A Messy Process

I'm writing a lot today. Not sure why, but probably best not to fight it.

The post that I just wrote below, clearly lost its focus about 2 paragraphs in. Began to tell you about my discernment process, but trailed off and started to project onto you (any reader) about my mom.

This past semester I took a class on positive psychology and one of our many assignments was to take Seligman's VIA (Values in Action) questionnaire of 200+ questions. My top strength was religiousity. No big surprise there at all! Seligman wrote in one version of his book Authentic Happiness that many people find that they really enjoy and define themselves by their first strength, and I'd have to agree that I do the same. He also went on to write that it also proves to be a point of contention and oftentimes gets them into trouble and hassels as well, to which I also agree.

My faith, and the strength of my faith, is fun, I love it, and it also creates a lot of trouble for me; most of this trouble, clearly, is at home.

I am the only practicing Catholic at home. I attend Mass every Sunday, Saturday vigil if I foresee that I will not be able to attend Sunday's Mass. I am quickly developing devotions to some saints, and of course to our Mother, the Blessed Virgin. I've pulled various religious gifts over the years out of hiding and place them on the dresser or on my night table, so everything's in easy sight or easy reach.

This August, it'll be two years since I began to believe again; judging by the strength and steadfastness of my faith, "born again" is an apt phrase to use.

Right now, there's no trouble for me being a Catholic at home. Except when you count the Sundays that I've been invited to Recollection and Mom asks where was the Church and it's name. How do I say that the Mass was held at Opus Dei Center for women in Los Angeles? How do I answer Dad's yearly lectures on why I would be smart to meet and get engaged to a man while in college, when I have no desire to get married? What do I do when people say that I should be a Sister, or say that I look like a Sister? Honestly, what does a Sister look like anyway? I hope people don't say that just because I have self-respect and don't want to become some man's next near ocassion of sin!

~*~
My outlook on my profession is quickly shifting from therapist to Licenced Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). I am alright with that shift. I like how it enables me to further help people -- not the rich-needy, but those who are actually in need. Now all that mom tells me over the past few days is that "it's not pretty work" and "you're going to see nasty things." *Really, gee, did not know that* She asked how I planned to handle it, I said I'd be fine. I'm reminded of an email that a friend sent me a while ago and he wrote that of all the people he knew as counselors and social workers, the few that were not burnt out after a few years were Christians. How will I handle it? By the Grace of God. Just like everything else.
~*~

Discernment is a process. It's difficult, I know that; I've felt how difficult it can be.

Problem is that I haven't heard from God in months (Since February, to be truthful).

He takes His time, meanwhile the world goes by and I have to find work and enroll in graduate school.

God, I'm making time for you. I'm making sacrifices for you. I'm talking with you.
When you gonna realize this isn't a therapy session, decide to reciprocate, and actually offer a clear-cut reply that will help me know what it is that You want for (or, of) me and this life You've given me?

What Momma Oughta Know, but Doesn't Want to

These last few posts are among the first vocation-related in the last 2.5 months that I have written. I did not intentionally decide to ignore the discernment process. Between midterms in March and until graduation two weeks ago, I many different things going on. There was the Conference in Anaheim, which did not help me at all; there was one Sister to whom I should never have spoken with; her words felt like spiritual poison, saying that I would never properly discern and enter a community/convent if I did not take at least 6 months off of academics and work and just discern (what a luxury that must be!). I tried to ignore it, but didn't work too well. I had graduation pictures to take a few weeks later, and I had to take off my medals (one of our Mother, and another of St. Benedict). I did not put the medals back on for a week. I've since learned that spiritual attacks get disgusting and nasty when I take my medals off -- the kind that make want to not sleep at night. Self-induced insomnia wasn't too fun. prayer didn't work.



