Chapter 2
Reflect on Baptismal Call: How could I not give my life over to Christ when He has been so understanding, forgivig, and steadfast? So much grace and forgiveness, how else can I offer thanks and sacrifice?
Call from the community: Different people state that I look like a sister, or that I should seriously study theology. Others have suggested the field of Christian counseling as a career. Majority of people aren't aware that I sense this calling.
Called for the community: Always knew that I was to be of service to others, in a hierarchical institution; no private practice for me. Status and prestige are not mine to have; I do not seek it and it's not my right to claim. It belongs to God. I've been focused on studies and classes that enable me to help others in any possible way.
Prophetic: Speak up in internet forums, defend the faith to non-Catholics (ie, don't worship Mary). Write letters to school paper about the prescence of cults on campus (USC) and to religious websites, and support groups.
Eschatological: I don't car for very many material possession, and would actually be content with less: clutter, visual noise, and messy. Want, not a sense of having to, go to Mass every Sunday. Keep a sin journal -- all the better for confessions -- and also to track habitual sins so I can make goon on my goals of improvement.
Sacraments: Try to attend Mass every Sunday, or on a Saturday evening however family plans do tend to make attendance difficult. Have not yet worked out a way to go daily with my class schedule. Daily prayer and conversation with God: rosary, chapel, read scripture, and/or devotions.
Promoting the Kingdom: Love my friendships and conversations with people of other faiths and backgrounds: Catholic, nondenominationals, Jewish, Buddhist, etc. I cannot say that I see the Catholic Church is the only way to God. Christ is the way, not the Roman Catholic Church; Christ is not a denomination. Doctrine does play a critical role.
Social circle: Saved and unsaved friends; Catholic and non-Catholic Christians, Jews, agnostics, and atheists.
Service: Tutor at the high school level for foster care students, and former residents at juvenile hall, and homeless ministry.
Need to work on: family life, support network, more prayer life.
Bryant, Kathleen. (1996) Vocations Anonymous: A handbook for adults discerning preisthood and religious life. National Coalition for Church Vocations: Illinois
Friday, September 8, 2006
VA Chapter 1 Reflection
As I embark on this journey of discernment, Sr. Kathy Bryant gave me some books to help me along the way. She has a great many suggestions along with reflection points in the chapters of her book that was her equivalency of a Master/PhD thesis.
Chapter 1
Names that I've been called thus far in my life: zuchinni, pumpkin, ducky, sis, student, transfer student, Hilary (Hilary Swank, there's a story attached to it), cult member, former cult member, cult walkaway, Catholic, agnostic, sister (familial), sister (cultic), daughter, friend, research assistant.
People of support: Xangians, Blogspotters, Sister's I've gotten Vision Guide responses from, Christie, Carrie
Escape: lay ministries, don't seek out God, put off prayer, don't ask for prayer (pride?)
First noticed the call: a small interest in the pecularities of religious orders, habits, initials, and titles. Picked up some information from seminarian at local parish before spring 2006 finals. People would call me "sister" in the cult and I'd respond, others (post cult) would ask if I was a nun or if I'd thought of being a nun. Others still suggested studying theology or a monastic lifestyle as beneficial. While in Italy wanted to ask every Sister I saw how she know that God wanted this life for her.
Personal faith history: Cradle catholic, but complacent until confirmation when I wanted to do more; turned to Bible study in high school and CSU Long Beach. Joined the Local Church, and then left it; became agnostic. Born again for a little more than a year now. I currently view Christ & God as my personal Lord and Saviour, Father, and Master.
People who are aware of my discernment: Christie, Carrie, Patrick Ku, Nicolas, Dan, Xanga, Blogspot, and Angie.
How I am looking around: Online with Vision Guide, Sr. Kathy's event list, discernment groups
Getting involved: Homeless Ministry
Bryant, Kathleen. (1996) Vocations Anonymous: A handbook for adults discerning preisthood and religious life. National Coalition for Church Vocations: Illinois.
