I spent the majority of my time in my car in parking lots. All my religious items and clothing for postulancy are in my car.

Tuesday, I went to Bible study in the evening, but everything felt like it was going through a filter. I was walking around in a spiritual haze.

Wednesday and Thursday I have been feeling better, but there are still moments.

***

My father has removed his support from me. He says that supporting me would ruin his marriage.

***

I have to purchase 3 years of health insurance for postulancy and novitate, and my father does not want anything less than full coverage. He will not let me attend the pre-postulancy retreat (6/27-7/3) unless he finds something that is satisfactory to his standards.

My mother and grandmother want me to work a year before considering religious life - if at all. My father is attempting to use this as leverage for me to buy the perfect health insurance plan for myself. However, if I were to work, as a social worker, what would remain after the government took from the paycheck, I would not have enough to afford his coveted ideal plan after several years of work.

If I do not go to pre-postulancy, my ability to enter on August is largely shot. Additionally, I need to pay off or have someone assume my $47,500 of student debt.

Drumroll Please!!

The long awaited vocation story:

I never once thought in all the time of my childhood or adolescence that I would be where I am today.  It wasn’t even really permitted – to think of religious life: poverty, chastity, and obedience in the service of God.  I cannot take credit for anything other than my “Yes” to God nearly four years ago.  It had been in private prayer to God when I came across a psalm verse that stated that God will fulfill His promise when we keep our vows.  I promised to Him then and there, before I ever became aware of the import of my prayer, that He could use me however He wanted, whenever He wanted.

While there were many people who pointed me over the past four years towards religious life, there are a few who stand out the most.  These are not the people who said “Megan, you look like a nun” or stated “You sound like a nun,” or even “God’s army needs you.”  No.  There are people who have shown me in their life, in their taking and living of religious vows what it means to see Christ in other people.  The greatest example I have personally experienced of that level of love and sacrifice can only come from a true zeal for Souls.  A friend of mine, Fr. Aaron Kuhn, was not the one to say that I looked or sounded like a nun.  He’s witnessed religious life and the suffering love that is so inherently desirable.  If there were to be one ideal, one moment that could be taken to say that encouraged and demonstrates the very nature of vocation – it is that he cared for a person and a soul that he had not met and barely knew.  As he has written recently, “These moments carry heavy opportunities to love, to suffer in humility, in magnanimity, in charity, to follow Christ as he is misunderstood, slandered, and crucified.”

I do not know where my “Yes” and my Love for God will take me; I don’t know where Christ is leading me, but I know that He has me by the hand.  I know that He’ll teach me an ever increasing Love and Zeal for Souls.  He has led me to a spiritual Home here with the Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist.  For it is here with the Sisters of Mary that I will be daily impacting Eternity through supplication, praise, and belongingness.  As Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta stated, “I belong to Jesus. He must have the right to use me without consulting me.  The very life of our vocation is belonging and being used.”  A Bride stands beside her Divine Spouse; they endure all things together.

Working towards Loans

I've been listed and started to work with the Laboure Society to pay off my student loans.  But hold your horses - not everything is fully set up just yet.

http://www.labourefoundation.org/index.html#Aspirants

Acceptance to SMMEs

March 4, 2009

Dear Megan,

We have recieved your completed official applicationof possible entrance into our community, the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist, and after study of your documents, have decided to accept you for entrance into the community! Congratulations! How such news must warm your heart - and please know that we are most grateful to God as well! Only God can give a religious vocation and thus all honor and glory and gratitude be to Him for this grace! But we also thank you for your response to His offered gift! We can imagine your joy in recieving this news!

[details about entrance date]

[signed]
In Mary, Mother of the Eucharist,
Mother Assumpta, OP

Excerpted from my SMME entrance application:

I want to enter the SMMEs for a few reasons. The first year of my discernment from 2006 through 2007 was spent in prayer and I did not have a spiritual director at that time. I was in contact with a few different religious orders: Mission San Jose Dominicans, Daughters of Charity and School Sisters of Notre Dame. I liked different things about each one, but I soon recognized an undercurrent of apprehension: were those convents the right place? What did they think of me? Would I fit in? Why don't they practice their traditional charism? why the denuded chapels? why do they have to schedule in community time or prayer time together? why this and why that? When I stepped foot into the SMME motherhouse that Friday evening none of those previously ever-present questions arose in my mind. I was completely focused on God and on just enjoying myself during the retreat. I felt this sense of peace within myself, that I no longer had to search and question and research; no more comparison and contrast with my beliefs and practices with that of the religious community. I felt that it was over - which is why I so readily asked for papers Saturday morning before that evening's Eucharistic Adoration - I had already asked Jesus Friday night where He wanted me. He gave me the answers one after the other. The whole weekend God was saying "Yes, this is the place" in all those special ways He does in our own understanding of Scripture, prayer, music, people, etc. Lastly, as I was leaving Sunday to go home, I tried to see myself at the SMMEs just as I had tried with the MSJ Dominicans, the DCs, and SNDs; never had pictured myself that way before, so fully.

