Looking at 2007

At this time of year, people start to reflect on the past year.

I figure, why look back? Christ calls us to follow Him in every part of our lives: as children of Him and our parents, as relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, daughters, sons), as active members of society, and so forth. Therefore, if He leads us forward, what need have we to look back? Surely, we should not look back longingly.

Looking ahead at my new, clean and blank slate...I see the need for a New Year's Resolution. The one I made for 2006 was to have read, understand and applied a passage to my life: Ephesians 4: 31 - 5: 20. This year, I know what I am looking for, but not exactly where it is in the New Testament. That's why I'm posting about it, but not typing it out for you. It's along the lines of Philippians 4: 4 and Ephesians 6: 18 - 20; however, it is the passage where we're instructed to pray without ceasing, praise and supplication in all things. In all, I think its not more than 2 verses! I have to read/skim to find it.

A-hunting I will go! ... Well, after I take the GRE exam this Saturday morning.

A Blessed New Year's to you!!
Do you have resolution(s) to make?

Musings

It is difficult for me to adjust and realize that people are beautiful because the Spirit of Christ dwells within, instead of seeking out phyiscal beauty.

I should realize that I am lower than the average person because I sin in full acknowledgment of the Lord.

As a daughter of God, a friend of Christ, and a potential Bride of the Spirit, I am to be the servant of any and every person with whom I come in contact.

Christ took on the Cross for me that I might have eternal life in Him. Now I must take up the cross so He might have eternal life in me.

Mass and revelations

I always pursued child development and sociology rather blindly because it was a good field and somewhat interesting to me.

I now know that I entered the right field of study. God told me so on Saturday night.

I was able to attend Mass Sunday evening, and found that I did not like the Mass that I usually attend: there was little mention of Advent. The only sign it was the Advent season was the purple drop cloth behind the altar, but the hymns were not one of reverence, or longing for Christ, rather they were the up-beat ones the 5pm Mass has adopted in order to draw in the youth. I'm thinking of the other Masses, to try and see which one I would prefer, maybe the 9am or 10:45am Mass. 10:45 am is more likely as it shouldn't interrupt the family's breakfast routine. Of course there is always the option of a 7:30am Mass, but I don't think the reception of that would be any warmer than the shift to a 10:45am attendance.

"To Serve Him in a Concrete Life"

A vocation, then, is nothing other than God's call to serve Him in a concrete state in life, and we can say that every person has his vocation - a concrete, personal path to reach God, very much his own and intransferable. By way of example your specific vocation is to be a Christian (many people are not Christians) in the world (many choose to be religious or priests) rooted in a particular soceity, with a specific profession (engineering instead of others) marked by and indissoluble reality (marriage to a particular woman) and given an apostolic dimension in a Movement called Regnum Christi (and not another). All of this makes up your vocation, very different to mine and very different also to your closest friends'.

You have to accepth your personal vocation fully in all its dimensions. It would be a deception to say: "I'll be a good husband" and "I won't bother about my faith"' or "I'll be a good career-man" and "I will not be faithful to my marriage"; or "I'll be a good husband and a good career man but I will forget about my Christian life and my commitment to God in the Movement". I would be like an engineer who took artihmetic but skipped trigonometry, and thought he was a good engineer.

To Serve Him in a Concrete State in Life
from teh letter of February 17, 1981
Fr. Marcial Maciel, LC

2 itty-bitty thoughts

Two recurring, insignificant thoughts.

1. Married people have thier whole lives to learn everything about thier spouse: their face, their manners, etc. People with a vocation don't get to meet the One they love until they die.
   
2. Lowly shepherds were told by angels to go meet and worship the Shepherd.

Healing Eternally Offered

Jeremiah 33: 6-9
Behold, I will treat and assuage the city's wounds; I will heal them, and reveal to them an abundance of lasting peace. I will change the lot of Judah and the lot of Israel, and rebuild them as of old. I will cleanse them of all the guilt they incurred by sinning against me; all their offenses by which they sinned and rebelled against me, I will forgive. Then Jerusalem shall be my joy, my praise, my glory, before all the nations of the earth, as they hear of all the good I will do among them. They shall be in fear and trembling over all the peaceful benefits I will give her.

I Scourge the Body Electric

By Brian Pessaro

The light on my alarm clock says 5:30 a.m. I rub my eyes with disbelief that I’m up at such a godforsaken hour. I stand in front of my dresser for what seems like eternity as I struggle against my desire to crawl back under the covers. In the end, I conquer… sort of.
In the darkness of our bedroom from beneath the comforter comes the voice of my half-asleep wife, “Don’t even think about resetting your alarm. Go run.” I groan and head to the bathroom to get changed. I pull on my sweatpants and sweatshirt and don my scarf, gloves, and wool cap. It’s about 35 degrees on this cold December morning. Apparently, Tallahassee never got the memo that it’s in Florida. Downstairs in the living room, I stretch my aching muscles. When I was younger, they would ache after my workout. Now they ache before I begin, as if they’re anticipating the punishment I’m about to inflict on them.

I make the sign of the cross and whisper a prayer. 'Lord Jesus Christ, I offer up to you this cold shower in penance for my sins.' The first mile of my run is always the slowest, but by the second I’m warming up and finding my groove. On the third mile I pass by the lake and shiver at the thought of being in water that cold. By the fourth mile I’ve increased my stride, and my kneecaps feel like they’re about to explode. I see the final part of my route up ahead, a long hill. I feel tempted to walk, but I resist the urge and sprint with the last bit of energy I have. At the top, I slow to a trot and then to a walk and catch my breath. Despite the frosty weather, my back is drenched in sweat. As I climb the steps to my front porch, I give myself a pat on the back for working through the pain.

I’m sure many people, even non-joggers, could relate to what I’ve just described. When it comes to physical exercise, there is nothing particularly shocking about the old adage of no pain, no gain. What I do next though probably would shock a lot of people, or at a minimum, strike them as odd.

Back upstairs in the bathroom, I stand naked outside the shower door. Before entering, I make the sign of the cross and whisper a prayer. “Lord Jesus Christ, I offer up to you this cold shower in penance for my sins. I also offer it up as a prayer for…” I state the name of the person and intention for which I am praying, and then I open the door and step into the shower.
The fact that this practice shocks people says something about our priorities. Because I’m still hot with sweat, the initial burst of water is a shock, but I get used to it. The water isn’t so much cold as it is cool. I have it at about 70 percent cold. After I finish washing, I put my hand on the handle bar that controls the temperature. I take a deep breath and crank it the rest of the way to 100 percent cold. There’s about a two second gap where the last of the warmer water clears out of the pipes, and then it hits me. I gasp as the water stings my flesh like a hundred ice cold needles. This final part of my ritual doesn’t last long. I say four prayers, an Our Father, a Hail Mary, a Glory Be, and finally the prayer to St. Michael the Archangel.