Chapter 1
Names that I've been called thus far in my life: zuchinni, pumpkin, ducky, sis, student, transfer student, Hilary (Hilary Swank, there's a story attached to it), cult member, former cult member, cult walkaway, Catholic, agnostic, sister (familial), sister (cultic), daughter, friend, research assistant.
People of support: Xangians, Blogspotters, Sister's I've gotten Vision Guide responses from, Christie, Carrie
Escape: lay ministries, don't seek out God, put off prayer, don't ask for prayer (pride?)
First noticed the call: a small interest in the pecularities of religious orders, habits, initials, and titles. Picked up some information from seminarian at local parish before spring 2006 finals. People would call me "sister" in the cult and I'd respond, others (post cult) would ask if I was a nun or if I'd thought of being a nun. Others still suggested studying theology or a monastic lifestyle as beneficial. While in Italy wanted to ask every Sister I saw how she know that God wanted this life for her.
Personal faith history: Cradle catholic, but complacent until confirmation when I wanted to do more; turned to Bible study in high school and CSU Long Beach. Joined the Local Church, and then left it; became agnostic. Born again for a little more than a year now. I currently view Christ & God as my personal Lord and Saviour, Father, and Master.
People who are aware of my discernment: Christie, Carrie, Patrick Ku, Nicolas, Dan, Xanga, Blogspot, and Angie.
How I am looking around: Online with Vision Guide, Sr. Kathy's event list, discernment groups
Getting involved: Homeless Ministry
Bryant, Kathleen. (1996) Vocations Anonymous: A handbook for adults discerning preisthood and religious life. National Coalition for Church Vocations: Illinois.
Thursday, September 7, 2006
I don't need more frustrations, folks!
My big mouth. I am confused about the responses I am getting from friends regarding my vocation discernment. Some people I told last night were surprised, but happy and supportive. Others didn't seem to register the new information, and didn't say anything at all. I suppose that could be from shock, but I thought people would be happy for me. I'm happy with the discernment, and sometimes I feel like I've already made the decision, and perhaps in my heart I have. In prayer I do accept it, so I guess I have. Yet, it's difficult for me to figure out who it is that will support me and who will not.
I know that my family doesn't support me. No surprises there at all. However, some friends who've been supportive of many other things, other religious turning points in my life, remain silent, walk off, or don't facially express any cognitive registration of what I've told them. Psychologically and emotionally, I need to know that people are backing me up on this. I know that the majority of people here on Xanga do, but in my day-to-day actions why do I get more affirmation and support from an Iranian friend than from my Christian friends?
Also, I want to shout this point in my life from the mountain tops, yet I desperately want anonymity. I want to keep it this happy little secret between myself and God, but at the same time I want the whole world to know. It's making life difficult because I am so happy, and so many things and ideas are fascinating to me, and I so desperately want to tell all my friends and all the people I come across; yet something holds me back. This feeling of needing to hold back makes me feel as though there will be a perfect time to disclose everything. However, with my being a senior, small talk consists of what I am doing for grad school, what my target school is and why. People ask if I'm dating, I have to explain why I am not. &c.
It's a joy, but it sucks. Does that make sense to you?
I know that my family doesn't support me. No surprises there at all. However, some friends who've been supportive of many other things, other religious turning points in my life, remain silent, walk off, or don't facially express any cognitive registration of what I've told them. Psychologically and emotionally, I need to know that people are backing me up on this. I know that the majority of people here on Xanga do, but in my day-to-day actions why do I get more affirmation and support from an Iranian friend than from my Christian friends?