I'm very attracted to the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist way of life and community for reasons that echo the above. In the years since my Confirmation I have had to re-teach myself the mechanisms of the Catholic Church. I've had to learn about charisms, evangelical counsels, virtues of the flesh and theology. Few religious orders and communities actually practice a vow of obedience and poverty as I have seen in the SMMEs. There is a true sense of community: in the Eucharist and prayer life, in your daily life, and your interaction with each other. The vows and community life are faithfully lived out - sacrifice is not questioned, it's expected. I'll never forget the visit I made to convent here in Los Angeles and I was asked "Why should you have to sacrifice XYZ?" I don't have to sacrifice. I could enter a religious community that would permit me to own things - but then I'm not really, fully loving God, am I? Isn't that Who this is all about? God invites us, we say "yes," and I'm only supposed to give up what I think I can manage? No. I'm reminded of the verse in Revelations that describes what type of service and love God enjoys -- either be hot or cold, but not lukewarm. The Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist are definitely filled with love and passion for God and interested in doing His service and His will. Oh, and you're faithful to the Magisterium.

SMME Retreat

Went on the SMME (Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist) retreat this weekend. I flew in Friday evening and had a convent dinner because 5 of us (including the Dominican priest) did not get in until after 6pm. There were only about 30 of us there for the first night - we had all flown in. One from Alaska, Oregon, Me (Los Angeles), Boston, Vermont, Texas, and NY, etc. It was in the 40s and 30s the whole weekend.

In the morning they took us to Domino's Farms. Tom Monoham, the creator of Ave Maria Univ. set up a Catholic chapel in his Domino's office building and its down the road from the convent. I met with Sr. Joseph Andrew, vocation director, on Saturday morning and asked for my papers. She asked if I wanted to wait until Sunday morning, after all night Eucharistic Adoration. No. She squealed with delight when she found out that Fr Thomas Nelson was my spiritual director, too! She said that my student loans were very manageable.

Before I left the convent on Sunday afternoon, I stopped by the Spiritus Sanctus Acdemey chapel. I looked about to make certain no one else was around. Back when I was interested in Opus Dei, I started to tell Jesus 'Goodbye' when I left the establishment. This time I said, aloud, "I'll be back."

So, I have my application. I should probably give Fr. Thomas a heads up before I start, though.

Life After Midterms

Three out of four projects done isn't too bad. It's been emotionally exhausting and I can barely think, at least not critically. To illustrate, I'm usually the life of Bible study, but not tonight.

But God knows me all too well and has used this moment when I was tired and doubting the use of my Lenten fast to bring me back to Him. I've never left Him since returning in 2005, but we all have those little moments when we pray "Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief."

So I was praying the Rosary in front of the Blessed Sacrament and I did not want to pray for the end of abortion again, so it came to me that I should pray for chastity which would help end abortion by another avenue. God really used that moment to help me realize how much I am going to follow through on my discernment and enter religious life. He helped me see again how much I enjoy being His.

Now to explain why chastity is at the top of my mind: a friend of mine at the school of social work knows that I want to be a sister/religious, and she thinks that I could take social work to really re-vamp the abstinence programs because it's such a beautiful thing. Then I was finishing up the curriculum vitae that Fr. Thomas had asked me to write so he'd have something to talk to me about when I meet him for spiritual direction. I wanted to say that I wasn't attracted to marriage at all, that I like being chaste.

God really spoke to my heart during the Rosary and I ended up laughing for several moments in front of Him, in an empty church!

Oh, it's been a great day. Especially since then I've heard back from Fr. Thomas and I'll be meeting him tomorrow for the first time. I'm really excited, although I don't quite know what to expect

National Vocation Awareness Week, Jan 13-20th

I looked at my calendar and realized how fitting it is for the start of National Vocations Awareness Week to fall on the Feast of the Baptism of the Lord, until I read the Mass readings for this upcoming Sunday. I did my homework, so it makes a bit more sense.

The Readings

Is 42:1-4, 6-7 God speaks through the prophet Isaiah: He has a chosen one who will bring justice to all the nations. Additionally, the chosen one will be formed by the Lord and He will establish him as a covenant for the people, to bring them light.
This chosen servant of the Lord can be seen to symbolize historical Israel, an idealized Israel, or even the prophet Isaiah himself, but when the New Testament is considered, Christ is the Messianic fulfillment of this passage. God chose that Mary should carry His Son and be given the name Emmanuel. God's Chosen One brought spiritual justice and eternal light and Life to all who believe.