Tempting though it is to rush through the words and be done with it, I force myself to say them at a normal pace. “St. Michael the Archangel defend us in battle. Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him we humbly pray. And do thou O prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God, cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls.” At the end of the prayer, I turn off the water and dry off to get ready for work.

Corporal mortification received a lot of press recently thanks to The Da Vinci Code. In the weeks leading up to the film’s release, there was a cornucopia of news stories about Opus Dei, and in almost every one of them, the topic would eventually turn to corporal mortification. Inevitably the story would include a picture or a demonstration of the cilice, a spiked metal chain worn by the celibate members of Opus Dei around their upper thigh for two hours a day, and/or the “discipline,” a cordlike whip used once a week against the back or buttocks while reciting a brief prayer. It became so commonplace that I started referring to that part of the report as the money shot.

When I offer up my suffering from a cold shower, it’s out of love not fear. Putting aside that The Da Vinci Code’s portrayal of corporal mortification was as inaccurate as it was lurid, the fact that this practice shocks people says something about our priorities. In our society, it’s considered perfectly normal to mortify our bodies so long as the reason is secular and the goal is physical. No one bats an eye at cosmetic plastic surgery, Botox, tattoos, and body piercing. Even physical fitness taken to extremes is looked upon as almost de rigeur. I’m all for staying in shape, but when I see joggers here in Florida sweating in 95 degree heat during their run at lunch hour, I have to wonder: Are you trying to have a stroke?None of these examples are controversial. Titillating perhaps, but not controversial. But if you perform corporal mortification for religious reasons, to achieve some spiritual good, you’re an oddball. To borrow an analogy from Boston College professor Peter Kreeft and give it a twist, if I were to announce at a cocktail party that I just got my tongue pierced, I would be surrounded by an eager crowd of spectators. But if I were to announce that each morning before work I take a cold shower as a religious ritual, I would soon be talking to myself.

So why do I practice corporal mortification? First, I do it to identify with the sufferings of Christ. By his Passion, Jesus Christ redeemed the world for all eternity. But because he opened himself to all human suffering, including mine, I can share in his redemptive work. That is why I can say with St. Paul that “…in my flesh I complete what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the Church” (Col. 1:24).

The second reason is to cultivate virtue. Most of us who grew up Catholic are familiar with the phrase “Offer it up.” As a child I was taught that in some mysterious way my suffering could be offered up to God as a prayer, and he would use it to help someone else. What I didn’t realize was that he would also use my suffering to transform me.

This reality became clearer to me when I became a father. Recently, my daughter broke one of my neighbor’s lawn ornaments. Although she’s only 3-1/2, there was punishment, or if you like, penance—she lost her book and story privileges for a week. When I tucked her in the first night, she wailed because story time is her favorite activity. But the next night, she looked at me and said, “No books or story tonight Daddy. I’ll listen next time.” In her own innocent way, she accepted her suffering and offered it back to me as a gift, and that gift transformed her into a more virtuous person.

If I, as my children’s earthly father, use penance to build up goodness in them, how much more will our heavenly Father use penance to shape us into the sons and daughters he wants us to be for all eternity? That’s what many people don’t understand about corporal mortification. When I offer up my suffering from a cold shower, it’s out of love not fear. It’s not an attempt to punish myself in order to dodge God’s wrath. It’s my way of asking him to transform me into the son he wants me to be.

My body has gotten used to cold showers. It’s the interior mortifications that I struggle with the most. The third reason why I practice corporal mortification is to be liberated from evil. Yes my body is sacred, but it’s also a rebel waging a civil war against my soul. Either I learn how to keep my passions and appetites under control, or they will control me. Too often when temptation comes, I find myself echoing the words of St. Paul: “I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” (Rom. 7:15) These conflicts permeate all aspects of my daily life from the serious to the petty.

For example, my boss’s secretary keeps a tin of chocolates on her desk for the staff. On several occasions, I’ve begun my day with the intent that I would fast from sweets for a particular prayer intention. But by three o’clock, I’ am distracted to the point of becoming a chocoholic version of Gollum and Smeagol from Lord of the Rings—“Must have the precious!” Unlike the One Ring though, there’s nothing evil about that piece of chocolate. It won’t do me any good to go on a perilous journey to Pennsylvania and cast the One Chocolate into the fires of Mt. Hershey from whence it came.

That illustrates the fourth reason why I practice corporal mortification—to build perseverance. If I can’t resist something as inconsequential as a piece of chocolate, how am I going to be able to resist real temptation when it comes my way? These little acts of self denial build spiritual endurance in the same way my morning runs build physical endurance.
Finally, I practice corporal mortification to remind myself that this world isn’t heaven. I live a very comfortable suburban life. Other than the occasional illness, pain and suffering are not part of my daily experience. Almost anything I want is at my fingertips—something as simple as a glass of filtered water with ice cubes or something as complex as music downloads from Napster. These are good things, but the danger of having all these creature comforts is that I’ll start to get too attached to this world and its false idols—money, power and lust. I’ll fall into the trap of thinking this is my permanent home, when it’s not. Corporal mortification rouses my senses and reminds me that in regard to this “earthly city,” to use St. Augustine’s term, I am but a sojourner in a strange land.

Think of a husband and father denying himself the pleasure of an extra hour’s sleep for the sake of his wife and children. As morbidly fascinating as things like cilices, disciplines, and cold showers might be to the uninitiated, the truth is that exterior mortification is a piece of cake compared to interior mortification. To be completely honest, my body has gotten used to cold showers. It’s the interior mortifications that I struggle with the most. Like my need to cultivate the virtue of patience and kill my selfish preoccupation with “my time”, as if there really were such a thing. What makes this type of mortification so difficult is that when the occasions to practice it arise, they usually involve situations over which I have no control. Cold showers may be uncomfortable, but at least I’m the one controlling the temperature. What’s more, they usually arise at moments when I’m at my weakest, like when I’m hitting every single red light on my way home from work after I’ve already had a rough day. Or getting a phone call from someone just as I’m sitting down to finally read that book I’ve been dying to get to. Or having to rock my son at 3 a.m. because he’s gasping and wheezing with croup, and there’s nothing I can do to console him.

