a thought

I defend.

Noun, subject, verb, predicate.  It's a complete sentence; and it's complete thought.  Although it's only two words, it's far from simple.

What have I been up to?

Not much.

Still working 6hrs/day at the senior day center, and volunteering hours in the evenings at the mental health clinic.

Recently downed by a summer cold that had the revenge of winter; I evaded the flu all season. Now I have earaches (plural: 2), pink eye(s), and a cold. I'm bored as being sick sucks all the fun out of skipping out of work.

Moved over to the TLM perhaps permanently. Not teaching Confirmation much; becoming a substitute teacher and will help with any, all (?), retreats. 

Some photography, some quilting.

Note: TLM = Tridentine Latin Mass / Traditional Latin Mass

take the cake

When something is mandated by law, it overrides any standing company policy.

 

If standing by legal and ethical standards makes me a disappointment to my boss, then I want to be a complete and utter humiliation and black mark upon him forever.

 

 

Pride and Spite

A little over a week and a half ago, I applied for a therapist position. I recieved an intake call from their HR manager and was able to arrange an interview last week. This position is a boon: competitive starting salary, compensates gas and mileage, full benefits after 90 days of probation. There's also growth opportunities, CEUs, trainings, &c.

 

I recently landed a second interview for later this week. My father told me that he and mom were happy and proud. Dad came up to my room last night and quietly told me this twice. My mother, has yet to speak to me at all, and she's upset. Sounds proud, doesn't she?

Maundy Thursday

Holy Week. It's always a drain.

All the usual temptations, and then some, are ramped up; seeking you around each corner to trip you out of your best intentions.

Stress hits an all time high, and emotions like anxiety or sadness come out of the woodwork.

All good-intentioned actions run short, get bumped off, or go awry.

*

And then there's stuff with family. My family goes a little nuts, and not like buying eggs, plastic grass and baskets crazy. They just get nuttier.

Now, tonight. Today was a mess. I was late to work. I got out of work past 2:30 after being in a meeting since 12:45pm. I get to internship, and my client misses his appointment time. I go to Mass at 7:30pm and walk out at 10pm. I have 25 missed calls on my phone, 11 voicemail messages and 3 text messages. Dad's in the ER; now they're keeping him overnight for observation.

*

I asked for today, Good Friday, off from work. So much for time off, time to relax, time to breathe and let be. 

****

Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you. -- St Augustine

 

Faith lives on things that are most dark, just as hope lives best on the elements of despair.  -- Blessed Nivard, OSB Cist.

All our religion is but a false religion, and all our virtues are mere illusions and we ourselves are only hypocrites in the sight of God, if we have not that universal charity for everyone - for the good, and for the bad, for the poor and for the rich, and for all those who do us harm as much as those who do us good. --  St. John Vianney

Dinner?

Today I hit an insight: I can deny how I feel all day long and tell myself "No, I'm not" or "No, I don't" feel x, y, and z or want to a, b, and c. Or I can say "yes" to these feelings and wants and desires, and not follow through on them. Hah! How's that? I can admit, yes, I'm nervous and anxious and don't know why. I can also say that while I'm nervous and anxious, it doesn't have to rule over me.  This state of mind feels better than constantly denying how I feel, which created more anxiety as I tried to fight off my natural inclination.

Meanwhile, I've put off a number of things:

1. writing a letter to Monsignor for why 2 teens should not be Confirmed in May
2. Eating dinner
3. getting back to work on my novels
4. Need to find a better job
5. I'm probably forgetting something here...

So, putting off dinner - I get home from internship on Tuesdays sometime around 9pm; I've spent the past 12 hours of my life taking care of other people, pushing paper through shredders, gripping about slow computers and worrying about the psychosocial status of 120 elderly clients. That's just my job. Internship; I coordinate and co-facilitate well-thought out groups for substance abusing teenagers; activities are underappreciated, therapeutic moments are lost to the world of wanting ipods, quickies, and booze. 

I get to come home and be bombarded with "Hey, could you...." and I just stammer "No. No.  I can't." 

"Well,  are you going to eat now or later?" 

"I don't know Dad. I just got home, okay?"

Sheesh. He's been home all day, thinking of more things for me to do to appease himself and mom. Things to keep things on an even keel.  All I want to do when I get home is to relax, not do more things. I want to listen to music, lose myself on Facebook, get feed back on my short story, and eventually shower and go to bed.  Oh, wait, dinner is supposed to be somewhere in there - but in my haste to get all the things done, and if I can't relax, I'll skip dinner. It's hard enough to relax, since by the time I wind down and am starting to feel tired and ready for bed, guess what, it's midnight. Turn on the alarm, crawl back into bed with my stuffed animal, and wait for 6:45am to roll around.

yep.

For the Greater Glory of God

can be seen in the small things. Like the care taken to pleat ribbon for a chapel veil.

Here I am 

at the end

I'm in need of Resurrection

Only YOU can take this empty shell

and raise it from the dead

*

Realise that you were delivered from

the futile way of life your fathers handed on to you,

not by any diminishable sum of silver or gold,

but by Christ's blood beyond all price:

the blood of a spotless,

unblemished lamb

chosen before the world's foundation

and revealed for your sake

in these last days.

It is through Him that 

you are believers in God,

the God who raised Him from the dead

and gave Him glory.

Your faith and hope, then,

are centered in God.

Amen.

1 Peter 1:18-21

be

When the Dept of Aging Visits

Have I been too quiet for my non-existant readership?

 

The State came to my work yesterday and this morning. Department of Aging has little to complain about regarding us. This is really good news! So, now that its all over, my body is telling me how stressed it is: the pain is more apparent. I skipped my evening class yesterday and took a hike instead. It took me nearly 3 hours to relax on my hike. The photos are up on FB.

 

I'm waiting on my next paycheck to go get a back massage - daily pain is really really irritating.

 

In the meantime, I'm writing a short story. I'll post a link to it when its completed and posted.

Rent

The rent is more than 1/2 of my monthly income. In L.A. that's a no-go.

Next time ... in the meantime, budget!

Work in Pain

In the past week, I have experienced a few things, and they're unpleasant.

I had to file a Child Protective Services report on behalf of a client at my internship. Wednesday evening the matter came up, and on Thursday after discussing it with my supervisor, I had to file it. I have no memory of last Monday or Tuesday. I recall vague details of Wednesday, and most of Thursday. I remember Friday clearly, but I don't recall much of my counseling session on Saturday.

What I am attempting to describe is the experience of getting so stressed out that my brain shuts down; I essentially enter "power save" mode. I lose memory of what happened prior to the event, sometimes what happened during it, and usually after it.  I have no memory what so ever of my 2 client sessions on Thursday evening, and if I did not have homework on Monday & Tuesday evening to write about what I had accomplished at internship, I would not have anything to fall back on to.

