Masking

Driving home last night from my counseling class, I realized my mask of control has been slipping off a lot more frequently. I'm going to be posting some things on here, which are much more stark and blunt about my life and my personal struggles, than I have posted here on Blogger in the past. You have been given fair warning.

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First, a month-by-Month Play to bring you up to speed:

October was (I can barely remember) okay. I don’t think I got any job interviews during that month, and sitting at home was pretty boring and depressing. The best way I’ve come to describe Oct – Dec is that it was like sitting on a rock in a forest at night, and a heavy damp fog rolls in. And I’m just supposed to sit there and wait for the sun to come and burn off the fog.

November was better, activity wise. I had a few more job interviews, although no offers. I took part in NaNoWriMo, which is a manic writing spree hosted online. The goal is to write 50,000 words in 30 days in a somewhat cohesive manner; to write a novella in 30 days. It was a blast, although in posting my chapters online I got flamed by some people because my characters weren’t all Christian saints – there’s no plot without drama, &c. Needless to say, I didn’t keep those people around, and in currently beginning my second draft, I’m removing some characters as well.

Mom had an episode; not as bad as the one in September where dad had to restrain her and we debated above her yelling, whether to call the paramedics.

December, in an effort to make some money, I was one of those kettle workers/bell ringers for the Salvation Army. I rang a bell for 7.5 hrs/day; for $8/hr. It’s boring, mind-numbing, and depressing. I had to quit, since there came a day where I just lay in bed for a full hour, fully awake but unable to find an ounce of strength to actually get up. I made a call to my spiritual director, and made an appointment with my therapist (who I hadn’t seen since April 2009) which went against all my natural inclinations to just shut away. December was gray.

January
I never did see my therapist; and I found a job through someone I met while bell ringing. Let’s call him “Dirty-Old-Man” (aka, DOM). Why? Because that’s what he is. I was paid $10/hr under the table, a few days per week, in an office in South Pasadena (1.5 hours from home). The $100/wk I made working for him just about covered my gas for the week and food, and sometimes if I played the dollar right, was able to scrimp up a bit for fun nights.

I felt better than I had in December. Except for my boss, who looked at the other women in the office the wrong way – there were only 6 people in the office. I was hired to sort through and organize paper; copy & fax, etc. Well, the things I had to sort through were economic futures and the occasional unsavory email between my boss and women half his age (ick). So, I wasn’t comfortable working for him and do not complain that he ‘fired’ me via email in February. The only thing I miss is having some money.

I had 3 job interviews, some of them looked good. I didn’t land any of them.

I think it was in January, although it may have been February, the Sisters informed me that my acceptance was only good for two years, and if I did not have my loans taken care of by June 1st I wouldn’t be entering. I have been interacting with KoC and other regional Catholic groups in parishes, and none of the groups are able to help much, if at all. I was told that March would be too soon to have any funds raised at all.

Mom had another episode. I’ve since noticed that I get terrible tension headaches and migraines after her tantrums (the kind that 75 mg of Vicodin don’t help with the pain).

February
As I mentioned above, I lost my job with the DOM. I started taking classes at West LA Community College to fill my time, to stay relevant in the field. Plus my parents would not stop bugging me about it. Clearly, I wasn’t getting hired any time soon with 12% unemployment in CA, so I should be back in school again. Funny enough, now they want me to look for jobs instead of studying. I’ve got three classes in the Drug and Alcohol Counseling program. If I actually finish the program, I would have a certification in D&A counseling.

Lent was odd. Some weeks were insightful, and others just dragged in that Lenten way.

I got told by a ‘friend’ that I was abusive, abrasive, and should not speak until spoken to. Then he promptly invited me to help him move out of his apartment. I’m “abusive” but he wants my company? No, that’s not the way it works. I haven’t spoken to him since, which apparently he is fine with.

I think mom had another episode; I had about a whole week of tension headaches and migraines. One of them is the now infamous Vicodin-don’t-work migraine. That sucked; you really have no idea. I say ‘think’ because I’m pretty sure that she did, but I tend to block them (yeah, block them & try my hardest to not listen or remember what she says).

Continued discernment about my loans and vocation. Seems to be less called to the Sisters. Focusing more on what is my experience of the Faith, what I enjoy doing, and why certain Saints come through for me (One of them dramatically shaped religious life; and I’m curious to know why this one Saint comes through for me when so many others with more appropriate patronage do not).

March
About two job interviews, one of which led to a second interview; really excited about this, but down playing it. I’m pretty jaded and ambivalent now about finding a job. A whole year of unemployment, I’m amazed that I still try!

I don’t know. I don’t try too hard to remember the past month, or much of anything. =) I went to the Los Angeles Religious Education Congress (it’s as bad as they say it is) but it’s a weekend outside of the house and somebody gave me their tickets. It was cool.

April
Easter Vigil was awesome. Ended running into friends which makes it better, left with standing room only (long narrow church from the 1880s).

Mom decided to quit her job. On one hand that’s good because she’s less stressed and less likely to blow up. And here the other shoe drops – she’s home all day with me: the unemployed, unsuccessful daughter. So, when she’s not busy with other things, which wore off after the 2nd week, I’m her project. She’s signing me up for classes. Pushing for me to enroll in an MBA program, etc.

You say, ‘get a job’? I’m trying!!

You say, move out? I have $323.60 in the bank. If I move out, I have to pay for food, rent (upwards of $900/mo), car insurance, health insurance, gas, cell phone bill, etc. I have no job; no job, no move out. I particularly enjoy hearing from people who say ‘move in with me’ and what, they’re gonna be my sugar daddy?!? I’m not floating in money, I’m floating in debt!

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If you’re saying, “And the good times?” They’re all in there in between. I stopped attending the Bible study session and prayer meetings for Adoration nights during Lent and Faith sharing dinners with closer friends. I’ll probably continue doing so. There’s multiple issues at play: chauvinist tendencies at the Bible study sessions; prayer meetings are with the guy who said I was abusive and don’t have the right to speak. I go to a potluck dinner once a week with my grad school friends down on campus, which is tons of fun & hilarity.