At any rate this is the way I choose to express my Self and my Experience at the moment.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
At any rate this is the way I choose to express my Self and my Experience at the moment.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
About 30 minutes into the park, I was photographing a borage bush that coincidentally had a bee on it. Well, Mr. Bee decided to fly at me, and thinking it went up my sleeve, I did my bee dance and dropped the camera with the lens fully extended. [Insert woeful face here]
These are the photographs before the bee incident.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I feel like I'm swimming in bed, more than I already usually do with migraines. I'll be sleeping like a rock tonight.
I hate Christmas shopping. Wish we could really turn back to tenebrae (spelling?) and just waiting. Perfume and crap. I don't really want to bother with a crummy list that isn't going to be remembered a year, let alone ten years from now. Gimme a real request.
Thinking about the gifts of the Holy Spirit. How much does yours cost you? If nothing, you ain't using it right. Trust me.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
My back momentarily stopped hurting after I sent the fax.
I've got to draw up a monthly and weekly budget for myself. Without having classes 4 nights/week, I should be able to work this out fairly well so the habit is established by the time I have to start class in the spring along with my internship. Then I'll get 3 months off with the summer to save even more, only to resume the one course and internship in the fall.
$100 for 2 weeks of gas
$75 to 100 for 2 weeks of miscellaneous (i.e., food, shopping)
Leaving about 3/4 of my paycheck in the bank. Saving up that way for a while will enable me to feel safe financially before setting the move-out date in stone. I'm so my father in terms of money: pinch and fret and pinch some more. But I'm really just entering "taking care of myself mode" with the paychecks that I do have, getting $200/month for the past 1.5 years wasn't good. It all went towards gas. It got to the point that I would return things bought weeks previously just to get extra cash for gas and not having to ask for more. I feel so bad for having to ask for money. I don't want to be put in that position again.
Other things I want to take care of are some activities like kickboxing or something active that can be put to use (i.e., forget yoga or aerobics, or a gym membership). What good is running on a treadmill, never going anywhere. I love hiking, I get to read at the summit or take photos. Getting the sense yet that something always has to be put to use? It's not just an end to itself?
hm, anyway, work in the morning and Family Christmas Tree Decorating in the Evening .... (signing off)
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I walk in and dump my tupperware in the sink, plop the book and pursue on the counter and stick my coffee in the fridge for the following morning. I mention that I'm up to my eyeballs in work and classes are all just finals, and I get greeted with "that's what you want, to be busy all the time." No question about the ethical quagmires that instantly appear at work. No question about how I'm feeling with the APS report I've got sitting on my desk and have 72 hours to fill out. Know what happens in the 24 hours I've given the potential abuser? I've given him the ability to make a good story and coach my elderly client on what to say. Or how about the Administrator of the ADHC telling me that I must run each APS report past her first (because every abuse report takes a client away from her pursue strings). Excuse me? No honey, this is how I work: I take my Code of Ethics seriously. I hold myself to a few Codes and you might have heard of some of these: the Word of God (heard of that one?), NASW Code of Ethics (or maybe this one?), and the Ethics of the ADHC (you do know your own ethics code, right?). Then on top of that I have the ethics of the APA of which I'm also a member, and the ACA, which I want to become a member of, etc. These aren't just acronyms and things you sign your name under at graduation and then forget about; codes are for protecting your client, not yourself.
Nope, that's not something to talk about when I get back from 6 hours at work and the other 7 hours at school studying for finals, taking an exam and talking with my professor at length. No, don't engage me at all; jump straight to "let's stitch up the holes in your ears" from a botched pierced ear thing that was cheap because the pediatrician did it; they're just not straight so we got them redone a zillion years ago. I declined and said that I don't place my worth and value as a person on some stupid closed up hole in my lobe. Now, now I get to hear about how I don't take care of myself and "do your girlfriends also not care?" to which I can only say "my girlfriends and I wear the same amount of makeup, boots and short skirts when we go out clubbing." Would she also like to hear guys buy me shots of Patron, because I doubt it would prove my point: closed piercing holes that no one can really see are not a sign of me being "cheap" or "low class", and employers have never had an issue with it. Then I'm told a bunch of other stuff. What's the point? Its the same old argument recycled.
So, I've been banished to eat my TV dinner in my room. Please, my room? Really? Hah, I've got books, a laptop, calligraphy utensils, 5 unfinished quilts, 5 ...er 4 Cuban sodas, a radio, an ipod, and tonnes of other things this bookish introvert could entertain herself with for hours on end. Heck, banishment to the room is better than the old days when I was eating my dinner in the laundry room.
That reminds me, I need a new house plant; maybe get one for the office, too.