This is not my first experience of losing memory.  There are entire months that I cannot recall from being unemployed for 1.5 years prior to the job I currently have; and there are many instances of arguments and rages that my mom exposed me, my sister and dad to, that I have spotty memory of, or none at all. One example would be last July. I don't recall a large portion of what went on, not even the day. I know it was the same day as a housewarming party. That's about it. But I also know that I hid in my closet that day, and in doing so, I remembered a similar incident many years ago, of hiding in my closet, trying to muffle the noise and block it out.  Actively trying to block it out.

I'm okay. I'm not great. I have daily headaches, and back pain. Add shooting pain to that back pain, and I've now been sleeping with the heating pad for over a month. Saturday evening my back pain was so bad that I took two Excedrin at 10:30 pm and at midnight I was struggling not to cry over it - the medication didn't work.

Emotionally, I seem to hold it together pretty well at work. I feel like crying in the morning sometimes. I definitely cry in my therapist's office, and if you know me, you know that I do not cry. I'm very stoic, even for a young person. 

 -- -- 

I got a text this morning from a girlfriend who needs a roommate. I texted her back saying that I was interested: what's the rent? Where's the location, etc. Turns out, it is a condo in Signal Hill.  I want to work out a budget for myself to see if it works out. So I'll be meeting up with my friends to make a budget and see if I can afford the place. I'll go out on Monday to see it, even if I have to ditch my internship class. I cannot shake the feeling that I need to ask permission to move out!

I'll keep you up-to-date.

Reverie

Ever seen someone who just looked like they belonged to a different era? She’s like that.  Every movement carries delicacy and I’d rather cut than to say a coarse word in her earshot. She walks like a waltz and her gaze like a forbidden secret, one that your father hasn’t told you about yet regarding women and the way they make you feel.  Yet, she’s not terribly ethereal.  Garish taxi-cab yellow polish tries in vain to hide gnawed out stubs of nails. Her flaxen hair just adds to the way her brown eyes claw at you.  She makes you exhale the way you gasp when walking into those old law libraries, rows upon rows of books; tile after tile, feeling like you’re looking into eternity, and you remember to breathe only since you’re about to pass out and the spots come out across your eyes. Have to touch, have to reach out, see if she’s really there; perhaps a vision, a fantasy, an Angel. Just as I’ve memorized her every fiber and cell, she’s slipping away from me, weaving between the crowds with the ease of a creek between boulders. But she’s weaving me behind, floating through the crowds on the subway platform. Then, then she’s just gone. Perhaps an angel.

Back to me, my dragging raincoat and battered briefcase. I only ground myself to the spot on the platform just to keep from being pushed over the edge onto the rails, and I can’t but help and believe that the Angel would come back, and I could gaze at her one more time. Never enough, though as much as I want it. And what could she want with something disgustingly wretched like me? Angels don’t get involved with us, do they? They’re there with God, doing His better Will and we’re just milling around down below hoping for the most minor of crumbs to fall from the manor-owner’s table. No, the lovely angelic sight won’t be around until she’s needed to whisk me away.  Better for me to be taken when my lungs are clogged and cackle like an old hag under the chains of emphysema, and my hair natty and gray. At that time, wouldn’t I be wandering though – lost in another time and completely unaware of my surroundings? I’ll be like my Angel, from another time and place with only a few traces of the times to bring someone back out of reverie.

Comment Reply

I have not read St Gemma's autobiography, but after Lent I'll try to find the book.  I've promised to not by anything new during Lent unless it's absolutely necessary (i.e., deodorant).  However I did find a website that transposed the autobiography from Italian to English, and then posted it up online through permission of the Passionists.

I hadn't been aware that she was a nun, since she had been so sickly.  I wonder if Jesus puts mystics into the convent since it's the best way to assure that they have spiritual directors and care?

St Gemma definitely inspires one to want to be a Saint.

The website about St Gemma: here.

Some Thoughts About Japan

I can't watch the videos any more. Or look at devastating photographs.  I don't turn on the radio to hear about possible nuclear meltdowns (whatever that means, no one's bothered to break it down for non-physicist me).  I'm not hiding under a rock, I know what is going on. Rather, I'm not seeking out footage, airwaves, etc.

Psychologically, it's mind-boggling. Emotionally, it's heart-wrenching.  Spiritually speaking: I'm not asking what God has done, but what He has permitted.  I'm asking what I can do spiritually to help out.

Pray, united with the intercession of the Angels, Saints, and Our Lady of Akita.

-- edited 9:30pm --

Consider the lost Souls:

• no Last Rites were available
• no Consolation
• their Guardian Angels
• the demons tormenting and spiritually attacking them
• the moments of doubt of a benevolent God

Consider the resulting damage:

• Nearly inconsolable grief
• Doubts of God's Mercy
• Turning away from God
• Anger at it all
• statement's like the psalmists'  Where is their God now?
• Spiritual attacks of doubt and despair

a quote about the Holy Cross

"My daughter, if the Cross was not felt, it could not be called a Cross. Be certain that if you stand beneath the Cross you will never be lost. The Devil has no power over those souls who weep near the Cross. My daughter, how many would have abandoned Me, if I had not crucified them. The Cross is a very precious gift, and many virtues can be learned through it." -- Jesus to St. Gemma

Lenten Reflection

Lent is a solemn and sober season.  It is at once my most favorite, and one that I do not always look forward to with eagerness, but I do look forward to it with a certain spiritual sobriety and longing.

In 2008 I fasted particularly strongly: no noise, music, or auditory stimulation at all. The only music, conversation etc occurred every Sunday at Mass.  It took me a good two weeks after Easter to turn the radio on in the car.  I cannot fast that way this year, however I am curtailing my music choices.  I'm cutting certain practices out, and resuming some spiritual reading.  What I mean by cutting certain practices out, is not like giving up chocolate or not watching television to gain more time to read.  Rather I'm gouging out unsavory practices: habitual sin. I know that it's going to flare up before it ceases, but it will end.

As Lent is somber, there's a pervasive element of despair.  It's the desert season: without water, without seeming refuge; exposed under scrutiny however painful.  It's a time that I give myself permission to spiritually flounder, and I pray for it as well.  I know that I need pruning and trimming.  It's a difficult process, but in being aware that I need to go through it, I have to let it occur.  I do not like it.  I do not willingly seek it out in joy.

Do we enjoy scrubbing the toilet? No, but wouldn't you rather have a clean toilet to purge into when you've got food poisoning?  Well, it's the same spiritually. We need to enter into Lent and it's sobriety to purge our Souls.