~*~

Returning to the present, it wasn't until the Pastor Emeritus at my home parish celebrated his 50th anniversary of his ordination as a priest that I was happy again to be in discernment. Prayer's good, but it'll gradually become better. I'm pulling the vocation mail out from under my bed again, although it's still hard to think of myself as possibly becoming a sister. I had a lot of introspection, a lot of indepth consideration of a friend's doubt.



The majority of what stands in my way of becoming a sister is the stark reality of my personality, my emotions, and quirks. I wrote draft posts, then never posted. My friend said that until I could love my blood relations like I treat the homeless I fed on Skid Row every week, I wouldn't be able to be a Sister. He said that religious life was hard work, and draining, and unless I could unconditionally love, I wouldn't be able to take it. I see his point. He also told me a week later, in person, that there's a lot of passion, a lot of energy in me, but also a lot of anger. I need to work on that anger.

I know that I need to forgive someone in particular, but I don't see a consequence in her life at all. She's blessed: a family, a wonderful neighborhood. She's got friends and people inquire of her when I go to Mass every Sunday. She's got more than most people have, or would think to ask of. There's no consequence. She sins. Doesn't care at all, and throws God out of her life like you throw the garbage out on Monday morning for the trash collector and his smelly truck. Replaces God with mimickry and falsehood. Then has the nerve to yell at me last November that the RCC is a cult. Woman, I know what a cult is better than you ever could.

But she doesn't care. She doesn't want to understand so many things. so many things.

Like the way she's fanantic about her idols, I am like that towards God. The way she's concerned about the status quo and the perfect life, I'm concerned about eternal life/damnation in the same way.

She gets upset with my attitude and tone of voice; woman now you understand what it was like to be the brunt of your disgust back when you had that job and that boss, and all those late hours. You couldn't stand my bad grades; I can't stand your blithe attitude towards sin - like it all don't matter.

Two say its up to me to repair the relationship. Their idea of repairing the relationship is to just go along with whatever she says. She might say "you don't have to go to church, you're already saved," I go anyway. She might drag me to her voodoo and make me participate, but you could read the ridicule and disbelief on my face. She might not like the rosary, the chaplet to St. Michael, and the statue of Mary surrounded by dried flowers, and I just add more flowers, prayer cards, and holy water in vials.

~*~
I don't care about what you want, desire in this life. It's not about you. It's about God. God gives and He takes away. You cannot decide to just take, and think there's no consequence. But God's forgiving, and I'm not. Maybe judgment day will come and He decides that He loves her, and there's no consequence for her. So I don't like her, I don't forgive her, I don't love her very much. Hard to love someone who thinks abortion's okie-dokie and only Catholic on paper, a mere technicality, a blip on a baptismal record and a confirmation record and a marriage license.

There is a Hell.

There is a Heaven.

I'm trying to make my way to Heaven, but woman you make it so darn difficult with your sin and your idols and your concern for the World.

You love the status quo. I fear what you'll do and think and say when you find out that I don't want a part of it. All I want is your approval but I'll never get it.

I'm Catholic, you think it's unattractive.
I'm Catholic, you think it's a cult.
I'm Catholic, you think you don't have to make sacrifices for Faith & Love.

I'm Catholic, and I believe in a Hell and a Heaven that is more than just a symbolic removal from God. I'm trying to work towards one, and you just blindly slide toward the other, but you don't care.

You don't care.

Is it selfish?

I am incredibly comfortable with myself.

• I'm Catholic and I really love being so.
• Same goes for being single.

So the thought that has been nagging me for the past 2 days has been that hopefully its not some how selfish to enjoy being single, Catholic, and virgin; and to be comfortable with it that I don't cherish the idea of ever being married and having to give up the virginity.

I don't want to lose it. I want to keep it forever.

Does that make sense to any of you?

It's not really a point of confusion for me; it seems to come naturally to me.

Yet, there's this sense of taboo about virginity, and even more so about keeping it. And not just "in the world" but also in the fact that this isn't discussed in the Church. The only time I've ever talked about it with a person is with a friend who's Baptist and she said that she remains pure because God takes pleasure in it. End of conversation.

