Monday, August 15, 2011
Still working 6hrs/day at the senior day center, and volunteering hours in the evenings at the mental health clinic.Recently downed by a summer cold that had the revenge of winter; I evaded the flu all season. Now I have earaches (plural: 2), pink eye(s), and a cold. I'm bored as being sick sucks all the fun out of skipping out of work.Moved over to the TLM perhaps permanently. Not teaching Confirmation much; becoming a substitute teacher and will help with any, all (?), retreats.Some photography, some quilting.
Note: TLM = Tridentine Latin Mass / Traditional Latin Mass
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you. -- St Augustine
All our religion is but a false religion, and all our virtues are mere illusions and we ourselves are only hypocrites in the sight of God, if we have not that universal charity for everyone - for the good, and for the bad, for the poor and for the rich, and for all those who do us harm as much as those who do us good. -- St. John Vianney
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Meanwhile, I've put off a number of things:
- writing a letter to Monsignor for why 2 teens should not be Confirmed in May
- Eating dinner
- getting back to work on my novels
- Need to find a better job
- I'm probably forgetting something here...
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I hadn't been aware that she was a nun, since she had been so sickly. I wonder if Jesus puts mystics into the convent since it's the best way to assure that they have spiritual directors and care?
St Gemma definitely inspires one to want to be a Saint.
The website about St Gemma: here.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Psychologically, it's mind-boggling. Emotionally, it's heart-wrenching. Spiritually speaking: I'm not asking what God has done, but what He has permitted. I'm asking what I can do spiritually to help out.
Pray, united with the intercession of the Angels, Saints, and Our Lady of Akita.
-- edited 9:30pm --
Consider the lost Souls:
- no Last Rites were available
- no Consolation
- their Guardian Angels
- the demons tormenting and spiritually attacking them
- the moments of doubt of a benevolent God
- Nearly inconsolable grief
- Doubts of God's Mercy
- Turning away from God
- Anger at it all
- statement's like the psalmists' Where is their God now?
- Spiritual attacks of doubt and despair
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
In 2008 I fasted particularly strongly: no noise, music, or auditory stimulation at all. The only music, conversation etc occurred every Sunday at Mass. It took me a good two weeks after Easter to turn the radio on in the car. I cannot fast that way this year, however I am curtailing my music choices. I'm cutting certain practices out, and resuming some spiritual reading. What I mean by cutting certain practices out, is not like giving up chocolate or not watching television to gain more time to read. Rather I'm gouging out unsavory practices: habitual sin. I know that it's going to flare up before it ceases, but it will end.
As Lent is somber, there's a pervasive element of despair. It's the desert season: without water, without seeming refuge; exposed under scrutiny however painful. It's a time that I give myself permission to spiritually flounder, and I pray for it as well. I know that I need pruning and trimming. It's a difficult process, but in being aware that I need to go through it, I have to let it occur. I do not like it. I do not willingly seek it out in joy.
Do we enjoy scrubbing the toilet? No, but wouldn't you rather have a clean toilet to purge into when you've got food poisoning? Well, it's the same spiritually. We need to enter into Lent and it's sobriety to purge our Souls.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Ate 2 donuts & a 16oz coffee for breakfast this morning. Went light on lunch, since eating food is new. Felt sick around 3pm.
Chopped off another 4 inches of hair and dyed it mahogany red-brown. (here) And will be doing dinner & Faith Sharing with friends. I made Asian stir-fry. All veggies, garlic & ginger. =)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
- Introverts probably aren't good for therapy since we've done all the analysis; we just need the untangling. However, we've done so much analysis and it seems to apparent to us, that we're shocked you just don't fully grasp it yet.
- Being friends with an introvert requires one-on-one time. Seek us out, we won't be seeking you out for dinner or parties, unless it's small and intimate.
- Introverts - for the uneducated blog-reader - are not shy, quiet, or anti-social. We practice under the idea, that just as you would not show your cards during a game of poker, we don't show our thoughts. Why give away what you don't deserve the right to see/know? And why would I show my cards [thoughts] until they've percolated properly?
- Being found trustworthy by an introvert is like blood-ties. Our social circle is small, but tight. Getting in is hard, getting out depends on how quick you are to disrespect our boundaries.