More Abalone Cove Photos

Lent 2011

Lent is off to a good and somber, despairing start.

silent mother

I cut my hair on Friday and I dyed it red, well, mahogany.  It looks good.

Mom's not pleased.  She's been giving me the cold should since Friday night when she saw that I had cut my hair to shoulder length and dyed it.  She only speaks to me if absolutely necessary.  You'd think that I would enjoy the silence instead of her criticism.  Nope.  I just want some response out of her.  At least comment whether she likes the cut.  The color comes out -- eventually.  But, no. We're going to act like the mature 5-year old that we are and ignore those who don't do our bidding.  We will punish them for exerting their own will on their body.  I was so thrilled and excited about my hair color and cut on Friday, you'd have thought I had received a raise.  

why do I let her rake me over the coals like this?

Wisdom before Lent

Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you. -- St Augustine

 

Abalone Cove

all these photos for your viewing pleasure minus my migraine =)

Nikon L100 ISO 800 auto mode

ground water from recent rains formed makeshift waterfall

pelicans

Hummingbird in its nest

small changes, small steps

Yesterday I ate breakfast (1 donut & 1 12oz coffee), lunch & dinner (frozen asian dinner microwave thing).

Ate 2 donuts & a 16oz coffee for breakfast this morning. Went light on lunch, since eating food is new. Felt sick around 3pm.

Chopped off another 4 inches of hair and dyed it mahogany red-brown. (here)  And will be doing dinner & Faith Sharing with friends.  I made Asian stir-fry. All veggies, garlic & ginger. =)

Rewarded myself with coldstone ice cream for dinner.  Now, before you come after me with pitchforks and torches, I did eat 2 meals today: breakfast & lunch which are very easy for me to ski.  I think that deserves a reward and positive reinforcement.  That's how I got my weight back up in 2005 (think severe weight loss from stress), so it should work again.

Setbacks to eating: getting hungrier, getting headaches

Spent my evening reading TIP 42 "Substance Abuse Treatment For Persons with Co-Occurring Disorders" & looking at photos of nuns and various stages of religious life.

=)

on a daily basis

I'm trying to manipulate myself.  If I eat out or buy food, I see it as a waste to not consume it.  That's how I eat these days, but it gets expensive. Also, I still average 1-2 meals per day.

 

All the fun bodily aches and pains, I don't know who's got lower energy due to pain: myself or my elderly clients. At least they have medication, and all I can say is that mine is due to stress.

 

De-stressing, I don't have the capability to do that right now: run off and go camping or have a retreat (damn delayed paycheck!).  It's affecting my work. =(

Introverted Ideas

I have a few ideas.

• Introverts probably aren't good for therapy since we've done all the analysis; we just need the untangling.  However, we've done so much analysis and it seems to apparent to us, that we're shocked you just don't fully grasp it yet.
• Being friends with an introvert requires one-on-one time.  Seek us out, we won't be seeking you out for dinner or parties, unless it's small and intimate.
• Introverts - for the uneducated blog-reader - are not shy, quiet, or anti-social.  We practice under the idea, that just as you would not show your cards during a game of poker, we don't show our thoughts.  Why give away what you don't deserve the right to see/know?  And why would I show my cards [thoughts] until they've percolated properly?  
• Being found trustworthy by an introvert is like blood-ties.  Our social circle is small, but tight.  Getting in is hard, getting out depends on how quick you are to disrespect our boundaries.
• We recharge out batteries (spiritually, emotionally, socially) in solitude and/or quiet.  Sometimes we need time to just be completely and entirely alone.  This isn't being socially withdrawn, this is natural for us.

02/28/2011 3am edition

You know your back pain is painful when it wakes you up during the night (the past 3 nights).

 

You know that you're not doing well in the food department when you dry heave at 3am.

 

You know that your nightmares and sleep talking are troublesome when you wake up despite being already sleep deprived, and you stroll into work 10 minutes late.

what it takes

to feel better: lots of time sitting alone. Quietly.  Lots and lots of time.  

I spent time alone yesterday and today.  I feel less exhaustion, but everything else remains the same.  Ate one meal today: 2 home made pork tamales, handful of dried blueberries & 2 Lindt chocolates.  Spending what must be the 4th week with the heating pad through the night.  Last night was nasty, I couldn't sleep much at all, and my back was all whacked out.

I'm okay with wherever this is taking me.  I don't have to fight it.

nice

The day was nice.  Sunny and breezy in the South bay.  Driving into Burbank it was omnimus dark clouds, which turned out to bring us awesome hail at El Porto's by 1pm and snow by 5pm.  Flipping awesome.  Probably the only time all day that I had a genuine smile on my face.  Bought some red suede high heels, and some cute earrings (things I actually needed: red, pink & gray pairs).

But I warned my girlfriend Mary pretty well. I said "Little Miss Sunshine is a bit more gloomy recently." And I carried along a long-standing joke about Zoloft.

I've had more coffee today, than I think most people would think wise.  Let me tell you, I could go around with a literal IV coffee drip, and I would still be tired.  I'm tired of being tired.  And I kind of want to enjoy eating, rather than feeling pressured to eat.

Such is life.

Want to leave you with this quote:

Psychology tends to be solar, wanting to bring all things to light, to overcome the darkness and make everything manageable.  It wants to banish darkness with any means at its disposal.  But no one wants such a harsh cleansing and brightening.  It would be better to be deepened and darkened by an experience of the night.  You would then become more complex, more interesting, less one-dimensional.

You can see that the point of staying in the dark is not to trick it into making you brilliant and germ-free, but to make you a more interesting person and to give you a more fascinating life.  In therapeutic times like ours, these goals may seem odd. But they are ultimately  more humane.  Rather than giving you a spotless, well-adjusted personality, they give you substance.  You become a person worth knowing, worth listening to, and worth loving, in all your dimensions. 

-- Dark Nights of the Soul, Thomas More, pg 51 

02/25/2011

This shouldn't be new information to you at this point: I'm tired.

Dragged myself out of bad this morning, running late.  Getting into work, I sat at my desk literally sat still for 5 minutes trying to think of what to do.  It's not for a lack of work, but for too much.  I'm behind in my IPCs, haven't ran a single group session, behind on my quarterly notes.

The other social worker is saying things like "Let's go eat" and my visceral reaction is "no thanks" because I've gone from "being too stressed to eat" to having no appetite whatsoever.  For example, I was watching television this afternoon with a girlfriend and a KFC commercial aired.  I wanted to buy a bucket, for a split second, to see if the pieces actually looked like the image, but not out of interest in the scent, flavor, or sustenance.  I take extra hot showers just to chase away the cold.

