Wednesday, August 16, 2006

I think I have made myself somewhat miserable over the past few days. Not all of it is my fault, but I can't really do much than think of how unworthy I am of all that God had done for me, least of all His holy sacrifice.

This guy/man at work likes me; I need to find a way to tell him that we can only be friends. I want to belong solely to God.

This sense of wanting to belong only to God, is what I want, and I don't know if it is what God wants of me. There is a difference in that that I percieve, but in an email with a Sister about discernment she told me that what I really want for myself, is also what God wants of me. I don't know about that; there is so much in this world that we want for ourselves that God does not will for us. Sure, this is not of the world, but how am I to know if I am not fleeing from duties that God has planned for me?

How am I to do this without familial support? I know I dwell on this so much, that I complain and bemoan it so much. Its so crucial. But I haven't told them. I just know that my family doesn't support me by two things they've done: (1) ignore the man in the family who did become a priest, and (2) make derisive comments and insults at those I know who have given their life to God. I too, merit those comments, although they don't know that. It's very hurtful.

But there is so much else that I don't have full support for, that it should be second nature by now. Oh, they financially support me and all that jazz, but in the ways that my parents persist that I pursue a BA in business or managament to this very day, the eve of my graduation (May 2007) in psychology and sociology says otherwise.

Even my hobbies and personal quirks they do not like. I already know all the arguments that they will lobby at me.

Perhaps I should move out, the Lord knows how dearly I've always wanted to escape.

*shrugs it off*