- We recharge out batteries (spiritually, emotionally, socially) in solitude and/or quiet. Sometimes we need time to just be completely and entirely alone. This isn't being socially withdrawn, this is natural for us.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Psychology tends to be solar, wanting to bring all things to light, to overcome the darkness and make everything manageable. It wants to banish darkness with any means at its disposal. But no one wants such a harsh cleansing and brightening. It would be better to be deepened and darkened by an experience of the night. You would then become more complex, more interesting, less one-dimensional.
You can see that the point of staying in the dark is not to trick it into making you brilliant and germ-free, but to make you a more interesting person and to give you a more fascinating life. In therapeutic times like ours, these goals may seem odd. But they are ultimately more humane. Rather than giving you a spotless, well-adjusted personality, they give you substance. You become a person worth knowing, worth listening to, and worth loving, in all your dimensions.
-- Dark Nights of the Soul, Thomas More, pg 51
Friday, February 25, 2011
Dragged myself out of bad this morning, running late. Getting into work, I sat at my desk literally sat still for 5 minutes trying to think of what to do. It's not for a lack of work, but for too much. I'm behind in my IPCs, haven't ran a single group session, behind on my quarterly notes.
The other social worker is saying things like "Let's go eat" and my visceral reaction is "no thanks" because I've gone from "being too stressed to eat" to having no appetite whatsoever. For example, I was watching television this afternoon with a girlfriend and a KFC commercial aired. I wanted to buy a bucket, for a split second, to see if the pieces actually looked like the image, but not out of interest in the scent, flavor, or sustenance. I take extra hot showers just to chase away the cold.
For the past two weeks my back pain went away. It's returned. I can't sit, stand, or lay in any comfortable position, and the same goes for my neck and shoulders. The pain is stress related, I carry all my stress psychosomatically.
And if anyone's reading this and flipping out, the conversation I had with my girlfriend this afternoon is telling. I said that I think I might be headed straight into depression. I'm not surprised by it. For all the damaging things I do to myself (I consider not eating self injurious behavior), I'll never kill myself. For those who say "never say never" let me make something clear. If this is indeed a depressive episode, it will be my sixth. I've had darker, more dangerous episodes than anything I could be experiencing now. I didn't attempt anything then, and won't be doing so now. If I act out, well, what can I say? I have done so in the past and may well do so in the future.
I've got therapy tomorrow at 10am. Afterwards I'll be going shopping with the girls, and dinner, and possibly a bar. Right now, I'm going to try to get more than 5 hours of sleep, like I did last night.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Keep hitting brick walls: my boss overlooks me (literally ignores me); tells me that if I don't attend political rallies to keep ADHCs open, that I don't value my job; makes comments about whether I'm ready for the unemployment line. I'm still completing re-assessments, and didn't get the list of quarterly progress notes until yesterday, and these all have to be completed by the 28th (and no, we're not open on weekends). I asked the translator if he could help me with a final assessment today, and since he didn't get his paycheck he ignored me as well: walked right past me and didn't heed my request. Program Director saw it all and she didn't do any thing. I got my pay check today (we're supposed to be paid on the 5th and 20th of each month), and the boss doesn't have enough funds in the business account for me to cash my check.
If I can't cash the check, I can't go on something I've been wanting to do on the 5th of March. I need to cash my check and write a check for the one-day retreat. I need some time to myself and I might not get it without cashing the check.
Thursdays are going to be my busiest days: work 8-2, internship 3-7:30.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Faith lives on things that are most dark, just as hope lives best on the elements of despair. -- Blessed Nivard, OSB Cist.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Upon waking up, I shut off my alarm clock before it went off. That's been the routine for a few weeks now: waking up before I have to, sometimes for a half hour or more. Anyway, in the gray light, and noting that it wasn't raining, I reflected that I work in a career that is easily replaceable. If I were to quit today, there'd be someone better to take my place. It's such a contrast when the Soul cannot be replaced or repeated by another, but the body, so to speak, can.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I'm tired as all get-out. Friday evening into Saturday morning: sleep got worse the more that I prayed for it to come. Saturday evening, I slept a bit better, but I still woke up 30 minutes before necessary. I also encountered some spiritual attacks akin to September 2009. I've since doused the room and bed in holy water, I just need to get my hands on some exorcised salt.