So do me a favor if you happen to read or watch The Da Vinci Code. When you get to the scene where Silas is flagellating himself to a bloody pulp at his “luxurious brownstone residence on the Rue La Bruyère,” after committing the mortal sin of murder and planning to go out and do it again, think of this real life scene instead. Think of a husband and father denying himself the pleasure of an extra hour’s sleep in order to exercise and stay healthy for his wife and children. Think of this same man denying himself the pleasure of a warm shower in order to grow in the virtue of self-discipline. The cold water bouncing off his head and shoulders remind him that sin causes pain, and he reflects on the pain he has caused others through his own lack of self-discipline. He carries that thought with him the rest of the day so that later that evening when his family needs him and he is tempted to be selfish with “his time”, he’ll remember the icy pain from that morning shower, and he will put their needs ahead of his own. When you can picture that, only then will you begin to understand corporal mortification.

Source

Mary Lifts My Mood

Remeber oh most Blessed Virgin Mary that never was it known, that anyone who fled to your protection, implored your help, or sought your intercession, was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, we fly unto thee, oh virgin of virgins, our Mother. To you do we come, before you we stand, sinful and sorrowful. Oh mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not our petitions, but in your mercy, hear and answer them.

Amen.

... it's my own fault I'm tired

I wish I had insomnia, that way I'd have a reason to be tired. As tired and stressed out I am regarding impending finals and graduate school application deadlines, I do not want to sleep.

Simply put in case you don't think you've read it correctly: I do not want to sleep.

Part of it is being worried that I'd end up with something like this. In that post it is not clearly stated, but I don't want spiritual attacks in the wee hours of the morning for things that I could not openly defy my mother on without severe consequences. What are the consequences? I do not even want to know!

Santeria & Catholicism

Friday, Mom and Monkey went out shopping and I stayed home to start on my homework. I was at the computer printing out tables for my Society and Population class when Dad sat down. He handed me the mail package that Sr. Rita had sent 2 weeks ago. She had accidentally put the "Adorers Blood of Christ Vocation Office" mail address sticker on it. I had to convince Dad that it was not a vocation packet, but an appitude test that would tell me about my strenghts and weaknesses, which it does. Dad said I was "lucky" that he picked up the mail the day that the package had arrived and not mom. He said that "a vocation would be a very bad idea."

I thought that was going to be all I had to be afraid of for the weekend. It wasn't, on Friday I was also told that we (monkey, mom, and I) were going to take Gramma shopping so we could find a coat to purchase for her and package as a Christmas gift for her. What a rouse! We went instead, on Sunday, to the Santero for a supposed half-hour. That half-hour was a whopping 5 hours.

First I had to wear a white skirt ( I don't know why) and knock on a door three times, state my full name, say that I was coming for orula and why (peace, happiness, longevity, health, and everything else that my family wants). I had to repeat that three times. Then I had to sit in a chair and one of the three santeros present shook a handful of seeds about the size of ku-kui nuts in his hand ending up with 2 or 1 (2 was marked in the sand of shallow pan as 1, and 1 was marked as 2). The pan was wood and carved into the x axis of it was a cross, the other side a skull; on the y axis a sun, the other end a moon. They spent about 3 to 4 hours with me doing that. They said it was a "horoscope for the lifespan," and they recorded my name and my horoscope in a book. I was supposed to shake a rock and a shell in my hands and "divine" which set of marks in the pan from the seeds was true. It was fun, I switched off: one time it was the rock, the next time the shell, then the rock. Back and forth, back and forth. All the while I did not mentally ask the "gods" for anything, but instead prayed over and over. The more I prayed, the less things made sense to the santeros. Finally they were done, and had gone through the process 3 times, each one making less sense than the next.

Secondly, the things that were "divined" were all negative (Satan can only predict what he will do, not God, for God's will is only known to God and those who discern). Recall, C.S. Lewis' Screwtape Letters where it is said that the Father Below views all the Father in Heaven does as negative and bad? I was repeatedly told all the bad things that would happen in my life, and that I had a very negative presence in my room -- of course Satan would view the presence of Our Lord and Savior as negative -- He's quite the opposite of what the Devil wants! That made me happy.

Monkey's process only took about an hour in comparison; furthermore the santero said that she should get involved in their "religion." The only reason Santeria is considered a religion is because the U.S. Supreme Court deemed it as such when a santero was prosecuted for animal cruelty -- live animal sacrifices. Then we were brought back to the room together, to kiss and praise the objects of elegua, the main "god" and objects that "housed" the 2 other gods. I could not say no, Mom was watching. Then I was given a bracelet and necklace of green and yellow beads that was meant to keep me "safe" from evil. I will not wear such a thing. In fact, while I did not outright say "I denounce this," I did walk straight to mom while she was wrapping up the bead necklaces, took off the bracelet and necklace and refused to wear it. I told her "no." It felt good, but I knew it would cause trouble.

I told mom that I have my religion, she has hers. "I do not drag you into my different activities on-campus (i.e., the Catholic Center, InterVarsity Christian Fellowship), please do not involve me in yours. That is your religion, this is mine. Please do not involve me ever again. I did not like that at all." That is verbatim. Mom had the nerve to ask why I was upset. She said that this "religion" was "true" and that it was the "only one that really worked." Furthermore, she said "it is not pagan, it is not counter to Christianity; it has saints and a god." Sound familiar to anyone? But the fun does not stop there: she said the Roman Catholic Church was a cult. (I'm not joking). The woman who has no idea what in Blazing Hell a cult is, called the Church a cult. I screamed at her: "that's 1.1 Billion people!! Go to St. John Fisher this evening, walk to the pulpit and tell everyone in the pews that they are a cult. Go on, tell them!!" She didn't like that. Then she attacked me for making Aaron's quilt. [Sorry. I need to explain the purpose of that quilt here for Xanga: I need to thank a lot of people here online for helping me after the cult. After I left, I found Mike and Aaron online, the two of you in addition to other people here on Xanga helped me immensely. Meanwhile, my own father said "so what. Just get your grades back up" when I had told him that I'd left a cult. My family was not there for me, but the majority of you were. Therefore the quilt is both congratulatory for your impending ordination as a priest, and the only way I have of thanking anyone.] So mom, in the JCPenny parking lot by that time, said the quilt was sacrilege and an affair.

She throws every barb at me. One of these days she will say something so hurtful I won't come back to her. I am not a boomerang. She will one day push me so far away I will never return. Then, she will do it to Monkey; I don't think Monkey is a boomerang either. Anyway, she eventually calmed down. I have taken all vocation materials out of my room and carry them now in my backpack daily. I want to find time this week to go talk to Fr. Lawrence about this; I have to talk about it. It's getting very difficult to discern at home, especially when I increasingly seem to be the only Catholic at home. I am the only Catholic, and I am the only practicing Catholic at home. I am taking a lot of heat.