Marriage is beautiful, as are children. And as attractive as a man might be, I don't have ANY desire to marry him. As cute and adorable babies and little kiddies might be, I don't want to have them. This leaves me with three wonderful choices to make: religious life, consecrated virgin, or be a celibate member in a lay ministry such as Opus Dei, which I really enjoy participating in although I'm not yet a member.

Any yet, although I only have 3 to choose from, the possibilities still seem infinite.

Oh boy, do I need a spiritual advisor or what?

My Life Since Graduation

I graduated this past Friday from the University with a BA in Psychology and BA in Sociology. While both departments' diploma ceremonies were in the same satellite location, I walked with psychology; I clapped most often for friends in Sociology.

Now I am spending time with family, as my Grandfather who lives in Michigan and whom I have not seen for 7 years is in town and staying with us. Actually, he sleeps in my room while I share my sister's bed. I am also looking for a job, mainly for the summer, but if I can find one that I can work close to where I'll be attending for graduate school, it'd be great. I will be attending a CSU, and while that is much more less expensive that what tuition has been for the last four years, it's now all on my shoulders, and any small amount of money looks like a lot to me.

Graduation gifts rock! I have gotten nothing but money, and it's all going towards a new (used) car for me to own. Hopefully this one will have A/C and at least a tape deck.

When I'm not online looking for jobs, or taking Grandpa around town, I'm sewing. I'm half-done with a "Double Wedding Ring" quilt that I've done with my scrap fabrics. Mom wants me to sell it online because she doesn't like anything that I sew: she likes pastel colors, while I like vibrants like purple and yellow or dark colors like sage green or burgundy.

That's pretty much what I'm doing these days.

Letter from the Prelature, May 04. 2007

Throughout the Easter season, the readings at Mass present us with scenes taken from the Acts of the Apostles. It is a source of great joy to see how from the beginning, right from the day of Pentecost, the first faithful had the clear awareness of constituting the new family of God on earth, founded on Christ’s paschal sacrifice and on the effusion of the Holy Spirit. Let us be filled with joy and responsibility, since we, each one of us, are the Church, which is ever young.

St. Luke tells us that those first brothers and sisters of ours in the faith “devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers.”[1] And, he adds: “the company of those that believed were of one heart and soul.”[2]

An immediate consequence of knowing and feeling themselves to be God’s family was apostolic daring, the courage to speak about Jesus to the persons they met, without fear or human respects. “They spoke the word of God with boldness,” notes the evangelist. And he emphasizes: “with great power the apostles gave their testimony to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and great grace was upon them all.”[3]

Underlying this marvelous picture, which highlights the first Christians’ logical enthusiasm for the risen Jesus and their apostolic zeal, one can make out, as I already said, the awareness of being God’s family on earth. It is the family, united by bonds much stronger than those of blood, that our Lord had proclaimed in his preaching: “Here are my mother and my brethren! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister, and mother.”[4]

Jesus’ words refer first of all to our Lady, for thanks to Mary’s full adherence to what the Archangel had announced to her on God’s behalf, the great mystery of the incarnation of the Word took place. The first Christians learned from our Lady to conduct themselves as God’s children, as brothers and sisters of Jesus Christ.

Some Fathers of the Church emphasize Mary’s indispensable role as Mother in the early Church, after Jesus’ ascension to heaven and the coming of the Paraclete. For example, in a book attributed to St. Maximus the Confessor, we read that “when the apostles dispersed throughout the whole world, the holy Mother of Christ, as Queen of all mankind, dwelt at the center of the world, in Jerusalem, in Sion, with the beloved apostle whom Christ the Lord had given to her as her son.”[5]