I learned that the blessing is gone from a Rosary if it is broken and not repaired; that it needs to be disassembled and buried. What about when the beads on the rose petal Rosary shatter and fall off? The beads were replaced, so now what?
Bought two books on Mary today. One is an illustrated prayer book; I am His Child, and if I need pictures to help me out, so be it. It's terrible, trying to learn about Mary and have her be my Momma when I can scarcely figure out my own mother, how to get her to want me as me, and not as her creature. The other is titled Mary of Nazareth, which is proving to be simply clear and informative. No fancy words, just saying it plainly with Scripture. Hopefully I'll find this information more human and connective. Although there was a great book I saw in the parish bookstore a few weeks back that looks really interesting: The Life of Mary: As Seen by the Mystics. Perhaps in a few months?
Speaking with good spiritual friends recently has helped me keep my chin up. I may be tired, sleep deprived, and not eating all three meals per day, but it will come to pass. I spent the morning at Mass, an hour on the phone, and spent the majority of the day teaching a different class for Confirmation - they were lacking an adult leader so I got switched out. Its neat to know that some of the difficulties I have to teaching my kids are personality differences and attitude, since the group I taught today was small, but we were all good and nice to each other. It was different. Not every class is like mine; that's one of many things I got out of today.
Another was the offer to spend a week in a good family home, and a good Catholic one at that. I wish I could accept it. I spend so much time outside of my home, just to get away that I have incurred plenty of examples of good Christian homes. I get to know that not all parents shout and yell in arguments to the extent that you wish and wish to fly away out of the house. I get to see people who actually show chaste affection rather than just coolness or a weird short burst of cuteness (weird - as it's out of character and only a few months per year rather than daily affection). Perhaps one of these days. This is one of my aims in entering therapy - wanting to learn to switch from the ways I've been taught, to the right path; otherwise I'll enter and leave religious life angry and confront people wrongly. Subversive living is adaptive at home and it kills vocations in religious life.
How am I supposed to learn how it is to have a Mother?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
February 2, 2011
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
One-quarter enter with graduate degrees
Half attended Catholic elementary school
The survey report The Profession Class of 2010: Survey of Women Religious Professing Perpetual Vows was released February 2, the Church’s World Day for Consecrated Life. It was conducted by the Georgetown University-based Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate (CARA) and commissioned by the U.S. bishops’ Secretariat of Clergy, Consecrated Life and Vocations. The survey was sent to sisters represented by the two conferences of religious women, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious and the Council of Major Superiors of Women Religious, as well as contemplative communities. Respondents represented 52 religious orders. A total of 68 out of 79 sisters contacted completed the survey.
- In general, women religious of the Class of 2010 are more diverse than previously perpetually professed women religious in terms of racial and ethnic identity. Six in ten identify as white, one in five identifies as Asian, and one in ten identifies as Hispanic/Latina.
- Nearly nine in ten sisters and nuns were born Catholic and eight in ten came from families in which both parents are Catholic.
- Half of responding women religious (51 percent) attended a Catholic elementary school. Women religious are about as likely as other U.S. Catholics to have attended a Catholic high school and much more likely to have attended a Catholic college.
- The responding women religious are highly educated. A quarter earned a graduate degree before entering their religious institute. Six in ten entered their religious institute with at least a bachelor’s degree or more.
- Many women religious were active in parish life before entering their religious institute. Four in ten participated in a youth group and three in ten participated in a young adult group. Eighty-five percent had ministry experience before entering their religious institute, most commonly in liturgical ministry, faith formation, or social service ministry.
- Three-quarters of responding sisters and nuns regularly participated in retreats before they entered their religious institute. Two-thirds regularly prayed the Rosary and/or participated in Eucharistic Adoration. Six in ten regularly participated in a faith sharing or Bible study group and/or in regular spiritual direction.
- Nine in ten women religious (87 percent) say they were encouraged to consider religious life by someone in their life. Of those who reported that they were encouraged to consider a vocation, more than half (52 percent) say they were encouraged by a religious sister. A third were introduced to their institute through the recommendation of a priest or advisor.
- Most women religious of the Profession Class of 2010 (84 percent) participated in some type of vocation program or experience prior to entering their religious institute. Most commonly this was a “Come and See” experience or a vocation retreat.