God rewarded me with rain this morning (I LOVE the rain) and a gorgeous sunset last night. But I did yell at Him when I had some alone time in the car last night. I had to drive to Long's Drug store and make some photocopies for a homework packet. I said that He's got to help me out a lot here at home because if His people endure these kind of things, no wonder He's got so few things --- just like ..um.. St. Terese Avila, right?

There was a point where all of yesterday was so funny, to seal the ritual, we were supposed to stand on our left foot and hop around in a circle counter-clockwise. I wanted to laugh out loud, but that's when Monkey threw up on an empty stomach.

I was finally happy last night, well, maybe less fearful as everyone went to bed. I stayed up to finish homework, and clear vocation materials from my room into my backpack. Before my shower, as I turned on the faucet to heat the water, I realized how dependent on God I am; how I choose to be dependent, and that is the problem with people: they never want to be dependent. I am controlling personality, but less so when I am with God.

Is this adulthood?

*sigh*
Remind me again why I thought recieving vocation information in the mail would be to my benefit? Dad has consficated my mail, and that is why I did not recieve any of the last three packages that were sent to me. I have 1 from earlier, and Dad gave me 1 more about an hour ago. Where are the other 2?
I need to find a way to get myself a PO box

Santeria ... Thought I could put that behind me, but mom and Gramma have another "session" planned for Sunday. Wish I could be like Phillip in Acts, he's plucked out of an event and into another.
And my parents freak when I'm Christain, and my mom dabbles in voodoo? Twisted priorities.

Quilt Block Poetry

Sitting in Grandmother's flower garden
looking at flying geese
to the clucking of duck and ducklings.
Remorseful over loss of the
previous night's fox and geese scuffle.
Wishing to meet Sunbonnet Sue
under the Tree of Life
working on her whole cloth,
and I on Stepping Stones
with Calico cats at our feet.
In the yard as pinwheels turn
the young children act crazy
after being squared away all morning long.
At this Arkansas crossroads,
there's gossip of Kansas troubles,
wedding rings, bachelor's puzzle over the single Irish.
Town florist orders Rose of Sharon,
cactus flower, and lillies.
Jacob's up on the ladder,
helping with the brain raisin'.
Jack's in the Pulpit
preaching about Joseph's coat.
Life moves slowly on
like a turning Kaliedscope here.

*these are actual quilt block names: Kaliedscope, Joseph's coat, Jack-in-the-pulpit, Barn raising (form of Log Cabin), Jacob's ladder, cactus flower, lilies (various), Rose of Sharon, Single Irish, Bachelor's Puzzle, Kansas Troubles, Arkansas crossroads, Square in a Square, crazy patchwork, Pinwheels, Calico Cats, Stepping Stones, Sunbonnet Sue, Tree of Life, whole cloth (no patchwork), Duck and Duckling, Fox and Geese, Flying Geese, and Grandmother's Flower Garden.

There are so many quilt blocks, I could do this again. Fun & creative. Sounds kind of good for Thanksgiving as well.

• Flying Geese: passage of time, better things ahead
• patchwork: take things apart only to put them back together again; mosaic of experiences
• whole cloth: unity, elaborate, simple
• Fox and Geese: adversarial relationships always exist; be alert
• Duck and Duckling: mommies, relationships, cute to watch
• Tree of Life: purpose, life is given, redemption
• Jack-in-the-pulpit: vocations? lessons to be learned in life whether you want them or not
• Kaleidscope: life keeps moving, always with beautiful outcomes
• Barn Raising: Support of community, financial security, roof above one's head
• Jacob's Ladder: keep on moving no matter how difficult the road is, God is always there for you to reach out towards
• Cactus Flower, Rose of Sharon, Lillies: beauty, blessedness, purity, naturality
• Bachelor's Puzzle: humor
• Kansas Troubles: be thankful you don't have the always more severe problems and conflicts that others endure; there's always someone with more struggles, more hardship
• Square in a Square: order does exist
• Crazy patchwork: go on and have a little fun, there's an order to the madness (colors can't clash too much)
• Stepping Stones: there is a definite pathway and reason even if you cannot see it in the darkness
• Sunbonnet Sue: the sun will rise tomorrow, sunshine on your shoulders actually does make you happy, go on and wear the outfit that makes you feel great
• Arkansas crossroads: Robert Frost's "The Road Less Traveled"
• Grandmother's Flower Garden: matured beauty, stability
• Pinwheels: winds of change do blow; joy of children

Happy Thanksgiving
&
May God Bless

Nuns with veils and blogs are right up my alley

I like this article. It is four pages long, but I love the fact that convents are growing again. If only we could see such vitality and numbers of men enter the seminaries again. Article. Grabbed it from Starting Afresh from Christ.

Politics and Religion

A friend of mine recently wrote a letter to the university paper contrasting the common support for an MBA student wanting to be Mr. Gay International with the "reality" of Christendom. Both her letter and the lash back as been brutal. Christians across campus are under a literary attack for holding "abhorrent" views about deviant sexual practices and orientation. It is quite something else to see this all unfold, and quietly settle down. Of all the attacking letters, none was to support my friend. I should have, but I did not. Perhaps that is my failure, or it paved the way for a stronger article in the paper printed yesterday taking all to task. For my friend's letter only stated the immorality of homosexuality, but not a mention of our own sinfulness or of our lovingkindness.

This evening the Catholic Center is holding a "Java with Jesus" (similar to Theology on Tap) and I suspect that it is in response to the spat of letters that my friend started, for the scheduled topic at hand is "Religion and Politics." Other than the Catholics, attending will also be the Lutherans and Episcopalians. This ought to be interesting.

I know that it is difficult to keep religion out of politics especially as politicians seek to make what is religious into the profane ... does that make sense? They want to take religion and descerate it; same with life (abortion and eugenics), research (stem cells from adults versus embryos), and so forth. While we have free will, Christians are also forewarned that upon our hands will be the blood of those whom we did not spread the Word and keep them from sin (Ezekiel 3:16-19). However our motivation to save those who do not yet know and love Christ is not the future of our own souls, but knowing the joy and peace of Christ we should naturally want others to know what we know, and love what we love. Quite frankly the question should not be how to keep religion out of politics, but how to keep politics out of religion. See, when Christ says "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life" He is that, and we need to believe and act in that manner. Christ needs to penetrate into every fiber of our being and be present in all that we say, think, and do. Therefore, it is impossible to keep our faith out of politics. But politics needs to stay out of religion, it cannot try to convince us that we are not politically correct in our convictions and such.
Repeating the same messages time and again, I feel like a broken record.