I'm glad I'll be working on Christmas Eve, smiling and talking with my clients; just Thanksgiving I won't be able to recall one such Christmas where I have been authentically happy and smiley. And its not because I'll be paid (not overtime, mind you). Just being with people who are actually able to be appreciative of the littlest thing that I do or realize Christmas is not about food, gifts and walking on eggshells.
I bought a book on Friday evening. My first impulse for buying it was the cover. Then I read the introduction and that hooked me. Being so bookish, it's generally hard not to judge a book by the introduction. I found Moore's most recent book that night and spent the 2 hours at Barnes and Noble reading the first 60 pages. I might have to go back some afternoon or evening to just finish reading the book. Anyway, my impulse buy is "party of one". Now, I've got to put in my caveat: I'm not a loner, but if I spend all day with people, I invariably turn into even more of a neurotic wreak than I already am on a daily basis. I say neurotic, I'm sorta high-strung. Anyway, the thing that got me talking about the party of one is this:
"Imagine you're a loner whose ideal home would be a cottage on the beach, miles from the nearest neighbor. And your ideal day would be one in which you slept from noon to dinnertime, worked half the night, then split the rest between raising pigeons and walking -- alone, of course -- on the beach.
In some places and eras, you could get away with it. Not most. In most you would be loathed, suveilled, suspected of perversion, called a witch, hauled out, spat at, set afire -- or something like that. With luck you might only be laughed at, mercilessly, all your life."
I've got to say, as a kid and teen I dreamed of owning an old weather-worn silvered wooden cottage in some back country with green hills and forests, raising sheep. Then, I think it was last year, I was told sheep stink, but I imagine I prefer sheep stink to cow stink. Anyway, my daydreams are loner daydreams: utterly alone in huge old mansions or walking city streets in old fashioned garbed alone at night. Ain't nobody in my daydreams, except for this one kid.
Anyway, I've got work and things to do yet.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Returning to spirituality, I was saying that I would have frowned upon it, and I did, two years past. I remember one client who said she was very Christian and very spiritual during the psychosocial assessment I did on everybody as a Social Work intern. I figure my disgust was all over my face. Spirituality, that's the stuff for New Age tarot card reading-mantra chanting people. That's not the 'spirituality' I'm considering. That's spiritism, the belief of spirits and demons without the foundation of religion and dogma to declare one as benign and the other evil; all is 'spirit' and all is there to serve us and guide us.
Spirituality is the flavor added to your faith relationship with God that is grounded in the foundation of a religion. I got to a solid understanding of my spirituality over the summer. I delved into spirituality last winter, and came out with a different understanding in the spring. So many are focused on the life, the spring time, the resurrection, the sun and the warmth; I tend towards the winter, the dark, the dark night, the crucifixion, the agony in the garden. I told a friend at a house warming party in July that people need to move beyond what I got, the faith I have is good, go and get what is better. Some of us have to stand at the foot of the Cross at the Crucifixion.
If you don't like what I'm doing, saying, or reading without good reason and just object; you've automatically lost my audience. I'd say that two years ago I didn't understand or value in any sense the nuance between religion and spirituality; I couldn't parse out foundation from trappings. I frowned upon it and adhered only to religion, not understanding that spirituality has its own importance. I didn't go seeking for any grasp or understanding, I had shut it out.
In November '09 I took any job that I could find; I worked as a bell ringer for the Salvation Army: paid to ring a bell next to the red bucket. I hated it as a job. Coming out of my rejecting the SMMEs, the days and months were already darkly tinted; I was already in the shadows, and this job provided the transition from shadow to darkness. At first I fought against it, but in buying a book from the library resale I learned that I didn't always have to fight off the darkness. The author, Thomas Moore, has a way of writing in a spiritual manner but not a religious one. Reading his work, automatically took me out of my comfort zone.
As I was being pushed out of my comfort zone in terms of religion versus spirituality, I was pushing others out of their own. I stopped fighting the darkness and the depression. I didn't give into the depression, obviously, but I just sat in it. Like a hiker lost in a thick fog, I didn't waste my lethargic energy on wandering around but sat down on a mossy rock and waited for the dawn. It was one of those fogs so thick that the trees drip and it sounds like rain, and the drops pierce through your sweater. You're on-edge sitting there in the dark just waiting, waiting.
So I sat and waited. I got through my depression, intentionally this time, the hard way; it's the only way I've ever known for getting through depression. I lost quite a bit of audience. I remember one prayer meeting, some religious people who were emotionally sensitive but religiously neurotic (cautious in all the wrong ways) told me to just make nice, to play pretend. Those blithe statements of "smile and soon you'll feel happy." Pardon me. My emotions and states of mind are my own. I chose to share with some people and not all were understanding. Anything that's not within their experience wasn't valid. So I ignored their opinions and turned to others who understood. My spiritual director was understanding and supportive, my therapist a phone call away; the bases were covered.
