Thursday, February 3, 2011

im tired just plain old tired ive been wandering into work this week 15 minutes late i can't drag myself out of bed on time anymore and i know that not having had a full nights sleep since October has something to do with it i got up to 112.8lbs the last week of december and ive promptly lost the 2 that i did gain im not eating 3 meals a day, and i dont want to its like those spring days meeting up with pk for sushi, he eats and i didnt i dont always get coffee anymore which kind of is my old stand by everyday of 2004 and 2005 was doable because i had coffee i eat because i have to i eat because others expect it of me i eat since i need to work and do many many things i dont do it because i have a keen interest in it but i did pay attention to flavor tonight when i went out for sushi nearly daily headaches im not surprised but theyre not as bad as the ones in 2004 and 2005 those years are my measuring stick ive got my pride i push it too far the difference between cutting off contact between me and my mom is that ill eventually leave my cloud of anger and hurt and come down off my horse and have regret and remorse but for now im just backing off for so many reasons im tired of work its boring and it stresses me out never knowing what is going on in terms of admissions and paperwork and im really not supposed to be handling a weekly migraine and im tired

im tired and i want to be left alone i want to do my things but i cant i have to hide away at book stores or friends places i have to clean my room when i go on weekend retreats as a chaperone im tired of having to be one step ahead and instantly 3 paces behind im tired of never being able to invite friends over or talk on the phone or read a book or write a novel without scrutiny i dont want to have fights over why i cant have a full time job in addition to an internship im tired of having to find things to do to stay out of my own house until other people are around because i cant handle her i need time to myself and i cant have it since everything needs an explanation and im tired of having to lie to get alone time so i keep myself around other people and i get flak for it and im tired

i cant move out governor brown is threatening to shut down adhcs and theres one rule that was spoken once and never repeated you can move out and well still love you but you cant move back in im not ready to face the possibility of homelessness and while ive adjusted to joblessness i dont think i could handle the two at once and who determined i was stable to do so anyway i mean staying at home is not helping me emotionally psychologically or socially but financially its a boon im just like my father in terms of money squirreling it away until i feel secure

maybe ill see you on the other side of sunday

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

the virtue of gall

Thank you very much for your unending fountain of self-glorifying knowledge, but I am quite competent and capable in my own right!

Afternoon with a Narcissist

Oh no you did not just say that!

Mom called up job agencies, speaking for me, saying that I haven't had work since 2009.  I gave her no such permission.  Besides, I've had a job since early November.

My mother is pushing for me to get a full time job at another location.  Perhaps you would like to know that the requirements she is demanding of these locations are:
  • high status
  • high pay
  • paid vacations
  • health benefits
  • 401K
In what bad economy is a fresh graduate going to be able to land a high pay ($40,000+), high status (i.e., Cedars Sinai, St Johns, etc), paid vacation (so she can continue to drag me around the world like a rag doll), health benefits (so she can quit paying for COBRA), and a retirement plan?

Not this one!

And since when do employers want to hire someone who "needs" her mommy to call and speak for them?


Additionally, she assumes that I am in a bad mood because I head directly to my room after getting out of work in the afternoon.  No, first I head to the bookstore to buy some non-Starbucks coffee and write for about 90 minutes; then I get home.  I go to my room because she is
  • (a) incapable of being fully present to me 
  • (b) incapable of just listening to how my day went honestly and without offering a solution
  • (c) incapable of not making it sound like my job is difficult due to my fault [its the fault of my Program Director who's on probation]
  • (d) incapable of not over-glorifying herself
When she can be real and not pushy of her "grandeur", perhaps then I will have emotional and psychological energy and need to seek her out.  Until then she'll continue to leech and make me play for 2nd place when 1st place is assumed by her delusions.


This evening I'll be drafting the inquiries for my internship, and writing an email to my hopefully-soon-to-be therapist.

Monday, January 31, 2011

How much narcissism am I supposed to put up with tonight?

Just told a friend on IM that it's like being second place with no one to claim first.

Everything waits on the narcissist - time, family, goals, love ...

Office Space

So, I handed over a very rough draft of NaNoWriMo 2009 over to my girlfriend so she can read & critique it.  I'm not interested in hearing about grammar and spelling errors at the moment, since so much of the actual story has to be re-written: strengthening characters, booting others out sooner (The challenge: I can't kill him this time!), re-work some of the subplots, and figure out the ending (I know, I should write with the end in mind.).  The plot is still the same, as is the premise - I just need to "play Operation with it" so to speak.  Gosh I hope that makes sense.

I'm in the process of rewriting the novel premise I started in 2008 and promptly ditched for NaNo 2009, and which became NaNo 2010 by default.  I added two additional opening chapters to this one, and so far, it cuts out the need for the original's first four chapters, which sounds bad.  However considering that 22 chapters in I wasn't even close to the climax of the original draft, I've got plenty of room in my playground.  I think I'm pacing things correctly in the timeline ... trying to keep it from going insane.

I'm working on finding a therapist, and I think I've narrowed it down to one.  Now all I need is the nerve to call and make my first appointment.  Just because it's my profession, doesn't make it any easier to make the calls or sit in waiting rooms.

Bought a bright orange flowering plant and stuck it in a lime green container.  I feel it's just snarky enough for the office.  Boss man made comments on how long I worked today: until 4pm.  I'm helping to keep his business open, but not sure how long I can hold the sarcasm back.