small changes, small steps

Yesterday I ate breakfast (1 donut & 1 12oz coffee), lunch & dinner (frozen asian dinner microwave thing).

Ate 2 donuts & a 16oz coffee for breakfast this morning. Went light on lunch, since eating food is new. Felt sick around 3pm.

Chopped off another 4 inches of hair and dyed it mahogany red-brown. (here)  And will be doing dinner & Faith Sharing with friends.  I made Asian stir-fry. All veggies, garlic & ginger. =)

Letting Go

In teaching Confirmation this past year, I have been on more retreats, and attended Mass than I originally thought I would be doing. On days that I was teaching my kids, as I've come to call them, I went in the morning at my own parish so that I could pray and focus on the Sacrifice, as the evening Mass with my kids after we finished teaching would be spent shushing them and reminding them to spit out their gum.

Through out the year I have found time to pray for my kids, and fretted over them like a spiritual mother hen.

Then I was so nervous for them on Friday evening when they were received the Sacrament of Confirmation. Here, they are, standing before God and Church, Angels and Demons, declaring that they are Catholic. Were they ready? Would any of them return for Mass on Sunday of their own volition and Love of God? I spent the Mass and remainder of the evening praying that they would. I did all I could for them, invoking the protection, guidance, and love of the Angels, Saints, their Guardian Angels, and the Patrons they had chosen for themselves.

But if I constantly and consistently worry over these teens, their ability to understand and defend the Faith and against Satan, what was I letting God do? So, in the wee hours of Saturday morning, I let go, grabbed my St Benedict cross, and went to sleep.

Sorrowful unto Death

If you were to know me on xanga, you would be puzzled to see a new blog post. Last week I stated that I would not be blogging until I could find myself in a better mood. My mood is improving, but the real break was due to my life experiences and faith, contrasting with someone's view.

The blogger wrote she found teens and young adults without God in their life to be lost and depressed. She also implied that people of Faith are not depressed because their hope and light is in Jesus.

I can understand where she is coming from, and to a certain extent, I can agree. As a Catholic, and my born-again experience, I can say that I will never commit suicide despite however depressed I may become in the future. However, as you can see in that statement, it cannot be definitively stated in terms of faith, reason, science, chance, &c that depression will be avoided simply because I have faith and salvation in Jesus Christ.

To say such a thing is to deny the origins of depression: (a)physiology, (b)environment (herein, I clarify that to mean geographical), (c)nurturing (partially contributes to Yours Truly), (d)context (I'd say this is what people would more normally think of being 'environment').

Physiologically so many things can be depleted or overcompensated by the brain and nervous system, and while I do not pretend to know many things in this area, when levels are too high or too low for various regions, depression may start (along with plenty of other health and mental health concerns). One example would be chemicals that deplete the brain of serotonin, or organic concerns like a brain tumor.

Environmentally speaking, I look at issues like Seasonal affect disorder (SAD), or living in a region where malnutrition is a concern. Without proper vitamins and nutrients, depression (again, along with other health and mental concerns).

Nurturing: what messages, overt and covert, our parents and relatives instill in us. The patterns of communications, rules, mottos, coping, &c that are part and parcel of the family system. For example, adult children of alcoholics grew up with the unspoken family rule of "do not feel; do not trust; and do not talk" and is all about letting other people perceive a happily functioning family, and never be aware that one (or both) parents are chemically addicted or dependent. Or the patterns of thought that are instilled in children who endure emotional or verbal abuse - messages that say they are never good enough and not worthy of true affection that does not cause harm (or children who are physically and/or sexually abused - that they have physical boundaries, respect and dignity). These messages are terribly hard to undo.

Lastly context, I view as those things that play on any of the above components: how one deals with relationships, martial discord, dealing with a cranky (or for that matter, confrontation-shy) supervisor at work; whatever triggers the critical voice in your mind; stress at work or school; low economic status, struggling to determine the difference between making the water and electricity bill, how to find the funds to pay the child care, &c.

All of these things play together, like separate colors mixing while a 3 year old finger paints. Good luck keeping all those separate! Depression can start from any combination, and further exacerbate any concerns in these areas as well. Faith has little to do with it, except for a life-line, a source of hope. Yet, there is always that chance to suicide, and that is simply being in so much pain that you are willing to seek any end to the pain at all. There, we can only hope God will be just, but I'm not about to do as a fellow blogger did and say that my fellow Christians who suffer from depression, or any other mental illness for that matter, are not truly in relationship with our Lord, nor am I to say anything in regards to salvation.