“The report demonstrates that family life and education are significant in forming children in the spiritual life. Many women, before entering, were active in Church and participated in spiritual exercises — especially Eucharistic Adoration, praying the Rosary and retreats. This is a tremendous witness to the power of Christ and prayer in the Church,” said Sister Mary Joanna Ruhland, RSM, associate director of the Secretariat. “It also points to the witness of answering God’s call that religious women and priests give to young people. The personal relationship each has with Christ is fostered by the role models they see in, and encouragement they receive from, women religious and priests.”
The entire survey can be found at: http://www.usccb.org/cl/profession-class-2010.shtml
Keywords: World Day for Consecrated Life, sisters, nuns, perpetual vows, profession of vows, Archbishop Robert Carlson, Sister Mary Joanna Ruhland, CARA, Leadership Conference of Women Religious, Council for Major Superiors of Women Religious, Catholic Bishops, USCCB
Friday, February 11, 2011
I saw "The Rite" this evening with friends. It's amazing to me how people were asking, "Isn't that how it is with spiritual warfare?" in amazement and disbelief. And I wanted to grab them by their shoulders and shake them up. How can you profess to be such a strong Christian, and Catholic nonetheless, and not know what is spiritual warfare? What kind of spirituality are you following that you are not daily attacked by Satan? How do you not know? Yes, that movie depicts demonic possession, but it also depicts the progression of spiritual warfare, half-truths, and nature of Satan. Portions of the film are Hollywood like the somber setting for Fr. Lucas' quarters, but the plagues, the screams, the voices, the hallucinations, etc are all realistic. I think it's an as realistic depiction as will ever be coming out of Hollywood; it's the most accurate thus far.
Finally got me a therapist after not having one for about 2 years. I think I caught him off guard with how introspective I am; how I look into the foreseeable future and know what I need to work on in my life and why. He was a bit taken back by how forward I am with my faith as well. He brought it up saying, "Did I say anything about faith on the site where you found my listing?" As I explained to him, he listed himself as Christian, and he then mentioned that he is Catholic. I don't care if he's Christian or Catholic, or not at all. It's an added bonus to be Christian, and even moreso to be Catholic. But I'm Catholic, and I'm involved with the Church. I'm going to talk about it. I'm going to mention teaching Confirmation. I will be mentioning the issues at home and the hostility about the Faith I face at home. So it's better to talk about it in the first session. It's not a special debut topic or anything. It's as much a part of me as the color of my eyes. If he doesn't like it, he can put it on his therapeutic back-burner.
Keep praying for me, as I'm praying for you.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
im tired and i want to be left alone i want to do my things but i cant i have to hide away at book stores or friends places i have to clean my room when i go on weekend retreats as a chaperone im tired of having to be one step ahead and instantly 3 paces behind im tired of never being able to invite friends over or talk on the phone or read a book or write a novel without scrutiny i dont want to have fights over why i cant have a full time job in addition to an internship im tired of having to find things to do to stay out of my own house until other people are around because i cant handle her i need time to myself and i cant have it since everything needs an explanation and im tired of having to lie to get alone time so i keep myself around other people and i get flak for it and im tired
i cant move out governor brown is threatening to shut down adhcs and theres one rule that was spoken once and never repeated you can move out and well still love you but you cant move back in im not ready to face the possibility of homelessness and while ive adjusted to joblessness i dont think i could handle the two at once and who determined i was stable to do so anyway i mean staying at home is not helping me emotionally psychologically or socially but financially its a boon im just like my father in terms of money squirreling it away until i feel secure
maybe ill see you on the other side of sunday
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
- high status
- high pay
- paid vacations
- health benefits
- (a) incapable of being fully present to me
- (b) incapable of just listening to how my day went honestly and without offering a solution
- (c) incapable of not making it sound like my job is difficult due to my fault [its the fault of my Program Director who's on probation]
- (d) incapable of not over-glorifying herself
Monday, January 31, 2011
I'm in the process of rewriting the novel premise I started in 2008 and promptly ditched for NaNo 2009, and which became NaNo 2010 by default. I added two additional opening chapters to this one, and so far, it cuts out the need for the original's first four chapters, which sounds bad. However considering that 22 chapters in I wasn't even close to the climax of the original draft, I've got plenty of room in my playground. I think I'm pacing things correctly in the timeline ... trying to keep it from going insane.