For the past two weeks my back pain went away.  It's returned.  I can't sit, stand, or lay in any comfortable position, and the same goes for my neck and shoulders.  The pain is stress related, I carry all my stress psychosomatically.

And if anyone's reading this and flipping out, the conversation I had with my girlfriend this afternoon is telling.  I said that I think I might be headed straight into depression.  I'm not surprised by it.  For all the damaging things I do to myself (I consider not eating self injurious behavior), I'll never kill myself.   For those who say "never say never" let me make something clear.  If this is indeed a depressive episode, it will be my sixth.  I've had darker, more dangerous episodes than anything I could be experiencing now.  I didn't attempt anything then, and won't be doing so now.  If I act out, well, what can I say? I have done so in the past and may well do so in the future.

I've got therapy tomorrow at 10am.  Afterwards I'll be going shopping with the girls, and dinner, and possibly a bar. Right now, I'm going to try to get more than 5 hours of sleep, like I did last night.

money & family

If you ask me to tell my friend about the couches your boyfriend is selling, guess what? I'm not responsible for babysitting my friend and checking to see if she got the email.  I'm also not responsible for seeing if she is interested.  She is an adult and is responsible for calling your boyfriend to say "yes, I'm interested" or "no I'm not, find another buyer."

Not planning on setting up family & friends again for buying/selling any thing.

*

6 hours at work, 1 hour on the road from point a to b, and 5 hours at internship = 12 hour days.  Every Thursday will be like this.  To think people go around telling me that they want to emulate that schedule.  Ugh.  Seriously?  I guess it might not be so grueling if I were to have some normal sleep, play, and eating patterns.

*

Oh, on the work front.  Heh.  I cannot cash my paycheck.  I needed the check on Monday so that I could cash it and send a check out for a retreat I wanted to do (the drama unfolded on Facebook) March 5th.  But I got the check on Wednesday (nearly a month on one paycheck; the first was on the 7th), and it couldn't be cashed on Wednesday & I was late to internship as a result.  I tried again today, and there's still not enough money in the ADHC business account for me to get paid.

I had told my boss on Wednesday that I needed the check.  I need more than the paper of the check.  I need the money it represents.  Because he cannot get his finances together, I lost the one day I've been looking forward to for weeks that I could actually justify as a retreat and a day to emotionally and spiritually take care of myself.  Not any more.  Well, I guess I do have that 1 hour set aside for therapy on Saturdays that I was going to postpone next week.  yay

I feel miserable.  I'm exhausted, but just like the previous nights, if I try to go to sleep I just lay awake.  Might as well make the most of it and complete IPCs (Individual Plans of Care) for work and plan therapy sessions for internship.  Ate only one meal all day.

Keep hitting brick walls: my boss overlooks me (literally ignores me); tells me that if I don't attend political rallies to keep ADHCs open, that I don't value my job; makes comments about whether I'm ready for the unemployment line.  I'm still completing re-assessments, and didn't get the list of quarterly progress notes until yesterday, and these all have to be completed by the 28th (and no, we're not open on weekends).  I asked the translator if he could help me with a final assessment today, and since he didn't get his paycheck he ignored me as well: walked right past me and didn't heed my request.  Program Director saw it all and she didn't do any thing.  I got my pay check today (we're supposed to be paid on the 5th and 20th of each month), and the boss doesn't have enough funds in the business account for me to cash my check.

If I can't cash the check, I can't go on something I've been wanting to do on the 5th of March.  I need to cash my check and write a check for the one-day retreat.  I need some time to myself and I might not get it without cashing the check.

*

Thursdays are going to be my busiest days: work 8-2, internship 3-7:30.

can't catch up

The question was posed in a comment: whether I ever pray for myself?  Only when I'm desperate.

***

I've been taking work home these past few days.  I've been trying to catch up on all the paperwork: Individual Plans of Care, social work group schedule, arranging the Volunteer Manual, and making the next month's list of quarterly and reassessments.  All this paperwork.  All these senior citizens with a multitude of problems, and I dont have enough energy or resources to help them all. I can't meet the paperwork deadlines and meet all the participants and monitor all their psychosocial needs.

I hate feeling useless.

--

Faith lives on things that are most dark, just as hope lives best on the elements of despair.  -- Blessed Nivard, OSB Cist.

Spiritual Bouquet for Pope Benedict XVI March 19th

Prayer Request

Pray for me.

I'm discerning who else God is asking me to intercede for, and there cannot be any mistake about this.  It's wrong to direct prayer towards one when God really needs it for another person.

I need clarity & spiritual endurance.

Spent all day getting rid of a tension/hunger headache. 

Even slept in a crazy bunch until past 10am.  Okay, that's a lie.  I slept in until 6:30am and then dozed, thought, cried, and moped in bed for the following 4 hours.

Eating about 1.5 meals per day.  I don't eat because of hunger, but because I just need to maintain.  I need to maintain my weight, my energy, and just keep on pressing.  Sometimes having an emphasis on flavor helps: cheese, garlic, a medley of vegetables.

I don't know. I don't know what to do for myself.

Now it's 12:13am and I know I need to sleep. I know I am tired and worn out, but I cannot sleep. I haven't had a single night of uninterrupted sleep in 5 months.

Spiritual Atmosphere

Anyone else feel the spiritual atmosphere changing?  Anyone else getting a strong sense of dread?

Working from Home

It wasn't originally in my plans to spend tonight at home. I'm usually finding one activity or another that enables me to stay out of the house as long as possible.  But I'm working on things here that I would be doing if I were to have my own place, and I don't have to interact with my parents at all.

At work I see more paperwork than I do clients.  It's driving me nuts.  I'm overwhelmed with trying to keep track of all the different diagnoses, what the Social Work department found, what the LCSW diagnosed them with, what PT and OT are working on them with.  A lot of these frustrations would be eliminated if we actually did Multi-Disciplinary Team meetings.  If OT, PT, RN, and SW were to actually quickly discuss and review what they found with the client at the end of the re-assessment period, then we could work together on the same goals over the next 6 months.

So I'm creating a log that compares what the SW department finds as a diagnosis and the reasoning, with that of the LCSW just so there's less confusion.  I had a chart with me this entire week because the pt had a diagnosis of depression from the LCSW, a prescription for Elavil from the primary care physician; but no diagnosis of depression from the doctor, or any other evident symptoms.  So I had to call and fax the doctor to get a straight answer, and then referred out to the LCSW so that we could figure out why the pt has a flat affect displays other symptoms, but certainly not depression.  If there had been such a log in the past, there wouldn't be this confusion - why did SW and LCSW have differing paperwork.

