little miss sunshine

my thoughts don't feel safe to share. the less i dwell, the less 'i feed the animals' the less it claws and tears at me
          gloom 'n' doom. self pity is hell. no wonder i dont explore it very often. reality
i'll keep myself as safe as possible. i'll try to drive the speed limit. i'll try to eat. i'll try not to cut

If you want/need a promise, I'll give you what we did in school social work:


The 3+ people I promise to call: Eman, Lisa, and anyone else who'll listen & my most recent former therapist
I promise not to kill myself.  I will try my best not to hurt myself (i.e., cutting) but don't feel safe/able to ensure my word at this time.  If I start thinking of hurting myself in a grayish area between self-injury & suicide I will hand over my booze, migraine medication, PMS meds, excedrin OTCs and Alieve over to a trusted friend for at least one week; along with all my sharp objects (nail cutters, scissors, sewing pins & needles, metal emery board, hand mirrors, and anything else I find a temptation).  I will avail myself to counseling services on campus; may even return to my most recent ex-therapist in Huntington.  If I feel like I'm going to break my promise, I'll find the cop who stands 24/7 sentry at the Hawthorne cliffs and submit to a 5150 (that's what he's there for; that's why people go to the Hawthorne cliffs).



Re-post from March 3, 2010

For me, it's better to feel physical pain than the emotional pain.  I can only handle so much emotional pain in my life, and it triggers memories, which only add to the pain.  So, while others self harm to release pain, I do it to feel a type of pain that has an observable, curable cause.  Emotional pain will always be there, always there under the surface waiting for some one, thing, event to dredge it all up again.  But physical pain, it gets healed and goes away; it is forgotten.

And for the people out there who think self injury is a suicidal gesture, that's not true; you need to go read more psychological literature.  Besides, if I really wanted to kill myself, I've already had 5 depressive episodes in the past 12 years.  I've had my chance, I never took it.

my reasons:

I feel selfish

I always take and never give

I have nothing to offer, especially God

If I have anything to give, it's something that God has already given to me.  I can't claim anything as truly my own.

I never add up

She will never love me

She will never see me as a separate entity, worthy of dreams and desires and wants, etc apart from herself

I never fulfill half the obligations I say I'll do for other people; including prayer

I'm a hypocrite

I constantly fail

I'm tired of failing

I'm tired of not adding up

I'm a bitch

I'm all sorts of messed up

I don't want to meet back up with my therapist

I don't want to have to be honest with my therapist; the last one stabbed me in the back

I'm tired of meeting expectations that are not my own

I'm tired of being unemployed

I'm tired of hiding

I'm tired of her never having remorse

Since I constantly fail, why don't you just give me Hell since I already live it

I have so much crap going on in my life I can't hear God

I hate hearing about my 'worth'; it's painful

I'm tired of having migraines and tension headaches

I'm tired of missing events to make sure she maintains boundaries

I'm tired of hiding books, prayer cards, and prayer journals as though they are contraband

Why do I have to take care of her?

Why do I have to walk on egg shells to make her happy, but she can stomp all over me?

Why am I invisible?

I'm tired of being constantly reminded of how I cause problems

I'm tired of being constantly talked to as though I'm a child when I'm her adult child

Why does she get to act like she is 5 years old?

I hate recieving praise and compliments because I don't know what to do with them.

I'm supposed to be entering the convent, but God won't even give me a f-ing job to enable me to fulfill His will.

I have to lie about where I go for church

I have to make excuses for dressing modestly (but prettily)

I can't cry - my emotions take a back seat to hers

I can't be angry at her; I'm supposed to be understanding due to my education and training as a counselor

I'm supposed to provide information but I cannot appear to be intelligent in the matter

I can't upstage her (i.e., cooking, sewing, intellect, etc)

Tired of living under the unspoken rule of "I'll love you when you do ____."

