When I joined up with Vision Guide to help me get an inkling of the different women religious communities available, I couldn't imagine how many responses I would get. I have some ideas now that I do not want the cloistered life, although I do respect the isolation these women live in. However, I cannot ignore the nagging sense of the candle under the bushel basket that I get with thinking of such a life for myself. I spend a lot of my time now in prayer, and am doing a daily Bible reading of each Chapter in Judith. I thought it would be fitting for me to read of the various women of the Bible, so I can see more clearly the qualties and characteristics that faith in God fosters in each woman. It gave way to my prayers last night as I finished the fourth chapter of Judith, having read about how the Jews in the mountain passes and Jerusalem fortified everything and then every citizen and slave cried out unto God. It wasn't until after my prayer that I realized it was August 8th, such a year, what a happy year! It was difficult, but I love loving God.

You know you spend a lot of time dwelling on something when you start dreaming about it. Two nights ago, it was of a modern women religious community, but not a cloistered one; that much I know. Then last night it was a dream of pioneer women working on a farm, without a man in sight - some form of woman community, but I don't recall if it was religious.

Prayer last night was beautiful. I wanted to run outside and stand in the cool air, surrounded and washed pale by the moonlight. I could see the moonlight reflecting off of the roofs, but not the moon itself. I had, and was, content with my bedroom window though and it was sometime before midnight. I'm trying to get up early in the mornings to have some private prayer time with God, but so far I've only been able to rouse myself enough to turn off the alarm. One of these mornings thought, my internal clock will wake me before the alarm, and I'll be alert enough to pray then. It has only been 2 days. Perhaps I'm a little hard on myself, but how else to foster determination?

I met with local Los Angelinos, who are members of Opus Dei this past Saturday at Our Lady of Angels Cathedral to celebrate the feast day of Sts. Josemaria Escriva and John the Baptist. I have to say that Opus Dei is a very nice organization that emphasizes work and the laity all being called to holiness by God, not just those entering a religious vocation. However, after meeting with them, something feels missing and incomplete about them - my soul was not at "home."

I am considering other organizations, lay orders, and perhaps even the sisterhood. As with all things concerning discernment I am terribly uncertain as to what God desires me to do in my life for Him. Issues lie in my personal dreams - I would like a family - however everything about me socially and personally screams out that I cannot bear to date, or get to know men. Nor am I able to interact with children. All are a blessing to whom they come, but am I to be a mother?

Pray for me that the noise of the material world and the wishes and wants of my family would die down long enough for me to hear what God desires of me. I'll pray for you in turn.

So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5:48

Christ calls us to perfection, while He knows of His death and resurrection. Does that mean that human perfection and submission to God is actually possible?


Shouldn't we at least try?
God doesn't want us idle nor lukewarm.

Why are new years' resolutions so difficult to adhere to and complete? I am amazed by how much of the year has already passed by, and also by how much I have left to accomplish. When my prayer life falters, every other part of me lags behind, fall behind, and eventually regresses.

Regression. It's no longer seriously considered in the field of psychology; but in one's faithfulness it is unfathomable how quickly we lose our resolve to do better, to do more, to exceed expectations by leaps and bounds.

I now know what it is like to be lukewarm and complacent; what a distasteful state. Where's the motivation? But how to build up character and virtues without puffing up one's self? How to sacrifice without thinking that we are winning merit with God?

Humility, it's something that I am learning to respect. All too often I have to remind myself that my life is not my own. I have newfound, renewed respect for those priests who I've come across and tell me that all that the advice they offer comes from God.

La vida no es mio.
Lo siento.

I assume it's my ability, my skill, my right. You have any idea how often I repeat those two lines above to God? It's usually on the drive to campus, or with my coffee mug in hand. I'm floundering around for words here to express it. Maybe it is just so personal, or so significant that words may never be found.

On another note, I know some of you expressed interest in my sociology paper on cohabitation and religion, so if you want a copy, I'll attach it to an email for you. It was fun to write it -- I like the act of writing. I'm not sure if I like the results section - oh, it's well-written, but the reality of the numbers and the analysis presents religion with a poor outlook especially as cultural trends continue to shift towards the individual and the material world.

Isn't it interesting how you really don't want more than what you currently have until someone brings it up? My little putt-putt of a car is okay until I hear of a 2k deal for some snazzy little thing being sold by the kid down the street; or I have more than enough fabric stored under the bed until I see that cute quilting calico in the store bin. These trends are just limited to us, and they rage around the world in neat little digital gizmos, fancy gas-saving (?) cars, that new specialty on coffee that Starbuck is offering, etc. Got to have it, our way and fast. It's all about self-gratification. Well, apparently religion has gone down the same road with it being less and less about adherence to the institution's moral teachings and more about taking what is pleasing to you, and leaving the rest behind. We look to God as a dispensing machine, getting what we want - prayers, desires, needs. Love is a two-way street. We have tonnes of sayings about pairs, from the two-way street, to it takes two to tango. We apply that to our love lives, to our friendships and expectations. But to the one it matters the utmost - God- we pay no heed. God's not about meeting our needs, but we are supposed to meet his needs, do his work, his will. Why else would Christ tell us to take on a yoke? It's not about play, but work. Nor else would the New Testament apostles call themselves slaves of Christ. It's not about us. But we like us, ourselves so we continue following that carrot that we shall never get- it just leads to more trouble. So, long explanation, short reply - we behave just as we think; you follow secular society, then your behaviors will not be aligned with God. In essence, more youth, young adults, and divorcees are turning to cohabitation because it meets their needs, instead of turning from the temptation - wouldn't you know it leads to more temptation of sexual immorality?