I'm creating a volunteer manual as well with HIPAA regulations, the NASW Code of Ethics, and I plan to be reading and drafting instructionals about what we do at our ADHC.  I want to include information about the most commonly seen issues: depression, dementia, Alzheimer's, medication mismanagement, etc.  Why?  I've put word out to two colleges requesting volunteers who will provide translation for our social work groups.  We are sorely in need of translators, there's only one person on staff to translate Chinese to English, and that does not help matters when it comes to Vietnamese.  It's very difficult to conduct therapy with one Social Worker, one pt, and 2 translators!  So hopefully I'll have a few bilingual volunteers, and it might might make my life a little easier.

What I was struggling to say last night, is that telling everything about who I am is difficult.  Imagine sitting down for 50 minutes and trying to quickly acquaint them with your life, family dynamics, and patterns well enough so they can help you make heads or tails of the introverts personal analysis.

 

My snide comment for the moment: does he really think that the introvert is unaware of being an introvert?

 

I didn't return to my therapist in Garden Grove, not because it's too far (although this is true), but I saw her for religious discernment and to create better emotional boundaries so that I could terminate and leave the family home for the convent.  Now, I need to work on many things: coping skills (he knows about my disorder and lack of eating; he's missing a few pieces of the puzzle), better emotional & psychological separation and boundaries from parents, and my binge drinking patterns (if you missed the story about 15+ shots of scotch whiskey, that's not my fault).

reviewing

Starting all over again with a new therapist is very peculiar.  

I'm an introvert, so much is already in my head, so much is already analysed.  Why the need for a therapist? Because while I know mostly what needs to be addressed and implemented, I need a springboard.  I have to have someone else I can just say "I don't know" to or back off on my own thoughts and hear from a third party.  

It's one thing to resume treatment with a therapist, it's a whole other chicken to begin telling the story all over again.  It's hard not to keep my therapist in the dark, to have to lay it all out there at once.

Today hurts because I woke up with thoughts of my job being completely replaceable, nothing special.  There is little that I do at work that someone could not do better.  I fail each day that I do not get around to doing group therapy; I fail each day that I don't know exactly who needs to be reached out to on a frequent basis.

This afternoon I was reminded that the cost of being an introvert is that my best friend is about to leave for seminary in September.  I don't have many other friends that I can turn to, as I do to him.  I don't trust myself with many people.  I don't want to bog people down.  There are plenty of times I need someone, but I don't have a close-enough friend around.  But my 'needing someone' isn't what I think others expect.  I'm not going to be crying or using tissues. I'm more likely to springboard, analyze, whine a little, and sometimes I just need someone to sit with me.

Crying is something I do over the state of affairs in the World, and usually for the state of Souls, rather than over what I experience.  The things I experience in life bring anger, and hurt that tears can't fix.  If I can't find someone to hang out with tomorrow evening, I'll probably hit up the Chapel for Divine Mercy Chaplet and spend my time there.  It's been too long; He's too Good.

***

Over the past week I've had one friend say that he's likely to enter seminary in the fall, and had another leave.  All this religious life talk is helping me to see that I never addressed having to decline my acceptance to the SMMEs.  In 2009, sure there was the huge scene with my mom once she learned that I was called to religious life, but in 2010 when I had to turn the SMMEs down due to my loan situation, it passed without incident.  I informed very few people.  The wound is still open.

morning thoughts

Upon waking up, I shut off my alarm clock before it went off.  That's been the routine for a few weeks now: waking up before I have to, sometimes for a half hour or more.  Anyway, in the gray light, and noting that it wasn't raining, I reflected that I work in a career that is easily replaceable.  If I were to quit today, there'd be someone better to take my place.  It's such a contrast when the Soul cannot be replaced or repeated by another, but the body, so to speak, can.

Starting Internship

My days, already draining, are now certifiably insane.

Monday through Friday I work 8am to 2pm.  

Every Monday I have class from 5 to 6 pm in a city 45 minutes away from where I work, if traffic is good.  

Tuesday through Friday I have internship from 3 to at least 6pm.

On top of this I have Confirmation to teach every other Sunday; and find time for therapy, and personal down time.

***

The boss at the internship is like a little boy showing off a brand new toy; it's not a start-up, but they are branching out into doing substance abuse treatment in local high schools: El Monte, San Pedro, Lomita, &c.  He's very eager to show off what he's done to get the paperwork and networking with school sites into place.  He's also very sociable and extroverted, with sarcasm.  What absolutely drives me up the wall (and this just after the first day) is his lack of organization.  He's got things planned out, but the Rolodex is brand new and he doesn't regard it as a cool new tool, as I do.  While the paperwork is to the T, it's laid back, and there's no instruction on typical shorthand, what to do in regards to paperwork, etc.  I like the details, knowing all that allows my rote to kick in while my wheels whir and spin solving problems.

stinking extrovert

I'm already being made fun of for not having my planner ready today, but I will for tomorrow.  

Foot cramps are some of the most annoying things.

I'm tired as all get-out.  Friday evening into Saturday morning: sleep got worse the more that I prayed for it to come.  Saturday evening, I slept a bit better, but I still woke up 30 minutes before necessary.  I also encountered some spiritual attacks akin to September 2009.  I've since doused the room and bed in holy water, I just need to get my hands on some exorcised salt.

I learned that the blessing is gone from a Rosary if it is broken and not repaired; that it needs to be disassembled and buried.  What about when the beads on the rose petal Rosary shatter and fall off? The beads were replaced, so now what?

Bought two books on Mary today.  One is an illustrated prayer book; I am His Child, and if I need pictures to help me out, so be it.  It's terrible, trying to learn about Mary and have her be my Momma when I can scarcely figure out my own mother, how to get her to want me as me, and not as her creature.  The other is titled Mary of Nazareth, which is proving to be simply clear and informative.  No fancy words, just saying it plainly with Scripture.  Hopefully I'll find this information more human and connective.  Although there was a great book I saw in the parish bookstore a few weeks back that looks really interesting: The Life of Mary: As Seen by the Mystics. Perhaps in a few months?

Speaking with good spiritual friends recently has helped me keep my chin up.  I may be tired, sleep deprived, and not eating all three meals per day, but it will come to pass.  I spent the morning at Mass, an hour on the phone, and spent the majority of the day teaching a different class for Confirmation - they were lacking an adult leader so I got switched out.  Its neat to know that some of the difficulties I have to teaching my kids are personality differences and attitude, since the group I taught today was small, but we were all good and nice to each other.  It was different.  Not every class is like mine; that's one of many things I got out of today.