If I try to be my own separate self, its self defeatist

I'm not "up to snuff"

Tired of having to second guess whether something is done simply to be nice or has a motive behind it for later use

[may add more later]

there - all out in the open. now, run for the hills

Jungian Shadow Function

At some point during this past summer, my attention turned to Jungian psychology.  I’ve spent the greater part of the last 7 years in libraries, reading some awesome albeit stretching-the-subject theories on human behavior.  I’ve read studies on everything from economics of behavior to jury selection, from the impact of racially segregated neighborhoods, to cohabitation’s role in divorce.  It’s been interesting.  Between all these different interests, I really developed a liking for social psychology tied in with rational economics; I could never wrap my head around statistics.  Research and any pursuit of a PhD were automatically out.  I remember coming across Jung’s works, standing next to Freud; leather and fabric bindings falling off and tattered.  I liked those books because they smell good.  I love the smell of old books.  But I would pick the volumes up, leaf through it and put it back down. never quite being fully grabbed into the material.  I liked Jung’s exploration of the spirit and soul, and imagination; the things that seem to make us human versus animal.  

I never associated Jung with Myers-Brigg; something led me to cross that line over the summer.  I revel in my personality type; I am reading up on the development of the MBTI, and the different types.  My 'type' not only helps me to see why people don’t like me, and explains so much about why I am serious and am off-putting.  It also allows me the freedom to figure out my strengths, to stretch the possibilities.  Perhaps a precursor to this is the VIA strengths test that was derived from Seligman[i].  However these are character strengths, and in the four years since I was introduced to this material I’ve learned that these aspects of my character are non-negotiable; these are things I choose to make valuable in my life.  On the other hand, personality – its not know for certain at what age it’s fully formed, or if its fluid.  At any rate, it’s given me pause to remember why certain things happened the way they did.

Jung also decided to see Freud’s negative view of the inner mind and made it the playground of philosophy, religion and/or mythology, and symbolic imagination.  As if its not enough to take (and retake: reliability) the MBTI, Jung gave us the shadow functions: the ones that come out to play when you’re everything that you should not be.  When the Introvert spills his emotional guts, with the Perceiver suddenly starts drawing up to do lists and time management tables.  These are the exact reversal of what we typically are and they’re there when we are stressed more than usual.

It’s not a secret that I’m an introvert, so I’m easily pliable when I’m stressed out.  People get more of a response from me than they would otherwise.  The first instance from the past month alone would be when I had two exams back-to-back; if I was asked a personal question I answered it without a second thought.  The thing with the shadow functions is they are the “what’s bad about” or negative aspects of the opposing type.  I’ll act more extroverted, but in all the wrong ways: saying things I shouldn’t; let the negativity just hang out.  Some types are by nature more free-wheeling or spontaneous; if it’s a shadow function, it’s like an impulse control disorder gone wrong – more likely to pick fights, there’s no mental filter when speaking; behaviorally it can resemble a manic episode (speeding, anyone?).  One of my shadow functions is to focus on the worst-case scenario, or the negative possibilities; I’ll try to reach out and interact with people (Extrovert), but due to the impulsivity it goes fairly badly, I’ll get to the point where I wish others could get into my head the way I usually get involved with my own thoughts when not swayed by the shadow.  Yet, my I(ntroversion) blocks that pathway against all odds; like asking someone to enter my world with a 6 foot ladder to scale a mile high barricade.  Or I don’t chase down the next project: in turning off my thoughts and introversion to just watch television (when I’ll typically write a paper and watch a show simultaneously), or buy something on impulse (a candy bar, an extra yard of fabric, or like last week, 100 tea lights).  At the core, Jung treats the shadow as the natural instinct; usually recognized as Freud’s id, which is where the similarity ends.  The shadow contains the part of us we keep hidden away, its our instinct, our negativity, our evil, although it’s actually amoral.  One’s shadow isn’t determined by natural law, its just our opposing feature: it looks unnatural and evil because it’s the contrast of what we perceive to be good in ourselves.

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[i] 1^st: spirituality, sense of purpose & faith (shape actions, source of comfort), 2^nd: curiosity & interest in the world (nearly all topics are fascinating), 3^rd: gratitude (don’t take for granted the good things), 4^th:  judgment, critical thinking & open-mindedness (examine all aspects, able to change mind), 5^th: appreciation of beauty & excellence (skilled performance)

*sources: One Two Three Four Five (not disclosing the forum) 

Analysis

I can see how what I said a week ago can be a point of contention.  At some point in a convoluted discussion among several students and the professor I had made the comment that sometimes students may know more than a professor; the one at the bottom of the totem pole may have a better grasp on the matter than the one at the top.  Naturally, that can be upsetting to some people if they do not let the other possibilities come to mind.  However I had not expected to be called out on it this evening.