These considerations are very timely for the month of May, especially dedicated, in a great part of the world, to our Lady. Fulfilling the mission her Son entrusted to her on the Cross, Mary conducts herself at every moment as the Mother of Christians, as the Mother of the Church. I invite you to consider St. Josemaría’s joy when, at the beginning of this month, he points out that “devotion to our Lady...is always alive, awakening in Christians a supernatural desire to act as domestici Dei, as members of God’s household (Eph 2:19).”6]

I would dare to say that St. Josemaría was an innovator or, if you prefer, a saint who drew out immense riches and insights from Sacred Scripture. He used to stress that a Christian—and specifically, a man or woman of Opus Dei—makes the street into a temple, by turning one’s occupations into worship and praise of the Blessed Trinity. And I find in those words of the homily I just cited something very characteristic of him, which many people have commented on: in his human dealings and conversations, St. Josemaría converted the many different places where he happened to be into another Bethany. When with the sick, with manual workers, with students, with intellectuals, etc. (and I could point to many specific cases), he created a family atmosphere, teaching everyone how to receive Christ, as did Martha, Mary and Lazarus.

It is only natural that each one, in light of his or her particular needs, should make a specific plan for ways to deal personally with our Lady in the upcoming weeks, with the desire to see those around us as brothers and sisters, at every moment. Perhaps we can put more attention and affection into our daily praying of the Rosary and the contemplation of the mysteries; or undertake a pilgrimage, accompanied perhaps by another person, to a shrine or chapel dedicated to our Lady in the city where we live or in the surrounding area.

In Opus Dei during this month we live the custom of the “May pilgrimage,” begun by our founder in 1935. Let us entrust its spiritual fruit into our Mother’s hands. For as St. Josemaría said, “Mary continually builds the Church and keeps it together. It is difficult to have devotion to our Lady and not feel closer to the other members of the Mystical Body and more united to its visible head, the Pope.”[7]

The consideration of the Church as God’s family also brings to mind the need to spread the truth about the family, founded on the marriage “of one man and one woman, forever.” As the Pope said in Valencia a little less than a year ago, “the family is the privileged setting where every person learns to give and receive love.”[8] We can never do enough to spread the Church’s teaching on this point, when in many countries people are undermining, by means of unjust laws and customs, the natural foundations of the family. A few weeks back, I had the joy of meeting in Rome with a large group of married couples who were taking part in an International Conference on the Family. Following the teachings of the Church’s Magisterium, I encouraged them to continue strengthening, by their words and their lives, the roots of the institution of the family, which is “a necessary good for peoples, an indispensable foundation for society and a great and lifelong treasure for couples.”[9]

The family is rightfully called the domestic church, “because the family manifests and lives out the communal and familial nature of the Church as the family of God. Each family member, in accord with their own role, exercises the baptismal priesthood and contributes toward making the family a community of grace and of prayer, a school of human and Christian virtue and the place where the faith is first proclaimed to children.”[10]

An essential characteristic of this institution, as a community founded and built on love—a disinterested self-giving to others—is that its members are called to spend themselves daily in an effective and affectionate concern for one another. No one there can act as if the others did not exist; each has to be concerned about the needs of the others: praying for one another, helping one another, suffering and rejoicing over the sorrows and joys of the others. Thus all will contribute to carrying out the most sweet precept, which brings with it Christian fraternity, a sowing of peace and joy that necessarily ends up influencing society.

The duty to “build up the family”in each home is something very pleasing, which falls on everyone: the father and mother, the brothers and sisters, the grandparents, anyone who contributes with their work to the care of the home. It is a task that affects everyone, because all of us have to fight against a “spoiled child” mentality, a clear manifestation of self-centeredness. Logically, this duty especially binds the parents, who have to direct their entire life, before other noble goals, to modeling their own family, as perfectly as possible, on the Holy Family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Although some disagreements will inevitably occur, Christian spouses have to make an effort to overcome them quickly, asking for and granting forgiveness.