Another was the offer to spend a week in a good family home, and a good Catholic one at that.  I wish I could accept it.  I spend so much time outside of my home, just to get away that I have incurred plenty of examples of good Christian homes.  I get to know that not all parents shout and yell in arguments to the extent that you wish and wish to fly away out of the house.  I get to see people who actually show chaste affection rather than just coolness or a weird short burst of cuteness (weird - as it's out of character and only a few months per year rather than daily affection).  Perhaps one of these days.  This is one of my aims in entering therapy - wanting to learn to switch from the ways I've been taught, to the right path; otherwise I'll enter and leave religious life angry and confront people wrongly.  Subversive living is adaptive at home and it kills vocations in religious life.

How am I supposed to learn how it is to have a Mother?

Current Information of Women Religious

11-023
February 2, 2011
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
En Español

Women Entering Religious Orders Today Highly Educated, Experienced in Church Activities, Survey Finds

Newly professed class more diverse than past classes
One-quarter enter with graduate degrees
Half attended Catholic elementary school

WASHINGTON (February 2, 2011) — Women entering religious orders today are highly educated and experienced in numerous church activities, according to a national survey.

The survey report The Profession Class of 2010: Survey of Women Religious Professing Perpetual Vows was released February 2, the Church’s World Day for Consecrated Life. It was conducted by the Georgetown University-based Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) and commissioned by the U.S. bishops’ Secretariat of Clergy, Consecrated Life and Vocations. The survey was sent to sisters represented by the two conferences of religious women, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious and the Council of Major Superiors of Women Religious, as well as contemplative communities.  Respondents represented 52 religious orders. A total of 68 out of 79 sisters contacted completed the survey.  

Major findings note:

• In general, women religious of the Class of 2010 are more diverse than previously perpetually professed women religious in terms of racial and ethnic identity. Six in ten identify as white, one in five identifies as Asian, and one in ten identifies as Hispanic/Latina.
• Nearly nine in ten sisters and nuns were born Catholic and eight in ten came from families in which both parents are Catholic. 
• Half of responding women religious (51 percent) attended a Catholic elementary school. Women religious are about as likely as other U.S. Catholics to have attended a Catholic high school and much more likely to have attended a Catholic college.
• The responding women religious are highly educated. A quarter earned a graduate degree before entering their religious institute. Six in ten entered their religious institute with at least a bachelor’s degree or more. 
• Many women religious were active in parish life before entering their religious institute. Four in ten participated in a youth group and three in ten participated in a young adult group. Eighty-five percent had ministry experience before entering their religious institute, most commonly in liturgical ministry, faith formation, or social service ministry.
• Three-quarters of responding sisters and nuns regularly participated in retreats before they entered their religious institute. Two-thirds regularly prayed the Rosary and/or participated in Eucharistic Adoration. Six in ten regularly participated in a faith sharing or Bible study group and/or in regular spiritual direction.
• Nine in ten women religious (87 percent) say they were encouraged to consider religious life by someone in their life. Of those who reported that they were encouraged to consider a vocation, more than half (52 percent) say they were encouraged by a religious sister. A third were introduced to their institute through the recommendation of a priest or advisor.
• Most women religious of the Profession Class of 2010 (84 percent) participated in some type of vocation program or experience prior to entering their religious institute. Most commonly this was a “Come and See” experience or a vocation retreat.

“We are proud of the vocation, sacred commitment and service that women religious have made in the Church,” said Archbishop Robert J. Carlson of St. Louis, chairman of the Committee for Clergy, Consecrated Life and Vocations. “Making the profession of poverty, chastity and obedience is counter-cultural. It requires courage and fidelity to remain faithful to a religious vocation.  The bishops of the United States promise their prayers and support for these and future women religious in our country.”

“The report demonstrates that family life and education are significant in forming children in the spiritual life.  Many women, before entering, were active in Church and participated in spiritual exercises — especially Eucharistic Adoration, praying the Rosary and retreats.  This is a tremendous witness to the power of Christ and prayer in the Church,” said Sister Mary Joanna Ruhland, RSM, associate director of the Secretariat. “It also points to the witness of answering God’s call that religious women and priests give to young people. The personal relationship each has with Christ is fostered by the role models they see in, and encouragement they receive from, women religious and priests.”

The entire survey can be found at:  http://www.usccb.org/cl/profession-class-2010.shtml

---
Keywords: World Day for Consecrated Life, sisters, nuns, perpetual vows, profession of vows, Archbishop Robert Carlson, Sister Mary Joanna Ruhland, CARA, Leadership Conference of Women Religious, Council for Major Superiors of Women Religious, Catholic Bishops, USCCB

Spiritual Matters

I jumped head long into spiritual battle after this weekend, and like usual I was counter attacked by the third day.  It'll be a few more days before I'm back on my feet. Hopefully some down time tomorrow will help me out since I'm dragging my feet.

I saw "The Rite" this evening with friends.  It's amazing to me how people were asking, "Isn't that how it is with spiritual warfare?" in amazement and disbelief.  And I wanted to grab them by their shoulders and shake them up.  How can you profess to be such a strong Christian, and Catholic nonetheless, and not know what is spiritual warfare? What kind of spirituality are you following that you are not daily attacked by Satan?  How do you not know?  Yes, that movie depicts demonic possession, but it also depicts the progression of spiritual warfare, half-truths, and nature of Satan.  Portions of the film are Hollywood like the somber setting for Fr. Lucas' quarters, but the plagues, the screams, the voices, the hallucinations, etc are all realistic.  I think it's an as realistic depiction as will ever be coming out of Hollywood; it's the most accurate thus far.

Finally got me a therapist after not having one for about 2 years.  I think I caught him off guard with how introspective I am; how I look into the foreseeable future and know what I need to work on in my life and why.  He was a bit taken back by how forward I am with my faith as well.  He brought it up saying, "Did I say anything about faith on the site where you found my listing?" As I explained to him, he listed himself as Christian, and he then mentioned that he is Catholic.  I don't care if he's Christian or Catholic, or not at all.  It's an added bonus to be Christian, and even moreso to be Catholic.  But I'm Catholic, and I'm involved with the Church.  I'm going to talk about it.  I'm going to mention teaching Confirmation. I will be mentioning the issues at home and the hostility about the Faith I face at home.  So it's better to talk about it in the first session. It's not a special debut topic or anything.  It's as much a part of me as the color of my eyes.  If he doesn't like it, he can put it on his therapeutic back-burner.

