Saturday, February 26, 2011


The day was nice.  Sunny and breezy in the South bay.  Driving into Burbank it was omnimus dark clouds, which turned out to bring us awesome hail at El Porto's by 1pm and snow by 5pm.  Flipping awesome.  Probably the only time all day that I had a genuine smile on my face.  Bought some red suede high heels, and some cute earrings (things I actually needed: red, pink & gray pairs).

But I warned my girlfriend Mary pretty well. I said "Little Miss Sunshine is a bit more gloomy recently." And I carried along a long-standing joke about Zoloft.

I've had more coffee today, than I think most people would think wise.  Let me tell you, I could go around with a literal IV coffee drip, and I would still be tired.  I'm tired of being tired.  And I kind of want to enjoy eating, rather than feeling pressured to eat.

Such is life.

Want to leave you with this quote:
Psychology tends to be solar, wanting to bring all things to light, to overcome the darkness and make everything manageable.  It wants to banish darkness with any means at its disposal.  But no one wants such a harsh cleansing and brightening.  It would be better to be deepened and darkened by an experience of the night.  You would then become more complex, more interesting, less one-dimensional.
You can see that the point of staying in the dark is not to trick it into making you brilliant and germ-free, but to make you a more interesting person and to give you a more fascinating life.  In therapeutic times like ours, these goals may seem odd. But they are ultimately  more humane.  Rather than giving you a spotless, well-adjusted personality, they give you substance.  You become a person worth knowing, worth listening to, and worth loving, in all your dimensions. 
-- Dark Nights of the Soul, Thomas More, pg 51 

Friday, February 25, 2011


This shouldn't be new information to you at this point: I'm tired.

Dragged myself out of bad this morning, running late.  Getting into work, I sat at my desk literally sat still for 5 minutes trying to think of what to do.  It's not for a lack of work, but for too much.  I'm behind in my IPCs, haven't ran a single group session, behind on my quarterly notes.

The other social worker is saying things like "Let's go eat" and my visceral reaction is "no thanks" because I've gone from "being too stressed to eat" to having no appetite whatsoever.  For example, I was watching television this afternoon with a girlfriend and a KFC commercial aired.  I wanted to buy a bucket, for a split second, to see if the pieces actually looked like the image, but not out of interest in the scent, flavor, or sustenance.  I take extra hot showers just to chase away the cold.

For the past two weeks my back pain went away.  It's returned.  I can't sit, stand, or lay in any comfortable position, and the same goes for my neck and shoulders.  The pain is stress related, I carry all my stress psychosomatically.

And if anyone's reading this and flipping out, the conversation I had with my girlfriend this afternoon is telling.  I said that I think I might be headed straight into depression.  I'm not surprised by it.  For all the damaging things I do to myself (I consider not eating self injurious behavior), I'll never kill myself.   For those who say "never say never" let me make something clear.  If this is indeed a depressive episode, it will be my sixth.  I've had darker, more dangerous episodes than anything I could be experiencing now.  I didn't attempt anything then, and won't be doing so now.  If I act out, well, what can I say? I have done so in the past and may well do so in the future.

I've got therapy tomorrow at 10am.  Afterwards I'll be going shopping with the girls, and dinner, and possibly a bar. Right now, I'm going to try to get more than 5 hours of sleep, like I did last night.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

money & family

If you ask me to tell my friend about the couches your boyfriend is selling, guess what? I'm not responsible for babysitting my friend and checking to see if she got the email.  I'm also not responsible for seeing if she is interested.  She is an adult and is responsible for calling your boyfriend to say "yes, I'm interested" or "no I'm not, find another buyer."

Not planning on setting up family & friends again for buying/selling any thing.


6 hours at work, 1 hour on the road from point a to b, and 5 hours at internship = 12 hour days.  Every Thursday will be like this.  To think people go around telling me that they want to emulate that schedule.  Ugh.  Seriously?  I guess it might not be so grueling if I were to have some normal sleep, play, and eating patterns.


Oh, on the work front.  Heh.  I cannot cash my paycheck.  I needed the check on Monday so that I could cash it and send a check out for a retreat I wanted to do (the drama unfolded on Facebook) March 5th.  But I got the check on Wednesday (nearly a month on one paycheck; the first was on the 7th), and it couldn't be cashed on Wednesday & I was late to internship as a result.  I tried again today, and there's still not enough money in the ADHC business account for me to get paid.

I had told my boss on Wednesday that I needed the check.  I need more than the paper of the check.  I need the money it represents.  Because he cannot get his finances together, I lost the one day I've been looking forward to for weeks that I could actually justify as a retreat and a day to emotionally and spiritually take care of myself.  Not any more.  Well, I guess I do have that 1 hour set aside for therapy on Saturdays that I was going to postpone next week.  yay

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I feel miserable.  I'm exhausted, but just like the previous nights, if I try to go to sleep I just lay awake.  Might as well make the most of it and complete IPCs (Individual Plans of Care) for work and plan therapy sessions for internship.  Ate only one meal all day.

Keep hitting brick walls: my boss overlooks me (literally ignores me); tells me that if I don't attend political rallies to keep ADHCs open, that I don't value my job; makes comments about whether I'm ready for the unemployment line.  I'm still completing re-assessments, and didn't get the list of quarterly progress notes until yesterday, and these all have to be completed by the 28th (and no, we're not open on weekends).  I asked the translator if he could help me with a final assessment today, and since he didn't get his paycheck he ignored me as well: walked right past me and didn't heed my request.  Program Director saw it all and she didn't do any thing.  I got my pay check today (we're supposed to be paid on the 5th and 20th of each month), and the boss doesn't have enough funds in the business account for me to cash my check.

If I can't cash the check, I can't go on something I've been wanting to do on the 5th of March.  I need to cash my check and write a check for the one-day retreat.  I need some time to myself and I might not get it without cashing the check.


Thursdays are going to be my busiest days: work 8-2, internship 3-7:30.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

can't catch up

The question was posed in a comment: whether I ever pray for myself?  Only when I'm desperate.


I've been taking work home these past few days.  I've been trying to catch up on all the paperwork: Individual Plans of Care, social work group schedule, arranging the Volunteer Manual, and making the next month's list of quarterly and reassessments.  All this paperwork.  All these senior citizens with a multitude of problems, and I dont have enough energy or resources to help them all. I can't meet the paperwork deadlines and meet all the participants and monitor all their psychosocial needs.

I hate feeling useless.


Faith lives on things that are most dark, just as hope lives best on the elements of despair.  -- Blessed Nivard, OSB Cist.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Spiritual Bouquet for Pope Benedict XVI March 19th

Prayer Request

Pray for me.

I'm discerning who else God is asking me to intercede for, and there cannot be any mistake about this.  It's wrong to direct prayer towards one when God really needs it for another person.

I need clarity & spiritual endurance.
Spent all day getting rid of a tension/hunger headache. 

Even slept in a crazy bunch until past 10am.  Okay, that's a lie.  I slept in until 6:30am and then dozed, thought, cried, and moped in bed for the following 4 hours.

Eating about 1.5 meals per day.  I don't eat because of hunger, but because I just need to maintain.  I need to maintain my weight, my energy, and just keep on pressing.  Sometimes having an emphasis on flavor helps: cheese, garlic, a medley of vegetables.

I don't know. I don't know what to do for myself.

Now it's 12:13am and I know I need to sleep. I know I am tired and worn out, but I cannot sleep. I haven't had a single night of uninterrupted sleep in 5 months.