True Musings

I'm trying not to make this post achingly similar to Xanga, as that is basically my venting and brain vomit web page; all my life is on that page. But recently my life has been consumed with two foci: God and school.

God
It feels like I am in a relationship -- mainly because I am. But there are those mornings that all starts out well, and then parents get in your way. Hopefully some of you can reach back into your young adulthood memory banks and find some inkling. I have been unofficially wearing the brown scapular this week, because I found it hidden in my dresser about a year ago. I've been wearing it and my clothes hide it well because I heave modest necklines and clothing overall. My mom picks at it, when it looked like a bra strap, this morning over the kitchen counter. Who in thier right mind think it is okay to pick at people's clothing? So I love my relationship with God, especially when I can look at the Crucifix on my wall and harshly (and yet still lovingly) whisper to Him "I can't stand them: I can't go to Mass, I get harrassed for the Rosay, the Bible, and the Scapular! I can't love you when I'm bound!" It was momentary frustration, but I am alright with it. I'd rather have frustrations with God, showing that my relationship is growing than to have it stagnate.

Don't I have enough with my relationship with God? Therefore I almost don't want to think about Sr. Marianne who suggested that I date and develop a male - boyfriend relationship to make sure that I am not using the "sisterhood" to escape one thing or another. I love my relationship with God, but I want it to be so much better.

Recently I had doubts about discernment and if I was on the right path, but I have been thinking since monday night that if I was not meant to follow God in some capacity of self-sacrifice, then all the discernment meetings would not work out perfectly each time (since I have a Research Assistant-ship meeting at the same time). Does that make sense: if I am meant to go attend these discernment meetings everything would perfectly fall into place; if they weren't God would hedge me in somehow?

School
Well I am busy with my research assistant-ship, and I am trying to study for the GREs. Someone must have forgotten to send me the memo sayingthat my parents have the authority to tell thier 22 year old daughter she can no longer attend Mass on Sundays, and instead be sequestered to her room for GRE prep. The GREs are important, but not so that they usurp my time with God. Therefore, I've been praying rosaries, writing about religion and God (i.e., this post and others), wearing the scapular, reading the Bible more, etc. The issue has always been between my parents and I is a difference in priorities. They favor education and a comfortable lifestyle. I want God, a less cluttered lifestyle, and to do what I love - which is psychology. So I've been looking at my mess of options and confusion.

Yesterday in class we were discussing how to figure out how to combine our study areas with our passions, so I realized that I could do a lot with psychology and Catholicism/religion: apologetics, pastoral counseling, Christian/Catholic counseling, teaching, etc. I just don't know if I can tell a shut door from an open one at this moment.

When the Lord is a priority in your life, He pervades in every aspect of it from school, study, driving, language, etc.

Scrambled Thoughts for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

self-reflection
introspection
self-analysis

however you plan to define it, to label it, to name it; it never does yourself much good. It's a bad idea, usually.

Conflict - how is it that I understand conflict better than calm, cool rationalizations? Perhaps because the emotions are raw, expressed and immediately understood. With rationality I have to peel the layers of one's emotional onion in order to truly see the truth; no one is ever truly objective.

AMERICA, GO VOTE

What else am I supposed to do?

A part of me wants to apologize for the last post, but I figure that I shouldn't since that issue will arise again in the future, and I'll always be bothered by the fact that I don't have my brother, let alone his grave to mourn at. It's a raw issue and unlikely to be resolved until I die.

"The Little Portion" has a proposal, here. While I cannot do all of it, I'm praying the rosary and fasting.

Everyone that I've gotten the courage to talk to about my brother is at a loss for words and can't think of a thing to say to help comfort me. I hope that maybe that loss of words and silence will help people begin to understand just how deep abortion cuts, and just how many people are in pain because of it.

Some Wounds Last for Time Immortal

It has been a while since I last posted on a live political issue - about one semester actually and I don't believe that I have done so here on the Blogger since I started posting on this particular page. I've done so on Xanga because I wanted to only write about religious and faith-based issues here.

Proposition 85 will make it illegal for an unemancipated minor to have an abortion until 48 hours after the attending physician is able to notify the minor's parent or legal guardian except in medical emergencies or parental waivers. The minor is able to get a court order waiving this notice based on presentation of convincing evidence that the minor is mature, or that failure to notify would be in the minor's best overall interests. This proposition mandates the physician to keep records stating how many abortions he/she has performed on minors; any violations by the physician results in monetary damages. There are legal consequences if the minor's consent to the abortion is coerced.

Literally: a minor can be authorized to kill another minor; children killing children.

Prayers can be found here.

Look, I know the issue is politically charged; when is an issue in American society not politically charged? I have more difficulty in these issues to argue with fact than with emotions. I do not not know how to emotionally withdraw myself from the argument long enough to have a coherent, factual comeback.

What I think abortion is:

• cowardly - to think that a child is a major problem, therefore a woman scapegoats a blameless child. The child is not the issue at hand, it is the mother who decides to be impure, to make it a financial convenience for herself, who gives into the social pressures from her family, or the father.
• murder - life begins when the soul begins, both of which begin with conception. Therefore a mother is killing her child.
• cheating/theivery - it robs siblings, period cohorts, family relatives, etc from getting the chance to know this child; it acts against God's will and plan for the child's life. Who is the mother to get in the way of the Lord's plan?
• evil - it counteracts God's will. It's full of death, loss, grief, pain; none of which can be consoled or healed by time. It haunts the mother, and later, those who become aware of the person they were refused to become acquainted with.
• making the rest of us born after 1973 survivors.
• a topic that I keep revisiting since I found out 3 years ago about my brother. In a need to make him human, to add dignity to the life that was taken from him by our parents, I named him: Joseph. I will not be made quiet on this topic. I will not be silent: emotionally, mentally, vocally, actively. It will never end, unless abortion ends.
• a preemptive strike on a life before "it" has a chance.

Sancte Spiritus

Jesus said to his disciples:“I have come to set the earth on fire, and how I wish it were already blazing! There is a baptism with which I must be baptized, and how great is my anguish until it is accomplished! Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division. From now on a household of five will be divided, three against two and two against three; a father will be divided against his son and a son against his father, a mother against her daughter and a daughter against her mother, a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.”
Luke 12: 49-53
This sounds like my household. According to my family I need to move away from the Christian stuff because, and I quote, "it is not attractive." It's not attractive to who - apparently to friends, family, and it has the "potential" to scare away men who'd otherwise be possible mates. Yeah, because I really don't want to marry a Catholic man (if God wants me to marry, that is). I don't want a Catholic in terminology only, in family tradition only (I've gotten enough of that from my parents). If I marry, I want a full-blooded, attending Mass at least every Sunday, let's help the homeless kind of Catholic ... oh wait, we call those kind of men priests.