Keep praying for me, as I'm praying for you.

im tired just plain old tired ive been wandering into work this week 15 minutes late i can't drag myself out of bed on time anymore and i know that not having had a full nights sleep since October has something to do with it i got up to 112.8lbs the last week of december and ive promptly lost the 2 that i did gain im not eating 3 meals a day, and i dont want to its like those spring days meeting up with pk for sushi, he eats and i didnt i dont always get coffee anymore which kind of is my old stand by everyday of 2004 and 2005 was doable because i had coffee i eat because i have to i eat because others expect it of me i eat since i need to work and do many many things i dont do it because i have a keen interest in it but i did pay attention to flavor tonight when i went out for sushi nearly daily headaches im not surprised but theyre not as bad as the ones in 2004 and 2005 those years are my measuring stick ive got my pride i push it too far the difference between cutting off contact between me and my mom is that ill eventually leave my cloud of anger and hurt and come down off my horse and have regret and remorse but for now im just backing off for so many reasons im tired of work its boring and it stresses me out never knowing what is going on in terms of admissions and paperwork and im really not supposed to be handling a weekly migraine and im tired

im tired and i want to be left alone i want to do my things but i cant i have to hide away at book stores or friends places i have to clean my room when i go on weekend retreats as a chaperone im tired of having to be one step ahead and instantly 3 paces behind im tired of never being able to invite friends over or talk on the phone or read a book or write a novel without scrutiny i dont want to have fights over why i cant have a full time job in addition to an internship im tired of having to find things to do to stay out of my own house until other people are around because i cant handle her i need time to myself and i cant have it since everything needs an explanation and im tired of having to lie to get alone time so i keep myself around other people and i get flak for it and im tired

i cant move out governor brown is threatening to shut down adhcs and theres one rule that was spoken once and never repeated you can move out and well still love you but you cant move back in im not ready to face the possibility of homelessness and while ive adjusted to joblessness i dont think i could handle the two at once and who determined i was stable to do so anyway i mean staying at home is not helping me emotionally psychologically or socially but financially its a boon im just like my father in terms of money squirreling it away until i feel secure

maybe ill see you on the other side of sunday

the virtue of gall

Thank you very much for your unending fountain of self-glorifying knowledge, but I am quite competent and capable in my own right!

Afternoon with a Narcissist

Oh no you did not just say that!

Mom called up job agencies, speaking for me, saying that I haven't had work since 2009.  I gave her no such permission.  Besides, I've had a job since early November.

My mother is pushing for me to get a full time job at another location.  Perhaps you would like to know that the requirements she is demanding of these locations are:

• high status
• high pay
• paid vacations
• health benefits
• 401K

In what bad economy is a fresh graduate going to be able to land a high pay ($40,000+), high status (i.e., Cedars Sinai, St Johns, etc), paid vacation (so she can continue to drag me around the world like a rag doll), health benefits (so she can quit paying for COBRA), and a retirement plan?

Not this one!

And since when do employers want to hire someone who "needs" her mommy to call and speak for them?

*

Additionally, she assumes that I am in a bad mood because I head directly to my room after getting out of work in the afternoon.  No, first I head to the bookstore to buy some non-Starbucks coffee and write for about 90 minutes; then I get home.  I go to my room because she is

• (a) incapable of being fully present to me 
• (b) incapable of just listening to how my day went honestly and without offering a solution
• (c) incapable of not making it sound like my job is difficult due to my fault [its the fault of my Program Director who's on probation]
• (d) incapable of not over-glorifying herself

When she can be real and not pushy of her "grandeur", perhaps then I will have emotional and psychological energy and need to seek her out.  Until then she'll continue to leech and make me play for 2nd place when 1st place is assumed by her delusions.

*

This evening I'll be drafting the inquiries for my internship, and writing an email to my hopefully-soon-to-be therapist.

How much narcissism am I supposed to put up with tonight?

Just told a friend on IM that it's like being second place with no one to claim first.

Everything waits on the narcissist - time, family, goals, love ...

Office Space

So, I handed over a very rough draft of NaNoWriMo 2009 over to my girlfriend so she can read & critique it.  I'm not interested in hearing about grammar and spelling errors at the moment, since so much of the actual story has to be re-written: strengthening characters, booting others out sooner (The challenge: I can't kill him this time!), re-work some of the subplots, and figure out the ending (I know, I should write with the end in mind.).  The plot is still the same, as is the premise - I just need to "play Operation with it" so to speak.  Gosh I hope that makes sense.

I'm in the process of rewriting the novel premise I started in 2008 and promptly ditched for NaNo 2009, and which became NaNo 2010 by default.  I added two additional opening chapters to this one, and so far, it cuts out the need for the original's first four chapters, which sounds bad.  However considering that 22 chapters in I wasn't even close to the climax of the original draft, I've got plenty of room in my playground.  I think I'm pacing things correctly in the timeline ... trying to keep it from going insane.

I'm working on finding a therapist, and I think I've narrowed it down to one.  Now all I need is the nerve to call and make my first appointment.  Just because it's my profession, doesn't make it any easier to make the calls or sit in waiting rooms.

Bought a bright orange flowering plant and stuck it in a lime green container.  I feel it's just snarky enough for the office.  Boss man made comments on how long I worked today: until 4pm.  I'm helping to keep his business open, but not sure how long I can hold the sarcasm back.

Recall the old adage of "tell no one or tell everyone"?  The internet has a way of telling everyone for you, whether you want that to be the case or not.

 

In my profile page on Facebook, Xanga, and here on Blogger, it's fairly well known that I've gone to school to get my Master, and if you read enough posts, that it's in Social Work.

 

Fairly early on in Xanga I was sent messagesby online & personal friends who knew I didn't mind honoring some requests for help; others would just message.  Now, I'm getting emails from one particular person, and I want to put it out there for everyone to see, for all to know.  Let us all be on the same page, cast out confusion.

 

If you contact me, I'll do what I can to help you out and find resources.  In short, I act like a case manager or on-call social worker.  If you call my cell phone (and miraculously get through despite the fact I don't have cellular signal at home) I'll spend time with you.  I can, and will counsel in an emergency, but you can expect me to start figuring out where you live and your current location - as I am not unacquainted with calling across county or state lines.

 

However, there are limits to this openess.  Last August I cut a friend off because he took the "I'll be there for you when you need it" and took it to mean that I would ssit on the phone and listen to him verbally abuse me during his drunken rages. That is not what is meant.  If you wonder where our friendship is now - it is no more.  "Nevermore" cried Poe's crow.

 

And if there's a wonder - I'm like every other staunch traditional Catholic: natural birth to natural death.