St. Josemaría understood and excused those weaknesses: “since we are human beings, sometimes it’s okay to argue; but not a lot. And afterwards, both of you have to recognize that you are at fault, and tell each other, “Forgive me!” And give each other a big hug, and then, keep going! But make it clear that you are not going to have any more fights for a long time. And never argue in front of the children, whether they are young or older. Even when very small, children notice everything.”[11]

This marvelous panorama, daughters and sons of mine who are living your divine vocation within marriage, is also seen in sacrifices that are generally small, although at times they may seem great to you. The responsibility of bringing forward the home falls integrally on the father and mother, in every area. Perhaps one of the spouses, because of work demands, spends most of their time outside the home; but on returning home, after a day of hard, and even exhausting, work, one cannot dispense oneself from striving to make the life of the other family members pleasant, or dedicate oneself to thinking selfishly about one’s own relaxation. You have to give your spouse the affection and attention to which they have a right, and your children—especially in crucial periods of their physical and emotional development—the time and affection that they need.

Therefore, my daughters and sons who are married, examine your behavior at home. Think about how you can help out more in the tasks at home (which also fall to the men). Consider whether you speak calmly amongst yourselves about each of your children, so as to guide them by common agreement, and whether you are ready, when necessary, to cut back in your activity outside the home, in order to take better care of your family, which is always, as St. Josemaría insisted, the “best business.” Especially, when the children are very young, help the other spouse to fulfill their Christian duties, such as attending Holy Mass or the means of Christian formation. Seek out the opportune means, certain that your effort and sacrifice will redound to the good of the whole family.

In the preceding paragraphs I have spoken more specifically to married people, but I want to stress that these duties and the main points of these counsels can apply to everyone, for we are all responsible—each in his or her own personal circumstances—for creating and maintaining around us a true family atmosphere. How do you pour yourself out for the others? What interest do you show in bringing peace and joy to the others? How do you show your availability for whatever needs to be done at home? At the office, in the workshop, during moments of relaxation, how do you foster fraternity, the environment of a home?

As I write these lines, I am also thinking in a very special way of the Administration of our Centers. Precisely because you carry out work very similar to that of our Lady in the home of Nazareth, how greatly you can influence, my daughters, the good of each person, each Center, each apostolic endeavor, the entire Work, all of society, by your hidden and silent service that creates the savor of a Christian family!

With regard to this marvelous family that is the Work, I have given thanks to God for two recent experiences. Fifteen days ago in Milan; and the day before yesterday when I returned from Berlin. These two stays brought to mind many recollections of the life of St. Josemaría, who wants each and every one of us to “build up the family” at every moment.

Let us go frequently to the Mother of the Church and the Work, asking her to teach us to spread the ideals of the Christian family everywhere, with its various practical, and necessary, consequences. If this should ever entail sacrifice, let us not forget that it is also an inexhaustible source of joy: the joy of those who don’t think about themselves but who give themselves in generous dedication to the others, for God, as Jesus did.

Continue to pray a lot for my intentions. God willed that I be the Father of this supernatural family of the Work. I, alone, cannot do anything; supported by my daughters and sons, with God’s grace, I can do everything: “omnia possum in eo, qui me confortat.”[12]

And pray more, much more, for Benedict XVI, the common Father of Catholics, the Vicar of Christ in this great family of God on earth, which the Holy Church is.

[1] Acts 2:42.
[2] Acts 4:32.
[3] Acts 4:31,33.
[4] Mt 12:49-50;
[5] The Life of Mary, attributed to St. Maximus the Confessor, no. 95 (Testi mariani del primo millennio, vol. II, p. 259).
[6] St. Josemaría, Christ Is Passing By, no. 139.
[7] Ibid.
[8] Pope Benedict XVI, Address at the World Meeting of Families, July 8, 2006.
[9] Ibid.
[10] Catechism of the Catholic Church, “Compendium,” no. 350.
[11] St. Josemaría, Notes taken in a get-together, June 4, 1974 (Hogares luminosos y alegres, p. 26).
[12] Phil 4:13.