Love is blind, especially when it comes to us loving Our Lord. We hear our Souls saying stark, simple prayers, then mutter in our beings that surely the Lord will not take our Soul’s groans seriously. Perhaps He thought us just thinking and not praying and requesting that He make us broken, or impoverished, or a Fool for Him.
I knew that I was going to suffer, and that the heartbreak would be beyond anything I could imagine or prepare. I could arm myself with His Armour (Eph. 6), but as I couldn’t imagine, I couldn’t prepare myself further, except through prayer. Thus I chose a prayer:
Holy Mother, pierce me through, In my heart each wound renew Of my
Saviour crucified. Amen.
This prayer to the Five Wounds of Christ had one repeating phrase pleading Momma Mary to take my heart into her holy hands, and present it to our Lord. He was then to say it be done to me, as it was done to Him! My heart was to bear each Wound of His Blessed Flesh, from the nail piercing and bruising from the hammer blows, to the gaping tear of the thrust lance.
And I broke. What else was I to do? I could not fathom praising Him. Why would I want to praise Him for pain? Two months later, I understand that is what I should be doing because I now know with every fiber of my Being that He hears me. What am I that He should listen to me? Listen, He does. It is more than many dare ponder.
3 comments:
Praying.
I have several friends among the Dominican Sisters of Mary, Mother of the Eucharist. We are lucky enough to have a mission of these sisters where I live and they've taught my oldest son at school. Our local sisters and my friends at the Motherhouse told me that there were novices who had to delay admission because of school debt. I was praying for you already, but I especially glad to have found your posting at First Things and your blog so I could let you know. I converted to the Catholic Church this past Easter against my parents' wishes (married 11 years and 2 sons and your folks will still think at times that they should rule your life : ). However, I've already seen the impact my uncompromising and yet unagressive new life has had on both my mom and my dad. In fact, each has now gone to Mass with us in the past two months. I admire and thank God for your willingness to accept your vocation and will be praying for you each day this year when I pray for vocations.
God bless you!
K Jolley
I know this has to be a difficult week for you. One of the new aspirants is a friend of some young friends of mine and was nurtured at the same Newman Center that nurtured my daughter and her now husband. I found your blog from hers. She headed off to the convent last week because all of her student loans had been paid off. I know how much you wanted to be a part of that class of girls.
It's sometimes mysterious the way that God does things. Sometimes He says yes in amazing ways, sometimes he says no in most definitive terms, and sometimes He simply says wait. You do not yet know the incredible things He can do with this waiting time. The best thing that you can do with this waiting time is make the best use of it. You can begin to prepare by actually living as closely to the schedule of your order as possible, you can begin to prepare by the reading you do (perhaps St. Therese's The Story of a Soul would be helpful to you). You can begin to prepare by spending time in prayer for the people whom you will be praying for once you enter. As a meditation might I suggest Proverbs 31. Most people think of this as a chapter for married women, but one of the most powerful books I read as a young Protestant woman was written on this chapter from the perspective of someone who was single (sorry I cannot remember the title - that was close to 40 years ago).
Finally, it's difficult for parents to realize you're all grown up and ready to make your own decisions when you're still living at home and they're still supporting you financially. It's never easy to believe that your kids have grown up (mine are 27 and 30), but when they still live at home (one of mine does) it's even more difficult to feel that you don't have some voice in their decisions. We try very hard to not push, prod or otherwise interfere, but it's not easy. I'm not saying you have the ability to change that right now, just noting that your current situation is making it more difficult for you and your parents to make this transition.
I'll be praying for all of you. I'll especially be praying that this waiting time is an incredibly fruitful one.
Post a Comment