Acts 10: 34-38 The whole of chapter 10 is about God's revelation to St. Paul that His resurrection and ascension are not reserved to the Jews for salvation, but also to the Gentiles. However, in light of the baptismal and vocational undertones of this Sunday's (01/12/2008) readings, it may be seen that God not only directly calls people such as St John the Baptist, Mary the Virgin Mother of God, St Joseph and so forth, but He will also call gentiles -- ordinary everyday people like you and I who have not seen or heard Him like our spiritual fathers. We are called differently but called nonetheless.

Mt 3: 13-17 (I'm still reading and praying about how to adress this passage).

The Vocational Call

I could start to describe my own vocational calling, but I won't do that. While I could ignore the Latin root for vocation, I don't want to do so. I have read many introductory articles and chapters on the vocational call, and all say that vocation comes from vocar which comes from the Latin "to call," but being the nerd that I am I also know that vocat means "to invite." God is gently, persistently and quietly calling and inviting us into relationship with Him. Sometimes He calls people to different missions and purposes in life; that is understandable if you know that the ways in which God's Will will be accomplished is likely to take many different skills, tasks, and proficiencies. Some things can be accomplished through the vocation of a career, a relationship status, a locale, and so forth. Therefore, should there be any wonder that God calls people to matrimony, single life, consecrated virginity, the diaconate, and the religious life? Not really.

However, given the prevalance of marriage in our society, the vocation that January 13 - 20th is trying to expose are the ones that need more thought. People get engaged and married everyday, but how many decide to remain single and chaste? Even if people do so, it's not to the same fanfare of a wedding ceremony and reception. How many women become consecrated virgins? Not many, but they do have a ceremony. How many enter religious life or the priesthood? Still fewer.

"No one -no one individual and no community- can proclaim the Gospel to himself: 'faith comes from what is heard' (Rom 10:17). No one can give himself the mandate and the mission to proclaim the Gospel. The one sent by the Lord does not speak and act on his own authority, but by virtue of Christ's authority; not as a member of the community, but speaking to it in the name of Christ. No one can bestow grace on himself; it must be given and offered" (CCC 875).
"Christ proposes the evangelical counsels, in their great variety, to every disciple. The perfection of charity, to which all the faithful are called, entails for those who freely follow the call to consecrated life the obligation of practicing chastity in celibacy for the sake of the Kingdom, poverty and obedience. It is the profession of these counsels, within a permanent state of life recognized by the Church, that characterizes the life consecrated to God" (CCC 915). The consecrated life is rooted in baptism and is fully committed to God, just as Christ called the disciples in saying "Come, follow me." The disciples immediately left their families, their homes, and their possessions. (Although we know Peter had a stepmother, which indicates the presence of a wife, she is not mentioned and family is not addressed thereafter.)

Poverty "Jesus said to him, 'If you wish to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me' " (Mt 19:21). There are many ways to be poor, but one of the ways to follow Christ closely is to become poor as He was poor, and to be poor as are the sinners He served were poor. Although this active love for the poor is one reason to practice voluntary poverty, I think it has largely to do with how we show love for God. God loves us, and the ways in which we can show Him love in return is to love eachother, especially if we believe that the Spirit of God is in each of us, then we will be loving not only each other but God simultaneously. We can especially see the ways to serve others when Christ tells the apostles in Mt 25:34-46. To the 'goats' on his left the shepherd will say "Depart from me, you accursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, a stranger and you gave me no welcome, naked and you gave me no clothing, ill and in prison, and you did not care for me." We know from the continuation of this passage that Christ tells the accursed that if they never did anything to clothe, feed, visit, or love the less fortunate, they refused to serve the Lord. While serving the Lord is the "duty" of each disciple, the vocational call asks it more and more fully of the called. How can we freely give if we are concerned about our own material and finanical wealth? Additionally, does it not encourage a total dependance on God, which was forgotten the moment when Eve ate the apple, because she was convinced by the serpent that she knew better than God did what she needed and desired?

Chastity In Malachi Martin's Hostage to the Devil, a book on exorcism and the ways in which the Father of Lies grabs hold of people and the ways in which the name of Jesus releases people, a priest reflects on how the gift of life to God for the purpose of His Will eliminates the need for sexual relations. "He now sounded more or less like the Gerald who had entertained me earlier that evening. We started walking back to the house. As we passed out through the hall and front dorr, he quoted Jesus: ' 'In the Kingdom of Heaven, they neither give their daughters in marriage nor are given in marriage.' No marriage there,' he commented musingly. 'No need for it.' He broke in on me. 'He was -- is -- God. No woman, no human lovemaking was needed to enrich him. [...] Once possessed of God and possessed by God, there's no point in making love. You have all that human love can give you and much more. Love itself" (p. 186-7; emphasis added). A biblical support for celibacy/chastity can be seen in Mt 19:12.

Obedience Especially obedience to God's Will, transmitted through the Spirit by so many conduits. God works through our friends, our family, our subordinates and superiors. How better else to learn submission and obedience?