Speaking of the Holy Spirit (as in the Gospel):
If there was a place to be last night it was Taper Hall 201 with InterVarsity Trojan Christian Fellowship. We typically end around 9pm, but they were still praising when I left at 9:30pm to head home. Chante spoke last night about our #3 man -- the Holy Spirit. I don't know how to express the evening: holy, awesome, awe-inspiring, FUN, Spirit-filled, great, glorious, blessed, etc. I usually take notes on wednesday nights. I stopped halfway through because it was better to just listen than to blindly jot down words without digesting them. We were addressing the baptism of the Holy Spirit as it's addressed in Acts 1:1-14, 2:2-21. The main points that Chante spoke off last night was how recieving the Holy Spirit is a GIFT God bestows on us at a moment when we are ready for it in our lives (Acts 1:4 Christ commands the apostles to wait and stay in Jerusalem to recieve the gift of the Holy Spirit); that with the Holy Spirit we recieve POWER in the Name of Christ, and it enables us to WITNESS and testify of Christ to, essentially, all the ends of the earth.

When there is a powerful message it is rare that there are few/no people tearing up by the end of the evening. I know I was, but unlike most times I haven't the slightest idea why. I don't know to what part of me the Spirit was acting on, but I know He was in the room. Chante said that God wants to give us this gift, and that we will recieve our appropriate gift if we ask, knock, seek, and remain persistent in our quest. So, I asked God that He turn an interest of mine into a gift of the Spirit. I have to wait and see.

As we were praising after Chante spoke, Steve, one of the staff members grabbed a mic and told us that the band was going to play music, but there wouldn't be any words up on the screen -- God would put the words on our hearts and that was what we were to sing. It wasn't complete cacophony, noise at all; but it did reach a fever pitch.

Regarding the question I posed at the end of yesterday's entry, I want to answer myself. According to Chante who spoke last night, there are many people who have never heard of the name and message of Christ, and I don't know why I thought there wasn't anyone left. Many are in the Middle East, in need of such hope. She also spoke of herself and her friends who were able, through the Holy Spirit, to prophesy, cast out demons, raise up the dead, and speak in tongues; beyond words.

Can one claim bliss in spiritual ignorance these days?

Be sure of this: if the master of the house had known the hour when the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be broken into. You also must be prepared, for at an hour you do not expect, the Son of Man will come." Then Peter said, "Lord, is this parable meant for us or for everyone?" And the Lord replied, "Who, then, is the faithful and prudent steward whom the master will put in charge of his servants to distribute (the) food allowance at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom his master on arrival finds doing so. Truly, I say to you, he will put him in charge of all his property. But if that servant says to himself, 'My master is delayed in coming,' and begins to beat the menservants and the maidservants, to eat and drink and get drunk, then that servant's master will come on an unexpected day and at an unknown hour and will punish him severely and assign him a place with the unfaithful. That servant who knew his master's will but did not make preparations nor act in accord with his will shall be beaten severely; and the servant who was ignorant of his master's will but acted in a way deserving of a severe beating shall be beaten only lightly. Much will be required of the person entrusted with much, and still more will be demanded of the person entrusted with more.
Luke 12:39-48

So if you know your Master's will and disregard it, you're in a pot of hot water, but if you don't know your Master's will and still do poorly, you're okay? Carrying on the metaphor, you can boil that down to 'ignorance is bliss'? Is this like Ezekiel 3:16-19 where the (spiritual) watchmen are held responsible for people who don't turn from thier wicked ways because they were not informed, versus the people who willingly remain wicked although they have heard the Truth that is to come?

Does the "ignorance is bliss" still stand spiritually today, or is the Word widespread enough that people do not live for Christ because they choose not to do so within thier hearts and minds?

Meta-Analysis of Religion's Role in Cohabitation Trends

Meta-Analysis of Religion’s Role in Cohabitation Trends

For millennia the Judeo-Christian teachings were unquestioningly followed by the faithful, however in the last century many societal and cultural shifts in secular society have affected these teachings. Some such changes include the more egalitarian distribution of household labor among men and women based on the women’s movement of the 1970s and it is explained away by stating that God created man and woman equal in his own likeness. New Bible translations with gender-neutral language render key masculine Scriptures meaningless. Fire-and-brimstone sermons have been replaced, and few parishioners truly believe in the existence of a place called “Hell” which defeats the purpose of rewarding the faithful with a heavenly paradise. Women are allowed to pastor in some denominations as if they were Biblically given charge of the people. Contraception is not seen as a method to hinder the completion of God’s will, but as a necessity to live out one’s own life. An attitude of individualism and materialism grips all congregations, whatever is socially acceptable with in secular society is sneaking its way into the pews.

Just how long is it until cohabitation is generally accepted by Christians, or is that moment already past? Cohabitation has become increasingly popular among singles and divorcees, and how believers react and accept, or reject, it affects the future commonality of the phenomenon as well as the future direction of which the Church will go. The social acceptability of cohabitation affects how the doctrines, teachings, and practices will change. Understanding the directionality that cohabitation will take with Christians could alter the rate of growth and demographics. It should be of particular interest to church leaders.

Literature Review
Cohabitation occurs among unmarried and heterosexual couples. The most dramatic rise in cohabitation rates occurred during the 1980s and 1990s so that the 1994 rate was seven times the 1970 rate (Cohan and Kleinbaum, 2002; Smock, 2000). One-half of young adult men and women have a high probability to cohabitate at some pint in their lives so as many as one-half of marriages are preceded by cohabitation (Brown, 2000; Smock, 2000; Stolzenberg, Blair-Loy, and Waite, 1995). A third of all cohabiting relationships end in the first five years (Smock, 2000). Cohabitation arose in frequency in the 1960safter the advent of no-fault divorce, education and career paths take preference over family formation and childbearing which delays marriage (Smock, 2000; Thornton, 1985). The legitimatization of contraception, divorce, and premarital relations were all part of the cultural shifts that helped to usher in the social acceptability of cohabitation as a period of “flexibility and experimentation” (Thornton and Young-DeMarco, 2001; Brines and Joiner, 1999).