So, this week with it's crazy paperwork fiasco at work (let's just torch it and start over), mom's episodes, finals, lack of sleep, Grampa, and other things, I made the choice to just shut down emotionally. It's really its own state of consciousness - being emotionless. I'm capable of emotional reactions, but I chose to ignore the ones that relate to my interior world. Knowing that I was in need of spiritual component again, I turned to Moore's writing. It's nice to get confirmation that it's okay to be awake at night, to be in the dark.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
In other news, 1-403-896-9013 stop texting me!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
... back to a test, two papers, and networking with people about code violations at work.
Friday, December 3, 2010
- To Do lists, when I have something to do, are my best friends ... after all my books, of course!
- Mr. C - now that was all sorts of inappropriate! If you hadn't just been released from the hospital, I'd give you a piece of my mind. Clients must be reminded that they are clients. I liked medical social work, no one got overly friendly or casual. It was always clear who was who.
- Work is a mess. People not doing paperwork, forging paperwork, etc. Ethical nightmare. I think I have found yet another reason for why they have lost more than 6 social workers in the past 7 months.
- Work gave me a migraine today. *Clings to the excedrin bottle for dear sanity*
- Michaels & JoAnn's - you make me nauseous. Stimuli overload.
- I like being a Traditional Roman Catholic aka Scrooge; thank you very much!
- I feel like upchucking my excedrin
- Diggin Up Bones
- Thinking I might give Prof C a piece of my mind, and we all know how that will go! Making me think of Joseph again. Everything had been nice and neatly tucked away. Joseph's one of those people you only think about every once in a while, at certain moments. Then you want to let them invade your inner world like Dom let Mal into his. Joseph's like that, and things don't seem that strange anymore. But I wish he was here. I still think he got lucky though; he got off. He's got it good.
- To heck with the concert, gonna go do a nice quiet dinner with my friends. Stay indoors, sans parents.
- Want to quilt again.
Monday, November 29, 2010
It was wrong of her to end class on such a morose note, but what do I know? I'm just the student.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Last spring, Oprah, featured the Dominican Sisters of Mary Mother of the Eucharist (DSMME or SMMEs) on her show. Apparently, she's back at it. It was supposed to have aired today. If someone can find the full episode clip of the Sisters, I'd love to watch it.
Here's the link.
I could have been there. I could have either learned on this side of the convent walls as I did, or I could have learned inside them, that I wasn't supposed to be there. I shouldn't be spending time on what could have been, but on where I'm going.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
- An obligatory comment on the condom snafu in the news media: His Holiness did not make it ex cathedra. Secondly, it's an attempt to imbue some charity into immoral sexual acts: protection of an infected HIV/AIDS person's sexual partner of choice. This is not a move towards permitting contraceptives at all; look at the intention: protection from further harm, not avoidance of creating life!
- Dicit Dominus: Ego cogito cogitationes pacis, et non afflicitonis: invocabitis me, et ego exaudiam vos: et reducam captivatem vestram de cunctis locis.
- It's not Christmas yet, so why the music? Don't you knuckleheads at the mall understand that Christmas starts on December 25th and extends through the octave until January 6th? Since I'll be losing my sanity at the mall with each carol that the speakers pipe in, and I use the music on this blog as typing music, it's changed for the Advent season.
- Speaking of Advent: it's the mini-Lent of the Traditional Catholic. I'm trying to think of what to fast from; might switch to Gregorian chant for the entirety of the 4 weeks. I've a few days to figure this one.
- Mrs L, I appreciate what you're trying to say, but I already know a lot of this. I've been in discernment for 5 years, been accepted to a community and have had to turn it down. I'm at where I am for a reason; I don't need to know that reason. Yes, I've read smidgens of the Little Flower, but when God puts you on hold, you learn these lessons anyway. Being put on hold isn't that bad: you know you'll get service eventually, and in the meantime you're doing small tasks that needed to get done. I'll get through eventually. Heck, it's nowhere near the difficulty of the Dark Night!