 

 

Brown Proposes Closure of ADHC

Date: 01-25-2011

 

 

 

Oppose ADHC Closure

 

I'm asking you to oppose the proposed closure of ADHCs in California, as presented by the Governor for the following reasons:

 

• Closing ADHCs (Adult Day Health Centers) would cost $51million more than it would save taxpayers.
• The current 12.4% unemployment rate in California would increase.
• The adults served by ADHCs are selected by the state to have services rendered that prevent institutionalization.
• The nursing, physical and occupational services provided in ADHCs allow the elderly adults to maintain their mobility, mental acuity, and independence.
• Nursing services prevent the overcrowding of emergency rooms and Primary Care Physicians are better able to delegate and manage their patients' needs with nurses monitoring health parameters.
• Social services rendered provide mental health screening, and case management, and provide legal advocacy and protection of this vulnerable population.
• Provide opportunities for socialization, friendships, and exposure to others in their generation.

 

It would be wise to maintain ADHCs in California, just to maintain the status of the current aging population.  However, the real reason you should keep ADHCs in California is that the number of elderly will increase as the Baby Boomer cohort ages.  I'm sure you have heard how ornery these newer elderly are, and if you think they will be content to sit at home isolated due to decreased physical mobility, relying on Access Transportation, and socially marginalized, I can wholeheartedly assure you they are not!  Having ADHCs already established in the community will be of more benefit, rather than having to re-open centers, train inexperienced staff, and create new networks in a community.

 

Sincerely,

 

 

Megan Singer MSW

 

El Camino Adult Day Health Care Center

15429 Crenshaw Blvd., Suite D.

Gardena, CA 90249

Ph: 301.679.7624   Fax: 310.679.6346

"boys will be boys"?

Listen, you Canadian twit!  I don't care how many times or different ways you tell me that "I really like you."

 Guess what?!? I don't care.  Take your lolly-gagging elsewhere.  And mop up your drool on your way out!

Paperwork

Yesterday was interesting at work.  I was very busy.  The moment that sticks out is that in one of the suspected abuse situations that arose, I was the one figuring out all the different contingencies.  Everyone was able to think of the main three, and I thought of the fourth one.  The program director just looked at me when I mentioned it - like it had suddenly gotten too complicated for her.

 

I feel that it should have been among the first contingencies to be thought - *shrugs*

 

- - -

 

As for writing I spent yesterday writing one sentence, and spent Wednesday re-writing half of a whole scene.  Someone thought it was odd the way I phrase that.  I'm trying to imbue the scenario with more tension and ... erm, not disgust but something like that.

 

I'm still interested in gaining some new writing prompts, so don't hold out on me!

--

Faith lives on things that are most dark, just as hope lives best on the elements of despair.  -- Blessed Nivard, OSB Cist.

Photos for January 15 2011

 Navy blue flowers

 either Paper white Narcissus or Daffodil

 Japanese Apricot in bloom

 Pass the While

 Star Magnolia

More Photos from January 1st

 Pt Vincente Lighthouse

 CA poppy

 Looking a bit Northerly

 Me, the path, and yeah

 Itty Bitty

 Firecracker flower

It's not a B&W; just really fuzzy.

gouging the market

After yesterday's comment from my girlfriend -- I think I'm bummed out today.  I spent my entire day completing the 6 month assessment for a client: interviewing him, calling his board & care, writing up treatment plans and goals, and notifying nursing about developments in his condition.  You see, he's schizophrenic.  And I'm just amazed that people would be kinder to him because "he can't control it" and then can turn around in the same breath and say, "but you can."

It can be lonely, mostly I just try to pass, in the sociological sense.  Can't imagine it would be difficult for others to see why, we now gather in our little meetups or have our own blogs (yeah, that would be my 5th).

It's on my mind because of yesterday, and then today one of the treatment centers in LA County sent out it's bi/tri/quad-annual e-newsletter, only to rub in the fact that their individual therapy sessions are egregiously expensive, which they can charge because they are the specialists in the ares; leaving the rest of us out in the cold.  This sector of my profession also disgusts me -- charging a lot not because of their experience or knowledge, but because they know there's no one else.  So, you're either going to go around with the label of "freak" or you'll bend over backwards to pay their $140/session fee.

Thanks, but chewing through a pack of gum per day when it gets really bad is still cheaper than your so-called sliding scale.

Always knew there was a reason for the cross-town rivalry, and, you, you just add to it.

Snarky

Professor, you have nerve.  I'll give you that and not another inch more.  You said on the last day of class that you would post your grades ASAP, and now we're five days into the new year and all other grades have been posted, and yours are not.

When I asked how that could be, you told me that I was being inappropriate.

Let's look at this: you said that you would post ASAP, even Prof R is up before you, and I call you out on it?  I'm inappropriate?!?  Did I promise what could not be delivered?

That's what I thought.

But ignore me; scold me in an email if you must.  I'm just a snarky student who must be reminded of her place so that you can feel that you are the epitome of knowledge.  Perhaps if you were at UCLA or USC, Stanford, etc.  You're at a community college.  I didn't read your book all semester long and I got an A.  You're not so tough.  I think you know it.

Don't Look Now But Your Ignorance Is Showing

Girlfriend can call me a freak all she wants, but I won't play tit-for-tat.  It's petty, and I'm tired of that crap.  When you've had a disorder for more than 15 years that psychology still doesn't fully understand, doesn't study, and then has the nerve to demand clients educate their therapists about it, well, maybe you just sort of let it go; let it roll off your back.  Heck, I'm fully functional, and you wouldn't know it unless I told you.  And you still don't know it, do you?

Needing Inspiration

My girlfriend's husband had the first draft of her novel professionally printed and bound, as a gift for Christmas.  It's a rocking 363 pages and I read the first 8 chapters this evening between 4:30 and 10:30pm.  Not exactly speed reading, but the chapters are dense.

It's time I actually finish one of my three works-in-progress (WIP).  I've got NaNo09, AugNo09, and NaNo10 to work on.  NaNo09, I kid you not, is hidden under the mattress, since my mother found it last summer and "read" one scene and has since made wild accusations (like usual).  I'm not bothering to correct her.  AugNo09 is back story for one of my characters in NaNo09, since he was too flat.  NaNo10 is actually a re-drafting of a novel I started before NaNo09.

This is the banner for NaNo 2009:

The Banner for NaNo 2010:

I am playing around with different ideas: (a) shifting temporarily the focus of this blog, (b) shutting down the wordpress and (c) using my professional email to start a writing blogspot, or (d) putting my work on Xanga and thereby shifting the entire focus of that blog.

I like the Wordpress since it gets different traffic, but it doesn't have the instant built-in community setting of Xanga, nor am I able to protect my writing from copycats.  I could shut down the Wordpress and open a defunct blog on my other email just for writing purposes and have it readable by invite-only which is only slightly less controlled than Xanga.  I could, lastly shift the focus of my current Xanga blog to writing.

I'm babbling.