VA Chapter 1 Reflection

As I embark on this journey of discernment, Sr. Kathy Bryant gave me some books to help me along the way. She has a great many suggestions along with reflection points in the chapters of her book that was her equivalency of a Master/PhD thesis.

Chapter 1

Names that I've been called thus far in my life: zuchinni, pumpkin, ducky, sis, student, transfer student, Hilary (Hilary Swank, there's a story attached to it), cult member, former cult member, cult walkaway, Catholic, agnostic, sister (familial), sister (cultic), daughter, friend, research assistant.

People of support: Xangians, Blogspotters, Sister's I've gotten Vision Guide responses from, Christie, Carrie

Escape: lay ministries, don't seek out God, put off prayer, don't ask for prayer (pride?)

First noticed the call: a small interest in the pecularities of religious orders, habits, initials, and titles. Picked up some information from seminarian at local parish before spring 2006 finals. People would call me "sister" in the cult and I'd respond, others (post cult) would ask if I was a nun or if I'd thought of being a nun. Others still suggested studying theology or a monastic lifestyle as beneficial. While in Italy wanted to ask every Sister I saw how she know that God wanted this life for her.

Personal faith history: Cradle catholic, but complacent until confirmation when I wanted to do more; turned to Bible study in high school and CSU Long Beach. Joined the Local Church, and then left it; became agnostic. Born again for a little more than a year now. I currently view Christ & God as my personal Lord and Saviour, Father, and Master.

People who are aware of my discernment: Christie, Carrie, Patrick Ku, Nicolas, Dan, Xanga, Blogspot, and Angie.

How I am looking around: Online with Vision Guide, Sr. Kathy's event list, discernment groups

Getting involved: Homeless Ministry

Bryant, Kathleen. (1996) Vocations Anonymous: A handbook for adults discerning preisthood and religious life. National Coalition for Church Vocations: Illinois.

I don't need more frustrations, folks!

My big mouth. I am confused about the responses I am getting from friends regarding my vocation discernment. Some people I told last night were surprised, but happy and supportive. Others didn't seem to register the new information, and didn't say anything at all. I suppose that could be from shock, but I thought people would be happy for me. I'm happy with the discernment, and sometimes I feel like I've already made the decision, and perhaps in my heart I have. In prayer I do accept it, so I guess I have. Yet, it's difficult for me to figure out who it is that will support me and who will not.

I know that my family doesn't support me. No surprises there at all. However, some friends who've been supportive of many other things, other religious turning points in my life, remain silent, walk off, or don't facially express any cognitive registration of what I've told them. Psychologically and emotionally, I need to know that people are backing me up on this. I know that the majority of people here on Xanga do, but in my day-to-day actions why do I get more affirmation and support from an Iranian friend than from my Christian friends?

Also, I want to shout this point in my life from the mountain tops, yet I desperately want anonymity. I want to keep it this happy little secret between myself and God, but at the same time I want the whole world to know. It's making life difficult because I am so happy, and so many things and ideas are fascinating to me, and I so desperately want to tell all my friends and all the people I come across; yet something holds me back. This feeling of needing to hold back makes me feel as though there will be a perfect time to disclose everything. However, with my being a senior, small talk consists of what I am doing for grad school, what my target school is and why. People ask if I'm dating, I have to explain why I am not. &c.
It's a joy, but it sucks. Does that make sense to you?

Jesus said to the disciples, "Keep awake therefore, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming. But understand this: that if the owner of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and would not have let his house be broken into. Therefore, you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour." Matthew 24:42-44 Retrieved from Here.

Of course at the forefront of my mind after I've read this several times is Tuesday's episodes, and all I keep in my mind is that I knew it was coming, and yet still wasn't quite prepared for it. Oh, I recovered enough to take authority over it, but I didn't do so forcefully enough during the first episode to prevent the other three from occuring? Or that I didn't take enough time during my evening prayers to ask for protection from things I knew were going to occur at some point. I slacked off on things I knew were going to occur, what kind of watchman does that make me into for something as uncertain as the coming of my Lord?