Also, I want to shout this point in my life from the mountain tops, yet I desperately want anonymity. I want to keep it this happy little secret between myself and God, but at the same time I want the whole world to know. It's making life difficult because I am so happy, and so many things and ideas are fascinating to me, and I so desperately want to tell all my friends and all the people I come across; yet something holds me back. This feeling of needing to hold back makes me feel as though there will be a perfect time to disclose everything. However, with my being a senior, small talk consists of what I am doing for grad school, what my target school is and why. People ask if I'm dating, I have to explain why I am not. &c.
It's a joy, but it sucks. Does that make sense to you?
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Jesus said to the disciples, "Keep awake therefore, for you do not know on what day your Lord is coming. But understand this: that if the owner of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and would not have let his house be broken into. Therefore, you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an unexpected hour." Matthew 24:42-44 Retrieved from Here.
Of course at the forefront of my mind after I've read this several times is Tuesday's episodes, and all I keep in my mind is that I knew it was coming, and yet still wasn't quite prepared for it. Oh, I recovered enough to take authority over it, but I didn't do so forcefully enough during the first episode to prevent the other three from occuring? Or that I didn't take enough time during my evening prayers to ask for protection from things I knew were going to occur at some point. I slacked off on things I knew were going to occur, what kind of watchman does that make me into for something as uncertain as the coming of my Lord?
Of course at the forefront of my mind after I've read this several times is Tuesday's episodes, and all I keep in my mind is that I knew it was coming, and yet still wasn't quite prepared for it. Oh, I recovered enough to take authority over it, but I didn't do so forcefully enough during the first episode to prevent the other three from occuring? Or that I didn't take enough time during my evening prayers to ask for protection from things I knew were going to occur at some point. I slacked off on things I knew were going to occur, what kind of watchman does that make me into for something as uncertain as the coming of my Lord?
Monday, August 28, 2006
I have been tinkning of various ways to break my discernment process to my parents. Some of my thoughts flit to Boundless.org which counsels and advises inter-/non- denominational Christians on how to live purely in God while being away at the office or colleges. Some of the advice is about how to "get" a husband, and I have thought of how one such article might be applicable to informing family members of my discernment of entering a vocation. Other thoughts switch to a website that I was reading last week about a Sister who left her mother's apartment one day leaving everything and a note behind. The note informed her mother that by the time the letter is read the Sister would have entered a convent, because the mother herself was against such a religious life although she somewhat believed in God.
I would hate to have to do that. I want so much for myself to be supported in my search and discernment of a vocation, but know that is not a reality. In fact, I could easily do as that Sister had done, but first I would like to move out of my home to do so. But how would it affect everyone (i.e., Mom, Dad, my sister, and Gramma)? I know that regardless of how I would execute leaving for a convent, I will lose the support of my family. It is not a question of "if" but "when."
Enough melancholy ideas for now though. Other things are brewing, such as my prayer life. Last night during my evening prayers I felt Christ's Prescence in my room. It wasn't anything spectacular, just a realization that Someone was there in the room with me spiritually. I "dared" to stand in His prescence, rising from my prayerful position to make a request of Him. I feel that I now know that when I meet Him once I pass, that I will not back away from Him, as has often been my fear in the last few months, as I felt unworthy. But now I know that I will be so bold as to stand.
I would hate to have to do that. I want so much for myself to be supported in my search and discernment of a vocation, but know that is not a reality. In fact, I could easily do as that Sister had done, but first I would like to move out of my home to do so. But how would it affect everyone (i.e., Mom, Dad, my sister, and Gramma)? I know that regardless of how I would execute leaving for a convent, I will lose the support of my family. It is not a question of "if" but "when."
Enough melancholy ideas for now though. Other things are brewing, such as my prayer life. Last night during my evening prayers I felt Christ's Prescence in my room. It wasn't anything spectacular, just a realization that Someone was there in the room with me spiritually. I "dared" to stand in His prescence, rising from my prayerful position to make a request of Him. I feel that I now know that when I meet Him once I pass, that I will not back away from Him, as has often been my fear in the last few months, as I felt unworthy. But now I know that I will be so bold as to stand.
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