Saturday, February 19, 2011

Spiritual Atmosphere

Anyone else feel the spiritual atmosphere changing?  Anyone else getting a strong sense of dread?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Working from Home

It wasn't originally in my plans to spend tonight at home. I'm usually finding one activity or another that enables me to stay out of the house as long as possible.  But I'm working on things here that I would be doing if I were to have my own place, and I don't have to interact with my parents at all.

At work I see more paperwork than I do clients.  It's driving me nuts.  I'm overwhelmed with trying to keep track of all the different diagnoses, what the Social Work department found, what the LCSW diagnosed them with, what PT and OT are working on them with.  A lot of these frustrations would be eliminated if we actually did Multi-Disciplinary Team meetings.  If OT, PT, RN, and SW were to actually quickly discuss and review what they found with the client at the end of the re-assessment period, then we could work together on the same goals over the next 6 months.

So I'm creating a log that compares what the SW department finds as a diagnosis and the reasoning, with that of the LCSW just so there's less confusion.  I had a chart with me this entire week because the pt had a diagnosis of depression from the LCSW, a prescription for Elavil from the primary care physician; but no diagnosis of depression from the doctor, or any other evident symptoms.  So I had to call and fax the doctor to get a straight answer, and then referred out to the LCSW so that we could figure out why the pt has a flat affect displays other symptoms, but certainly not depression.  If there had been such a log in the past, there wouldn't be this confusion - why did SW and LCSW have differing paperwork.

I'm creating a volunteer manual as well with HIPAA regulations, the NASW Code of Ethics, and I plan to be reading and drafting instructionals about what we do at our ADHC.  I want to include information about the most commonly seen issues: depression, dementia, Alzheimer's, medication mismanagement, etc.  Why?  I've put word out to two colleges requesting volunteers who will provide translation for our social work groups.  We are sorely in need of translators, there's only one person on staff to translate Chinese to English, and that does not help matters when it comes to Vietnamese.  It's very difficult to conduct therapy with one Social Worker, one pt, and 2 translators!  So hopefully I'll have a few bilingual volunteers, and it might might make my life a little easier.

What I was struggling to say last night, is that telling everything about who I am is difficult.  Imagine sitting down for 50 minutes and trying to quickly acquaint them with your life, family dynamics, and patterns well enough so they can help you make heads or tails of the introverts personal analysis.
My snide comment for the moment: does he really think that the introvert is unaware of being an introvert?
I didn't return to my therapist in Garden Grove, not because it's too far (although this is true), but I saw her for religious discernment and to create better emotional boundaries so that I could terminate and leave the family home for the convent.  Now, I need to work on many things: coping skills (he knows about my disorder and lack of eating; he's missing a few pieces of the puzzle), better emotional & psychological separation and boundaries from parents, and my binge drinking patterns (if you missed the story about 15+ shots of scotch whiskey, that's not my fault).

Thursday, February 17, 2011


Starting all over again with a new therapist is very peculiar.  

I'm an introvert, so much is already in my head, so much is already analysed.  Why the need for a therapist? Because while I know mostly what needs to be addressed and implemented, I need a springboard.  I have to have someone else I can just say "I don't know" to or back off on my own thoughts and hear from a third party.  

It's one thing to resume treatment with a therapist, it's a whole other chicken to begin telling the story all over again.  It's hard not to keep my therapist in the dark, to have to lay it all out there at once.

Today hurts because I woke up with thoughts of my job being completely replaceable, nothing special.  There is little that I do at work that someone could not do better.  I fail each day that I do not get around to doing group therapy; I fail each day that I don't know exactly who needs to be reached out to on a frequent basis.

This afternoon I was reminded that the cost of being an introvert is that my best friend is about to leave for seminary in September.  I don't have many other friends that I can turn to, as I do to him.  I don't trust myself with many people.  I don't want to bog people down.  There are plenty of times I need someone, but I don't have a close-enough friend around.  But my 'needing someone' isn't what I think others expect.  I'm not going to be crying or using tissues. I'm more likely to springboard, analyze, whine a little, and sometimes I just need someone to sit with me.

Crying is something I do over the state of affairs in the World, and usually for the state of Souls, rather than over what I experience.  The things I experience in life bring anger, and hurt that tears can't fix.  If I can't find someone to hang out with tomorrow evening, I'll probably hit up the Chapel for Divine Mercy Chaplet and spend my time there.  It's been too long; He's too Good.