Professor comes up to me before the session began and said, “What was it you said last week? That the intern knows more than the supervisor?”  I countered with, “Well, I didn’t say it like that.  I can’t recall exactly.  Why?”  I hedged.  He’s defensive; getting into my full line of vision, dominating the physical and social space around me.   Plus, I would like to get the full context of the matter again – what exactly was it that I had said that put him on the defensive?  Was he interpreting it in a different manner than I had perceived myself as stating it?  He did not offer clarification.  He’s trying to establish order, and I can only assume that he feels that I am questioning his judgment, knowledge and experience in the field.  I did not have the opportunity because he took the pause in my words (when I’m still thinking and reflecting to come up with a response!!) to say “I’ve never had an intern that knew more than me.  It doesn’t work that way.”

Well let me tell you what does work that way.  He comes from the psychoanalytical Freudian training and paradigm.  From what has been mentioned in class he does stand behind the current paradigm of EBP (evidence-based practice) and a slight eclectic mix of other modern theories and perspectives.  However, what I had insinuated with my comment last week, and I was unable to defend, is that other fields and professions have their own perspectives and paradigms.  I’m very EBP, along with multisystemic theory, systems theory, positive psychology, empowerment and the strengths perspective.  I move within these with a lot of ease.  I see things from many perspectives; many facets.  A student or an intern may not know or comprehend more, but understand a different view or facet.  A student can appear to know more than a professor because they are not caged in the paradigm.

Professor is focused on tradition and principles, and often makes statements that draw attention to “how things should be done, and are done.”  He’s mentioned that therapeutic practices are not to differ from what everyone else is doing; well, Rogers and others broke away from the behavioralists.  Rogers disagreed that people were merely functioning on conditioning (classical, intermittent, interval & ratio), and formulated the humanistic approach that incorporated emotions and reactions; a further extension from Rogers was existential psychology.  Sometimes there has to be people who break away from the norm, the “way it has to be done” in order for there to be growth.  For my Professor, principles are not rules; rules may be broken but not principles.  I understand the concept, but support it only so far, as can be noted.

On several occasions he has stressed the appropriate need for joining professional organizations.  He has pushed local, state and national organizations.  The class he is teaching is one of the introductory courses, yet he pushes this need to professionally belong more than any of the other professors in the program.  Belonging-ness: making sure that students are not put off by him, always making nice.  At times, appearing more as a comedian than a serious professor; he’s ingratiating himself: he has to belong. 

ESTJ
2^nd interesting link (has a spot-on humanized description) 
Kiersey's Typology

Midterms

Next Tuesday I have a midterm exam that will give a case vingette and I will have to apply:

1. social systems theory
2. ecological perspectives theory
3. psychoanalytic theory
4. ego psychology
5. object relations theory
6. attachment theory

I am well versed in attachment theory, but I do need to brush up on it. I have been working on Object relations theory all day, and I have about 5 pages of typed notes thus far. I have further to go. However I really do dread the aspect of ego psychology and psychoanalytic theory.

Next Thursday I have a policy paper where I have to apply AB 490 to my field practicum. Easy enough, I'm just frustrated with my lack of resources - I'm so used to have too many references and citations that I feel rather lost on how to start this paper (I love literature reviews in journal articles).

Here's what object relations is (briefly, I promise!):

OBJECT RELATIONS is the process of internalizing the images of objects and understanding the impact this has on personality and interpersonal relationships. In other words, an infant internalizes the mother as a "good object" or a "bad object" (ie, good/bad breast), and then uses the internalized construct of the object to inform further relationships and personality.

Contemporary Object Relations“Object relations theory describes internal mental representations of relationships between self and other rather than actual external interpersonal relationships” (Applegate). The theory cannot ignore the importance of process and context. Two patterns emerge from the intrapsychic reality of process and experience: self-representations and object-representations; these are later formed into enduring relationships.Child must internalize the self and have reliable caregivers to allow the child to feel secure when the primary caregiver is absent. Object relations impacted by culture, family formation, race and ethnicity, and child rearing practices; may remove one or more particular of object relations theory (ie, transitional objects or separation anxiety).

Spitz thought that infants develop these pathologies from psychic disruptions in critical periods. Normally, infants are ambivalent towards the mother/object upon realizing that the bad object and good object are one entity; this unifying of the libidinal object is fusion, the lack of fusion leads to pathology.