- Lastly, happy Solemnity of Christ the King.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Unless someone wants to declare me certifiably insane, of course. I might attempt the 50k yet...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Here are just a few fallacies:
1. Ad hominem: Attacking the character of the person forwarding an argument.
2. Ad populum: Making an argument based on popular viewpoints, which does not verify it as correct.
3. Anecdotal evidence: Use of special cases to contradict an argument based on statistical evidence.
4. Appeal to authority: Argument or suggestion claiming validity due to an expert or authorities approval/agreement.
5. Appeal to ignorance: Suggesting that due to a lack of evidence for or against a case, then the case must be false.
6. Biased Evidence: Backing only one's own opinion without investigating around the topic.
7. Repetition: Stating things in repetition does not validify a statement.
8. Straw man arguments: Misrepresenting a position, so as to create a debating point that detracts from the main topic.
Friday, November 12, 2010
I spent the majority of the day at school trying to read and study for an exam. Although I brought a bunch of snacks with me, the only thing I made use of all day and into the evening was a bottle of water. Of course with cooler weather and the time change, and not eating all day long, I was pretty freaking cold by the time I had to take the exam for my evening course.
I had one friend chatting with me via email. Seems odd to me that I still manage to sound philosophical when on a scale of -10 to 10, I rated myself on a -5.
- "if i could cut out the part of me that is bad, i'd do it
i wish i could cut the pain away"
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
gloom 'n' doom. self pity is hell. no wonder i dont explore it very often. reality
i'll keep myself as safe as possible. i'll try to drive the speed limit. i'll try to eat. i'll try not to cut
If you want/need a promise, I'll give you what we did in school social work:
The 3+ people I promise to call: Eman, Lisa, and anyone else who'll listen & my most recent former therapist
I promise not to kill myself. I will try my best not to hurt myself (i.e., cutting) but don't feel safe/able to ensure my word at this time. If I start thinking of hurting myself in a grayish area between self-injury & suicide I will hand over my booze, migraine medication, PMS meds, excedrin OTCs and Alieve over to a trusted friend for at least one week; along with all my sharp objects (nail cutters, scissors, sewing pins & needles, metal emery board, hand mirrors, and anything else I find a temptation). I will avail myself to counseling services on campus; may even return to my most recent ex-therapist in Huntington. If I feel like I'm going to break my promise, I'll find the cop who stands 24/7 sentry at the Hawthorne cliffs and submit to a 5150 (that's what he's there for; that's why people go to the Hawthorne cliffs).
Re-post from March 3, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
“The land of dreams and romance, of fabulous wealth and fabulous poverty, of splendour and rags, of palaces and hovels, of famine and pestilence, of genii and giants and Aladdin lamps, of tigers and elephants, the cobra and the jungle, the country of hundred nations and a hundred tongues, of a thousand religions and two million gods, cradle of the human race, birthplace of human speech, mother of history, grandmother of legend, great-grandmother of traditions, whose yesterday's bear date with the moderate antiquities for the rest of nations-the one sole country under the sun that is endowed with an imperishable interest for alien prince and alien peasant, for lettered and ignorant, wise and fool, rich and poor, bond and free, the one land that all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for the shows of all the rest of the world combined.”
Does the Catechism provide a specific definition of forgiveness and its relation to the concept of restitution? Have you forgiven a serious personal offense, and did you take steps to prevent that offense from recurring?
Look the difference between you and me, is that I own the Catechism and I have the ability to open it and read it. I don't have special knowledge or training. You have opposable thumbs just like me: pick it up, open up the index and read.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Birthdays went very smoothly yesterday; someone was very heavily medicated. I toed the line a few times, and barely got a look. But it's fake, its a veneer. Some things were said in jest and if it weren't for the meds, lolz. She just about flipped her biscuit when my sister joked that she and 'T' were considering certain things for when they get married. Holy friggs, the look on her face, you could see the meds working overtime, like a switch flipped. At least I didn't get any crap this time about not having a boyfriend; I got jabs over not having a job, though. Not sure which one is worse. Just a few more days to go until the actual birthdays pass, then we can all let down the guard a bit.
---Post Edited 11/07 at 3:27pm ---
What a weekend. I'm tired. Can I get a do-over?
This is one weekend I'm really glad that I don't have to teach.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Can a person's family of origin elicit problems that otherwise would not have appeared? I think I reacted defensively to my family's problems instead of behaving proactively to create a better future for myself. How could one create healthy boundaries?
I can't help you with that one. I'd suggest finding a good therapist and working through those reactions.
chocolate ice cream and gchat is helping
and my big stuffed neon orange elephant...just one of those weeks where everything shuts down
even my sense of grammar and formation shuts down sheesh
just gotta let it roll on through...no wonder they call it urge surfing
enough bitching i'm gonna go write
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Since I'm running on less sleep for NaNo, I'm also still very out of whack from Saturday; too much partying & my back hates me for sleeping on a lumpy futon. The next time I sleep over, I'll have to bring a board if I want to avoid all this pain. Or, I could stop partying...because that idea is so viable.
Anyway, back to writing.