Over the past week I've had one friend say that he's likely to enter seminary in the fall, and had another leave.  All this religious life talk is helping me to see that I never addressed having to decline my acceptance to the SMMEs.  In 2009, sure there was the huge scene with my mom once she learned that I was called to religious life, but in 2010 when I had to turn the SMMEs down due to my loan situation, it passed without incident.  I informed very few people.  The wound is still open.

morning thoughts

Upon waking up, I shut off my alarm clock before it went off.  That's been the routine for a few weeks now: waking up before I have to, sometimes for a half hour or more.  Anyway, in the gray light, and noting that it wasn't raining, I reflected that I work in a career that is easily replaceable.  If I were to quit today, there'd be someone better to take my place.  It's such a contrast when the Soul cannot be replaced or repeated by another, but the body, so to speak, can.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Starting Internship

My days, already draining, are now certifiably insane.

Monday through Friday I work 8am to 2pm.  
Every Monday I have class from 5 to 6 pm in a city 45 minutes away from where I work, if traffic is good.  
Tuesday through Friday I have internship from 3 to at least 6pm.

On top of this I have Confirmation to teach every other Sunday; and find time for therapy, and personal down time.


The boss at the internship is like a little boy showing off a brand new toy; it's not a start-up, but they are branching out into doing substance abuse treatment in local high schools: El Monte, San Pedro, Lomita, &c.  He's very eager to show off what he's done to get the paperwork and networking with school sites into place.  He's also very sociable and extroverted, with sarcasm.  What absolutely drives me up the wall (and this just after the first day) is his lack of organization.  He's got things planned out, but the Rolodex is brand new and he doesn't regard it as a cool new tool, as I do.  While the paperwork is to the T, it's laid back, and there's no instruction on typical shorthand, what to do in regards to paperwork, etc.  I like the details, knowing all that allows my rote to kick in while my wheels whir and spin solving problems.

stinking extrovert

I'm already being made fun of for not having my planner ready today, but I will for tomorrow.  

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Foot cramps are some of the most annoying things.

I'm tired as all get-out.  Friday evening into Saturday morning: sleep got worse the more that I prayed for it to come.  Saturday evening, I slept a bit better, but I still woke up 30 minutes before necessary.  I also encountered some spiritual attacks akin to September 2009.  I've since doused the room and bed in holy water, I just need to get my hands on some exorcised salt.

I learned that the blessing is gone from a Rosary if it is broken and not repaired; that it needs to be disassembled and buried.  What about when the beads on the rose petal Rosary shatter and fall off? The beads were replaced, so now what?

Bought two books on Mary today.  One is an illustrated prayer book; I am His Child, and if I need pictures to help me out, so be it.  It's terrible, trying to learn about Mary and have her be my Momma when I can scarcely figure out my own mother, how to get her to want me as me, and not as her creature.  The other is titled Mary of Nazareth, which is proving to be simply clear and informative.  No fancy words, just saying it plainly with Scripture.  Hopefully I'll find this information more human and connective.  Although there was a great book I saw in the parish bookstore a few weeks back that looks really interesting: The Life of Mary: As Seen by the Mystics. Perhaps in a few months?

Speaking with good spiritual friends recently has helped me keep my chin up.  I may be tired, sleep deprived, and not eating all three meals per day, but it will come to pass.  I spent the morning at Mass, an hour on the phone, and spent the majority of the day teaching a different class for Confirmation - they were lacking an adult leader so I got switched out.  Its neat to know that some of the difficulties I have to teaching my kids are personality differences and attitude, since the group I taught today was small, but we were all good and nice to each other.  It was different.  Not every class is like mine; that's one of many things I got out of today.

Another was the offer to spend a week in a good family home, and a good Catholic one at that.  I wish I could accept it.  I spend so much time outside of my home, just to get away that I have incurred plenty of examples of good Christian homes.  I get to know that not all parents shout and yell in arguments to the extent that you wish and wish to fly away out of the house.  I get to see people who actually show chaste affection rather than just coolness or a weird short burst of cuteness (weird - as it's out of character and only a few months per year rather than daily affection).  Perhaps one of these days.  This is one of my aims in entering therapy - wanting to learn to switch from the ways I've been taught, to the right path; otherwise I'll enter and leave religious life angry and confront people wrongly.  Subversive living is adaptive at home and it kills vocations in religious life.

How am I supposed to learn how it is to have a Mother?