If cohabitation were training for marriages, those marriages preceded by cohabitation should be of a lower probability of dissolution. Popular opinion boasts that cohabitation in a natural stage between courtship and marriage to find the most compatible marriage partner (DeMaris and Vaninadha Rao, 1992). However only one-third of cohabiters are married within three years and the informal unions tend to be unstable (Booth and Johnson, 1988; Manning and Smock, 2002). One of the top predictors of marital separation and divorce is cohabitation. As cohabitation is historically untraditional it may attract individuals who are less compatible with the institution of marriage (DeMaris and Vaninadha Rao, 1992), and “lowers the threshold” for ending a relationship (Cohan and Kleinbaum, 2002, p181; Teachman, 2003). Cohabiters are more acceptable of and positively correlated with divorce (Axinn and Barber, 1997). Additionally the longer an individual cohabitates the less inclined one is to marriage and childbearing (Axinn and Barber, 1997). On the other hand, there are some benefits to the rise in cohabitation. As the age of marriage increases, fertility decreases, and divorce rates have stabilized, cohabitation has helped to offset some of these changes (Axinn and Barber, 1997). The age of formal first unions has risen, but if cohabitation is reframed as a nonmarital first union, then there is little increase in the age of first unions (Bumpass, Sweet, and Cherlin, 1991). The marriage decline is seen as offset by cohabitation of those how never marry and those who would otherwise remarry (Brown, 2000).

Individuals’ attitudes and behaviors are highly influenced by the groups they participate in and are affiliated (Cochran and Beeghley, 1991; Lehrer, 2004). Decisions are framed in a secular or religious context and this affects an individual’s preferences, and enables one to label a choice as positive or negative (Chaves and Montgomery, 1996; Curtis and Ellison, 2002). If one is religiously inclined then decisions are made based on what will bring positive rewards and negative punishments. Participation and adherence to the teachings of these groups are voluntarily followed, and they provide social networks (Brines and Joiner, 1999). Humans are social beings so the reactions and opinions of others socially influence one’s decision-making processes (Lehrer, 2004, Ellison, 1995). Religion and the family are positively related providing the family with social support, teachings that revolve around the goodness and sanctity of marriage relations, counseling, Bible study, and retreats; friends are likely to be religious and married as well (Pearce and Axinn, 1998). However, religion overall may be losing its moral authority over the family life.

Religious institutions condemn premarital intimacy, which is highly concurrent with cohabitation (Cochran and Beeghley, 1991; Teachman, 2003). There are teachings against premarital and post-divorce sexual intimacy as the holy books and doctrines show that sexual relations are pure and good within the banns of marriage (Call and Heaton, 1997; Philippians 4:8). Due to religious sanctions, the more intolerant a church is of a behavior, the less likely members are to engage in it (Cochran and Beeghley, 1991). These Judeo-Christian traditions believe and restrict sexual intimacy to married heterosexual couples (Cochran and Beeghley, 1991). Christians believe that as man and woman are created in the image and likeness of God, who is love; their joining in marriage is seen as very good in the eyes of God (CCC 1603-1604). Sexual intimacy leads to the unity of one flesh and a personal unity that “demands indissolubility” (CCC 1643-1644). Not only is sexual intimacy good with in the marriage, but that expression of conjugal lover requires that the marriage banns never break, therefore, if sexual intimacy occurs outside of marriage numerous sins have been committed. The word used to address pre- and extra-marital sexual relations is “lust” and in Greek, epithumos, with the “prefix epi meaning to add onto” the normal human sexual drive (Anderson, 2001). Adding onto a normal, God-give drive is morally disordering it so that the actions are sought for in and of itself, and not done for the good of society and the marriage (CCC 2351, 2353). Thus, it is strictly against God to have nonmarital sexual relations because the Scriptures states that the body is not for the immoral sexual intimacy, but for the Lord, and is a temple of the Holy Spirit (1Cor 6:13, 18-19). The price of this sin is death (1 Cor 7:8). Cohabitation is an invitation to the temptation to commit nonmarital sexual relations. As marriage has lost importance in society more emphasis is put onto freedom and different lifestyles such as cohabitation and inappropriate sexual relations outside of marriage (Thornton and Young-DeMarco, 2001). Church teachings question the ability of calling cohabitation a “free union”, as there is no commitment and a display of distrust that does not promote fidelity (CCC 2390-2391).

Macro level changes are occurring in the family and other institutions due in part to industrialization, economic growth, and technological advances. Religious institutions are losing their power as it is removed from other institutions such as school, and faith is more personal and individualized (Heaton and Pratt, 1990; Heaton and Cornwall, 1989; Thornton, 1985). Religious affiliation has a “modestly positive” impact on marriage and family life (Bahr and Chadwick, 1985 p 410). Religious attendance and involvement is of more importance than affiliation because few differences exist across denominations and affiliation maybe a more traditional choice and not reflect a lifestyle (Thornton and Camburn, 1989; Heaton and Pratt, 1990; Call and Heaton, 1997). As individualistic trends in religion increase, the institution (church, temple, and synagogue) is no longer seen as a moral instructor (Becker and Hofmeister, 2001; Cochran and Beeghley, 1991).

Hypothesis
Many changes have occurred in mainstream society in the last century, some of them very radical in the eyes of religious institutions’ core beliefs. These religious institutions have also changed, from the language and manners in which they celebrate their traditions and rituals to how they react to changes in secular society. Depending on the changes in society, are the religious like unchanging, unmoving to the winds of change, or do they flex and bend? Religion has been flexible to some extent, no longer requiring women to cover their heads inside the sanctuaries, and they have also remained adamant about such issues as the respect life movement. However, because so many changes in the macro level that influence attitudes about what the individual deserves and by right, should have, religious attitudes are overridden so the prevalence of cohabitation among the religious is nearly the same as secular society.
Findings and Analysis

In Figure 1 (Appendix 1) 94.4 women out of 715 self-reported to be cohabiting at the time of questioning. They reported on a number of variables, some of which included their own perceived religiosity and that of their male partner. Only 15 of the women (2.1%) of the women reported being religious, and even fewer men (1.9%). This disparity of religiosity may be due in part to the fact that not many cohabiting couples are religious to begin with, or because religious attendance and participation drops when individuals participate in activities that the religious institution frowns upon (Thornton and Camburn, 1989). Within cohabiting populations, there is decreased attendance in religious activities as the social group no longer approves of the couples’ behavior, and therefore the religiosity of the couples and the depth of their religiosity continue to decrease over time.