I have been tinkning of various ways to break my discernment process to my parents. Some of my thoughts flit to Boundless.org which counsels and advises inter-/non- denominational Christians on how to live purely in God while being away at the office or colleges. Some of the advice is about how to "get" a husband, and I have thought of how one such article might be applicable to informing family members of my discernment of entering a vocation. Other thoughts switch to a website that I was reading last week about a Sister who left her mother's apartment one day leaving everything and a note behind. The note informed her mother that by the time the letter is read the Sister would have entered a convent, because the mother herself was against such a religious life although she somewhat believed in God.

I would hate to have to do that. I want so much for myself to be supported in my search and discernment of a vocation, but know that is not a reality. In fact, I could easily do as that Sister had done, but first I would like to move out of my home to do so. But how would it affect everyone (i.e., Mom, Dad, my sister, and Gramma)? I know that regardless of how I would execute leaving for a convent, I will lose the support of my family. It is not a question of "if" but "when."

Enough melancholy ideas for now though. Other things are brewing, such as my prayer life. Last night during my evening prayers I felt Christ's Prescence in my room. It wasn't anything spectacular, just a realization that Someone was there in the room with me spiritually. I "dared" to stand in His prescence, rising from my prayerful position to make a request of Him. I feel that I now know that when I meet Him once I pass, that I will not back away from Him, as has often been my fear in the last few months, as I felt unworthy. But now I know that I will be so bold as to stand.

Classes began today, so I drove Monkey and myself to campus. I gave her about an hour's tour showing her where I will meet up with her for the trams in the evening, how to add discretionary funds to her card, where to go for computer labs, etc. She said she felt overwhelmed, but she's pretty lucky, since she's got me to show her around and help out. She knows it.

I had one class already today, at 12, and another at 4pm. The first class was taught by the professor who hosted the Family in a Changing Society lecture last semester, and I am really looking foward to this semester. The class looks at population demographics and trends in the US and globally. Our fiinal project entails collecting and analysing data for a randomly selected California county. It should be plenty interesting, with some students being new, and others from last semesters' class. My other class I have yet to attend, and it is Advanced Child Development. In Fall 2005 I took Child Development with Manis, and this year I thought that further study would be good for me, as I plan on an MFT.

I've seen some people from a distance today around campus. Already I've had lunch with a friend, and seen others walking to classes. The first friend I ran into was Carrie, and I love my "chance" meetings with her, always leave me happy. I love running into my friends, but I get an extra lift when I know they are Christian. I am looking forward to this semester because of my classes, and the chances to get to know my friends even better. There are always challenges such as dermatology appointments, future spiritual director meetings, and Opus Dei nights at the Center.

I still have the skills -- getting lectured and keeping my mouth shut. Why is it that I can keep my mouth shut when I'm already in trouble to avoid more trouble, but not to keep me out of all trouble? Mom had some valid points, but I wanted to laugh when she said that toning down on the Christianity would be in my interest. Haha, really now, how am I to accomplish her valid point of being less judgmental if I don't follow that Christian attribute? Or patience? or a quiet mind? I pointed this out to Dad, he didn't seem pleased that the lecture had backfired in that regard. Leveling off on Christianity might make my household more comfortable, but I'm not about to do so. Nor am I about to do other things that mom mentioned. This was about a week ago, though.

Added two Catholic books to my collection: Hostage to the Devil and The Origins of Satan. And one fiction novel. Mom got tired of that, too, but I'd rather have an irate mom and a clean mind, than a happy mom and dirty mind. It keeps my list of sins down for when it comes to my next confession, when ever that is...

Speaking of religion ... I really need someone to tell me how I can tell this guy Steve that I do not, and may not be able, to date him. I could leave him hanging with " I'm single, but it's complicated" How do I explain that I pray for chastity daily? I don't have to tell him that, but he needs to be told that I'm not interested in dating. The least of my worries will be my parents asking why I didn't date him -- he doesn't want to go to school and is a chain smoker. That's reason enough for them.