On the other hand, Margaret Mahler worked with psychotic and autistic children. She rephrases object relations as the way an infant’s basic ego organizes during the first 3.5 years of life. Infant has to differentiate between the self and the (m)other (ie, “me” and “not me”).

ad infinitum (correct?)

An update

I just had a post disappear. That's something new for me here on Blogspot, although I've had it occur at Xanga.

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Psychology was on my mind a lot yesterday. I keep interviewing with psychology oriented field recruiters: LCSWs. PhD, MFTs, etc. I can't help but feel that they are psyching me out, and all the while I'm trying to psych them out. Make sense? That's more along the lines of funny and awkward, whereas, each encounter always wants to know if I've ever had to handle a crisis situation, and the only one that I was proactive with was Rachel/Hershey.

Thinking about Rachel invariably brings back the months after I left the Local Church. Rachel's situation was entangled with mine, with me being the main contact point and friend for Rachel, and later she became my pathway into more negativity than I had cause to lead myself into. For as messed up as the two of us were together, we helped each other as well. I can only see Rachel as the only "crisis" I've ever had to handle, because I certainly did not handle myself. Some of you here on Xanga, certainly did so for me. I'm probably your "crisis"? Albeit, it was over the internet and those who remember were at least a couple 1,000 miles away.

Therefore I've been too introspective the last few days, in such a way that yesterday when I had spanish class I had trouble switching gears, and everything was a giggle fest. A girl/woman I like talking to in the class, Debra, told me my face had flushed as well. The spanish reflexives were giving me trouble, and I was thinking all the while how I would write my brief personal history and self description for the job application to the internship I interviewed for on Tuesday.

The internship is with a group called Outreach Concern, Inc., which puts interns like myself into an elementary or high school setting where I would see kids during an 8:30 am to 2:30 pm school day and counsel them. Then I would have a support team of other interns was well as an on-site supervisor and a weekly meeting with a clinician to make sure I'm not doing anything drastically wrong. I have agreed to do one day per week (Fridays) at a hopefully Catholic school in Long Beach near Cal State Dominguez Hills. The field recruiter asked if I had any problems working at a Catholic school (my medals of St Benedict & the Blessed Virgin were hidden beneath my blouse for the sake of Equal Opportunity Employment) and I said no. He said that the Sister (he said Nun, but we know that's the wrong term!) was "very proper and set in her ways. I smiled and said that would not be a problem at all. Personally I wonder what order she is, and if I've met her at the Vocation retreat in late January, or if I've sent her community a vocation letter yet. LOL Outreach is non-profit, and the reason they are available at Catholic schools is because they were recently taken under the wing of Cardinal Mahoney's Catholic Charities. (Why do I keep interviewing with people under the Mahoney's pet projects??) Nonetheless, I am looking forward to working with Outreach.

I'm going to post the personal history blurb I've written in Protected, and maybe some of you can give me pointers/proofread? I've tried to think of how to say that I've never be in material need, but I have struggled with my own issues and conflicts, to perhaps show that I can relate to the kids I'll be counseling. I also have to have a self-description which I'll put in the same Protected post.

JoAnn's is going nowhere. At Old Navy, I was trained to do everything, and at JoAnn's that translates to job responsibilities that are at the managerial level (ie, returns, exchanges, crediting credit cards, etc). Yet, I'm relinquished to the level of the baby, and cannot do returns. Excuse my momentary frustration, at being realy cheap hire for them. I'm a college graduate and I don't get paid more than 8 bucks an hour, gotta be kidding me! They haven't had me work since Sunday. I'm available for immediate hire, and they hired me, but they won't put me to work. I thought people get hired because the company needs someone to be working for them soon, to fill a void. Yet, I don't have a single day scheduled?!? Tell me, please, am I off-base here?

In the meantime, I am still looking for other jobs and also need to find time to get fingerprinted, again, for Outreach. The Attorney General's office, like any other bureaucratic system is too tangled for me to just request a transfer form to send the fingerprint scan results from Didi Hirsch over to Outreach Concern. Grr. It is just much easier to avoid the bureaucracy and just get fingerprinted all over again. LiveScan is kinda cool, though.

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Box.net has been updated, so you can see all the things I've written, although they are just undergraduate research papers. Some are on assigned topics, others were chosen by me.