I think I have made myself somewhat miserable over the past few days. Not all of it is my fault, but I can't really do much than think of how unworthy I am of all that God had done for me, least of all His holy sacrifice.

This guy/man at work likes me; I need to find a way to tell him that we can only be friends. I want to belong solely to God.

This sense of wanting to belong only to God, is what I want, and I don't know if it is what God wants of me. There is a difference in that that I percieve, but in an email with a Sister about discernment she told me that what I really want for myself, is also what God wants of me. I don't know about that; there is so much in this world that we want for ourselves that God does not will for us. Sure, this is not of the world, but how am I to know if I am not fleeing from duties that God has planned for me?

How am I to do this without familial support? I know I dwell on this so much, that I complain and bemoan it so much. Its so crucial. But I haven't told them. I just know that my family doesn't support me by two things they've done: (1) ignore the man in the family who did become a priest, and (2) make derisive comments and insults at those I know who have given their life to God. I too, merit those comments, although they don't know that. It's very hurtful.

But there is so much else that I don't have full support for, that it should be second nature by now. Oh, they financially support me and all that jazz, but in the ways that my parents persist that I pursue a BA in business or managament to this very day, the eve of my graduation (May 2007) in psychology and sociology says otherwise.

Even my hobbies and personal quirks they do not like. I already know all the arguments that they will lobby at me.

Perhaps I should move out, the Lord knows how dearly I've always wanted to escape.

*shrugs it off*

When I joined up with Vision Guide to help me get an inkling of the different women religious communities available, I couldn't imagine how many responses I would get. I have some ideas now that I do not want the cloistered life, although I do respect the isolation these women live in. However, I cannot ignore the nagging sense of the candle under the bushel basket that I get with thinking of such a life for myself. I spend a lot of my time now in prayer, and am doing a daily Bible reading of each Chapter in Judith. I thought it would be fitting for me to read of the various women of the Bible, so I can see more clearly the qualties and characteristics that faith in God fosters in each woman. It gave way to my prayers last night as I finished the fourth chapter of Judith, having read about how the Jews in the mountain passes and Jerusalem fortified everything and then every citizen and slave cried out unto God. It wasn't until after my prayer that I realized it was August 8th, such a year, what a happy year! It was difficult, but I love loving God.

You know you spend a lot of time dwelling on something when you start dreaming about it. Two nights ago, it was of a modern women religious community, but not a cloistered one; that much I know. Then last night it was a dream of pioneer women working on a farm, without a man in sight - some form of woman community, but I don't recall if it was religious.

Prayer last night was beautiful. I wanted to run outside and stand in the cool air, surrounded and washed pale by the moonlight. I could see the moonlight reflecting off of the roofs, but not the moon itself. I had, and was, content with my bedroom window though and it was sometime before midnight. I'm trying to get up early in the mornings to have some private prayer time with God, but so far I've only been able to rouse myself enough to turn off the alarm. One of these mornings thought, my internal clock will wake me before the alarm, and I'll be alert enough to pray then. It has only been 2 days. Perhaps I'm a little hard on myself, but how else to foster determination?

I met with local Los Angelinos, who are members of Opus Dei this past Saturday at Our Lady of Angels Cathedral to celebrate the feast day of Sts. Josemaria Escriva and John the Baptist. I have to say that Opus Dei is a very nice organization that emphasizes work and the laity all being called to holiness by God, not just those entering a religious vocation. However, after meeting with them, something feels missing and incomplete about them - my soul was not at "home."

I am considering other organizations, lay orders, and perhaps even the sisterhood. As with all things concerning discernment I am terribly uncertain as to what God desires me to do in my life for Him. Issues lie in my personal dreams - I would like a family - however everything about me socially and personally screams out that I cannot bear to date, or get to know men. Nor am I able to interact with children. All are a blessing to whom they come, but am I to be a mother?

Pray for me that the noise of the material world and the wishes and wants of my family would die down long enough for me to hear what God desires of me. I'll pray for you in turn.

So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matthew 5:48

Christ calls us to perfection, while He knows of His death and resurrection. Does that mean that human perfection and submission to God is actually possible?


Shouldn't we at least try?
God doesn't want us idle nor lukewarm.

Why are new years' resolutions so difficult to adhere to and complete? I am amazed by how much of the year has already passed by, and also by how much I have left to accomplish. When my prayer life falters, every other part of me lags behind, fall behind, and eventually regresses.

Regression. It's no longer seriously considered in the field of psychology; but in one's faithfulness it is unfathomable how quickly we lose our resolve to do better, to do more, to exceed expectations by leaps and bounds.

I now know what it is like to be lukewarm and complacent; what a distasteful state. Where's the motivation? But how to build up character and virtues without puffing up one's self? How to sacrifice without thinking that we are winning merit with God?