So Many Things...

Unlike a lot of bloggers, I am not fasting my blogs for Lent; it's booze. That's difficult for any post-grad person who hangs out on campus, goes to bars, clubs, etc. Yes, for any jaw-droppers out there, I party like that. There's some fun under all this straightlacing!

Sister Joseph Andrew asked me this week for an update on my discernment and about where I am with taking care of my student debt. I do not have a definitive answer for me, for you, or for her; and we all should have a response to the inquiry! I would love to know what God wants to happen.

That being said, I've got a lot of peace around the idea that I am not likely to enter the Dominican Sisters of Mary. I was heartbroken last year when I was accepted and unable to enter, but not this year. This is not resignation, this is an accepting, "Okay, God, if not the DSMME, where? Who?"

No order, as I stand right now, will seriously consider me with debt. So thus far I know that I cannot seriously apply and enter a convent for about 2 years, perhaps 3, considering I ardently desire for my sanity to move out of my parents' house.

So I've got the "when" addressed. As for the where, there are several realizations coming to me, prayerfully of course.

First, I love the DSMME, but I think I was initially drawn to their vitality, youth, and faithfulness to Rome. These are all very lovely things to desire, but a vocational calling they do not make. I liked the idea of teaching, but having used this year to teach Confirmation, I can say I like teaching, but I do not love it. I cannot do it all the time. However teaching Confirmation and being involved with 2 parishes in the area have allowed me to experience retreats. I love helping out with retreats - teaching, coordinating, being in the background, and interceding for the retreatants.

What else do I like and look for in an expression of my faith? Spiritual warfare and intercession finds me; I don't go looking for it. Now, provided some of that is directly related to the fact I live at home and family members invite idolatry and occultic practices in; yet I'm around it even outside of the family house.

Third, I'm not attached to any of the Dominican saints; they are great people and saints, but they are not the ones I call upon. I call upon St Michael, St Joan of Arc, and St Benedict. And this got me to praying and thinking about what I mentioned above in terms of spirituality and warfare, and intercession. It's always been there, it's not going away.

Lastly, at the beginning, and this continues still, my prayer has been to be with Jesus Christ alone. To just be with Him all the days of my life, and nothing else. It's the "nothing else" and "alone" that jumps out at me now. In the previous 3 years of discernment I think I was afraid of monastic and contemplative vocations. I had no idea about them, and I wasn't about to consider them out of fear. Fear? Fear is of the Devil, and it always grips us right when we are about to do something that is perfectly legitimate in the eyes of God (i.e., Confession, speaking out about the Truth). So, maybe it's time to face this old fear head on and look at monastic life, and such.

That's where I'm at.

A Quick Update

As I have mentioned in the past several posts, the DSMME put a deadline on my student loans. I have spoken with many KoC and other Catholic societies in the region and have been told not much can be started before March. March does not leave me a lot of time, so instead of buckling down and plastering this world with monetary pleas, I've been praying more.

Which leads me to say that I think God is calling me elsewhere. I'm not 100% certain, nor am I pouring the concrete until the Sisters' deadline has arrived.

In the meantime, if you could squeeze me into your prayers - for clarity - I'd really appreciate it!

Are you going ...

This is a reflection I wrote earlier this month for a Confirmation 2 retreat.
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I will stand at my guard post,
And station myself upon the rampart,
And keep watch to see what He will say to me,
And what answer He will give to my complaint.
Habakkuk 2:1

Habakkuk, a prophet from the Old Testament, says that he will stand at his guard post and watch for the Lord. He’s waiting, waiting. God’s never late, although He doesn’t seem to keep track of time like we do. He’s standing at his post, and waiting to see God and to learn what He has to tell him. Habakkuk is looking around, looking within himself, and willing to listen, although he does not know if what the Lord will say will be what he wants to hear.

God’s always there to quietly say to us This is the way, walk in it; except its so hard to hear God’s voice. God whispers, Satan screams. God gently nudges us along the right path and Satan shoves us off of it.

And sometimes the sun sets while we are still walking with God, or its dark and foggy. And other times its so cold that our hands get so cold and numb that we can’t feel that he is there, but He is. Its just that where we are when that happens, we loosen our grip on his hand. You don’t have to let go, though. Jesus and God are always here.

Habakkuk says that he went to a tower – in those days, there would only be other people around him seeking the same purpose – to stand guard. In other words, when wanting to hear God, either go off to pray like Jesus did, or surround yourself with Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Habakkuk gets above the world, God is bigger.

God is bigger. He’s bigger than all those little ideas about His actions being wishful thinking, or fate, or luck, or chance; or that He’s so big that He wouldn’t bother with us little people or little Earth.

So, you gonna go stand watch for God?

Cardinal Baloney to Retire

Can I get an 'Amen'?


p.s. click on the post title to get article with more details.

Change Is In the Air

I received an email from the D. Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist Sunday. It puts a demanding deadline on taking care of my student loans, one that will not be met, most likely.

I was upset for a day, now I'm so calm about the email and its implications of not entering, that it surprises even me!

So, I'm awaiting God (and my spiritual director) to provide some clarity about my other options.

I have to discern whether God is saying "yes" to my entering the DSMME, just not at this time, or God wants me elsewhere. It is that elsewhere that I'm waiting for more clarity.

~*~

I spent this past weekend at a Confirmation retreat for St James in Redondo Beach. My role there is giving me reason to pause and consider what "elsewhere" might mean.