Persistant God,
Your voice beckons
like some secret yet to be revealed.
I am drawn to your invitation
yet scared by the possibilities
it might hold for my life.
You ask to be loved with
a whole heart,
a whole soul,
and a whole mind
and I tremble at the thought of what
that will demand of me and my life.
Lead me to a place where I can hear
the wisdom of your words.
Speak to me so that I can understand
your plan for me.
Call me to a life that serves you.
Strengthen me so that my "Yes!"
is louder than the world's "No!"
Gift me with the faith
to answer your call and the trust
to follow your footsteps
all the days of my life.
Amen.
I got this last friday from the LA Archdiocese's vocation director.
I've been introspective the last week days realizing how dependent I am on parental approval and how decisions about what degrees to obtain in graduate school can really go against what God may be calling me to.
First, I have been trying to make sense out of one thing, and I can only do that through an child-like metaphor. When children are first learning about themselves and the world, they develop a secure base with the parent to whom they are securely attached. What this means is that kids develop a strong and positive attachments to parents who are fun, loving, and attentive to their needs. A secure base, refers to the action of kids when they go and explore. It's an emotional bond that acts like a bungee cord between child and parent: the kid goes out and explores, looks back at mom (or dad) to see that she (or he) is still there and that they are safe, then they go on exploring, then the kid looks back some more, etc. This week I have been heavily thinking about pursuing more than a Masters, to go after a PsyD (it'll get the Dr. in front of my name) and it will allow me to do clinical therapy, but hopefully won't stress statistics quite as much. I told Dad about it on Monday evening and he was very pleased. So I went upstairs to tell Mom and she just shrugged it off! So Dad's approval pushes me onward, and Mom's ambivalence makes me hestitate. Don't you just love psychology! (I know I do).
Secondly, I've been thinking that with my personality and quirks that I don't know how cut out I am for community living, that I might be better off as "just" a consecrated virgin? I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I know that getting the PsyD will take about 5 years for me to complete, and that if I do become a sister I will lose my family. I will lose them, there's not a single doubt about that at all. It would break Gramma's heart, too. How do I do that to a widow? Besides, with the PsyD, I'd be able to do what I like, and I can't do that in a convent where the hours are aligned with those of the normal working world. I am attracted to the life style where I am self-sacrificing in that I could get a 2am attempted suicide emergency phone call, or having to rush out somewhere to help someone else and need to ignore the needs of someone in less urgent need of me. That kind of attention to other people is attractive to me, not in just myself, but in other people. I'd almost say it'd be a "turn on."
How do I know that this is what God truly wants and I'm not just running from the reality of being responsible for my own financial well-being? Of having to move out of the house? of having to answer to myself and the various bills I'll get? I know that God is calling me to do something, I just don't know quite what that is. It's just that I think it would be really weird if He were calling me to marriage because I don't see myself in that role. I enjoy being single, but the thought of being 60 years old and being alone in a home is scary to me. I don't like the idea of having children of my own, but I could adopt, God knows there's lots of abandoned Chinese baby girls that could use a nice, safe home; chinese babies are so cute. Are CVs able to be adoptee single moms? I have no idea. I'm grabbing at straws. I don't like uncertainty, but I'm also not afraid to say that I am uncertain. I hope that at least makes sense to you.