I'm working on finding a therapist, and I think I've narrowed it down to one. Now all I need is the nerve to call and make my first appointment. Just because it's my profession, doesn't make it any easier to make the calls or sit in waiting rooms.
Bought a bright orange flowering plant and stuck it in a lime green container. I feel it's just snarky enough for the office. Boss man made comments on how long I worked today: until 4pm. I'm helping to keep his business open, but not sure how long I can hold the sarcasm back.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Oppose ADHC Closure
I'm asking you to oppose the proposed closure of ADHCs in California, as presented by the Governor for the following reasons:
- Closing ADHCs (Adult Day Health Centers) would cost $51million more than it would save taxpayers.
- The current 12.4% unemployment rate in California would increase.
- The adults served by ADHCs are selected by the state to have services rendered that prevent institutionalization.
- The nursing, physical and occupational services provided in ADHCs allow the elderly adults to maintain their mobility, mental acuity, and independence.
- Nursing services prevent the overcrowding of emergency rooms and Primary Care Physicians are better able to delegate and manage their patients' needs with nurses monitoring health parameters.
- Social services rendered provide mental health screening, and case management, and provide legal advocacy and protection of this vulnerable population.
- Provide opportunities for socialization, friendships, and exposure to others in their generation.
It would be wise to maintain ADHCs in California, just to maintain the status of the current aging population. However, the real reason you should keep ADHCs in California is that the number of elderly will increase as the Baby Boomer cohort ages. I'm sure you have heard how ornery these newer elderly are, and if you think they will be content to sit at home isolated due to decreased physical mobility, relying on Access Transportation, and socially marginalized, I can wholeheartedly assure you they are not! Having ADHCs already established in the community will be of more benefit, rather than having to re-open centers, train inexperienced staff, and create new networks in a community.
Megan Singer MSW
El Camino Adult Day Health Care Center
15429 Crenshaw Blvd., Suite D.
Gardena, CA 90249
Ph: 301.679.7624 Fax: 310.679.6346
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Faith lives on things that are most dark, just as hope lives best on the elements of despair. -- Blessed Nivard, OSB Cist.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
It can be lonely, mostly I just try to pass, in the sociological sense. Can't imagine it would be difficult for others to see why, we now gather in our little meetups or have our own blogs (yeah, that would be my 5th).
It's on my mind because of yesterday, and then today one of the treatment centers in LA County sent out it's bi/tri/quad-annual e-newsletter, only to rub in the fact that their individual therapy sessions are egregiously expensive, which they can charge because they are the specialists in the ares; leaving the rest of us out in the cold. This sector of my profession also disgusts me -- charging a lot not because of their experience or knowledge, but because they know there's no one else. So, you're either going to go around with the label of "freak" or you'll bend over backwards to pay their $140/session fee.
Thanks, but chewing through a pack of gum per day when it gets really bad is still cheaper than your so-called sliding scale.
Always knew there was a reason for the cross-town rivalry, and, you, you just add to it.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
It's time I actually finish one of my three works-in-progress (WIP). I've got NaNo09, AugNo09, and NaNo10 to work on. NaNo09, I kid you not, is hidden under the mattress, since my mother found it last summer and "read" one scene and has since made wild accusations (like usual). I'm not bothering to correct her. AugNo09 is back story for one of my characters in NaNo09, since he was too flat. NaNo10 is actually a re-drafting of a novel I started before NaNo09.
This is the banner for NaNo 2009:
The Banner for NaNo 2010:
I am playing around with different ideas: (a) shifting temporarily the focus of this blog, (b) shutting down the wordpress and (c) using my professional email to start a writing blogspot, or (d) putting my work on Xanga and thereby shifting the entire focus of that blog.
I like the Wordpress since it gets different traffic, but it doesn't have the instant built-in community setting of Xanga, nor am I able to protect my writing from copycats. I could shut down the Wordpress and open a defunct blog on my other email just for writing purposes and have it readable by invite-only which is only slightly less controlled than Xanga. I could, lastly shift the focus of my current Xanga blog to writing.