Attitudes toward premarital sexual relations are supposed to be reflective of one’s belief system because of one’s increased involvement within the religious institution, friends and other social contacts to reinforce the attitudes, and attitudes are best displayed in outward behavior (Thornton and Camburn, 1989; Chaves and Montgomery, 1996; Ellison, 1995; Cochran and Beeghley, 1991). However, looking at the relationship between the expressed attitudes and the passage of time, it can be seen that sexual attitudes no longer follow the strict guidelines and teachings of a faith, but more closely to that of secular society (Figure 2, Appendix 1). A slight decrease of 5% exists in the attitude in sexual permissiveness between 1982 and 1993 among Protestant Americans; however such a decrease is insignificant in relation to the differences between the percentage of permissiveness, 65.6%, and the percentage of premarital sexual relations being always wrong, 34.4% (Petersen and Donnenwerth, 1997). Secular society could be promoting these attitudes within the education system and through the media to such an extent that weekly attendances of religious activities are not nearly often enough to combat the infiltration of individualism and materialism. Secondly, the expression of these attitudes change over time, not only across generations, but within generations as religious attitudes become stronger as individuals mature and raise families of their own.

The importance of noting whether the data was collected among cohabiters whether the religion is an affiliation, or is of personal importance becomes clear when the individuals report that they are religious, but no evidence is given to what extent (Thornton and Camburn, 1989). The two largest factors in Table 1 (Appendix 1) is that out of the total population of singles, married couples, and cohabiting couples sampled, 541 Protestants and 303 Roman Catholics were reported as cohabiters, which is surprising due to the strict morals of the two denominations toward premarital relations and the sin of “living together.” Cohabiters only comprise a little more than one-third of the sample, but they have large percentages for Protestants (32.4%), Catholics (40%), and the un-affiliated (40%). If the data does not apply to those whose religiosity is due to tradition, but to those cohabiters who are actively involved in their congregations, that is a surprising amount because it goes directly against the tested and proven theories that religious behavior and attendance greatly influence one’s own behavior. When this data is combined with that of Figure 2, one can see just how much more individualized religion has become creating attitudes of accepting what one likes about the religion and discarding or ignoring the rest of the moral and spiritual restrictions. Furthermore, issues of causality and selectivity arise. The lessening of religious proscriptions could be influencing these behaviors in all parishioners, or only in a select few who were never strongly adhering to the teachings originally. Cohabiters may be selecting these religious affiliations for other reasons not examined within the context of previous studies, or the social acceptability of secular behaviors could be loosening the grip that religious institutions have over proscribing behavior.

Conclusion
Religious institutions have been morphing at an increasing rate bending to the secular attitudes and demands. Marriage and family life have changed accordingly, as well has the Church’s way of doing things, such as changing to the common vernacular and not performing services just for God, but for the people, too. All these changes occurred in the 1960s, just as family attitudes were changing to accommodate the increase in women in the labor force, and young adults were beginning to experiment with different living arrangements. As attitudes shifted from working and caring for others, religion became less of an adherence to an Authority and more for the benefit of the individual’s needs, wants, and desires. Religion, never meant to meet the needs of the people, but that of God, has fallen out of favor among those who seek their own needs and wants in material possessions and more personable lifestyles.

Numerous issues exist in the current research concerning the relationship between faith and current family formation trends. Namely, from what previous work does exist it only looks at religious affiliation, not involvement and at attitudes pertaining to premarital sexual relations. Little examination has occurred concerning the concurrency of sexual intimacy and cohabitation. National surveys oftentimes fail to give cohabitation its own designation and consolidate it in with “non family living” which includes such living arrangements as boarders and dormitories. Additionally, little is researched about the role religion has in the followers decision-making processes other than the positive or negative consequences that belie a decision on religious grounds.

References
Anderson, N. T. (2000) The Bondage Breaker. Harvest House Publishers: Eugene.

Axinn, W. G. and Barber, J. S. (1997) Living arrangements and family formation attitudes in early adulthood. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 59: 595-611.

Bahr, H. M. and Chadwick, B. A. (1985) Religion and the family in Middletown, USA. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 47: 407-414.

Becker, P. E. and Hofmeister, H. (2001). Work, family and religious involvement for men and women. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 40: 707-722.

Brines, J. and Joiner, K. (1999) The ties that bind: Principles of cohesion in cohabitation and marriage. American Sociological Review, 64: 333-355.

Brown, S. L. (2000) Union transitions among cohabitors: The significance of relationship assessment and expectations. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62: 833-846.

Call, R. A. and Heaton, T. B. (1997) Religious influence on marital stability. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 36: 382-392.

Chaves, M. and Montgomery, J. D. (1996) Rationality and the framing of religious choices. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 35: 128-144.

Cochran, J. K. and Beeghley, L. (1991) The influence of religion on attitudes toward nonmarital sexuality: A preliminary assessment of reference group theory. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 30:45-62.

Cohan, C. and Kleinbaum, S. (2002) Toward a greater understanding of the cohabitation effect: Premarital cohabitation and marital communication. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 64: 180-192.

Curtis K. T. and Ellison, C. G. (2002) Religious heterogamy and marital conflict: Findings, from the national survey of families and households. Journal of Family Issues, 23: 551-576.

Ellison, C. G. (1995) Rational choice explanations of individual religious behavior: Notes on the problem of social embeddedness. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 34: 89-97.

Heaton, T. B. and Cornwall, M. (1989) Religious group variation in the socioeconomic status and family behavior of women. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 28: 283-299.

Heaton, T. B. and Pratt, E. (1990) The effects of religious homogamy on marital satisfaction and stability. Journal of Family Issues, 11: 191-207.

Holy Bible. Fireside Bible Publishers: Wichita.

Lehrer, E. L. (2004) Religion as a determinant of economic and demographic behavior in the United States. Population and Development Review, 30: 707-726.

Manning, W. D. and Smock, P. J. (2002) First comes cohabitation and then comes marriage? A research note. Journal of Family Issues, 23: 1065-1087.

Pearce, L. D. and Axinn, W. G. (1998) The impact of family religious life on the quality of mother-child relationships. American Sociological Review, 63: 810-828.

Petersen, L. R. and Donnenwerth, G. V. (1997) Secularization and the influence of religion on beliefs about premarital sex. Social Forces, 75: 1071-1089.

Smock, P. (2000) Cohabitation in the United States: An appraisal of research themes, findings, and implications. Annual Review of Sociology, 26: 1-20.

Stolzenberg, R. M., Blair-Loy, and Waite, L. J. (1995) Religious participation in early adulthood: Age and family life cycle effects on church membership. American Sociological Review, 60: 84-103.

Teachman, J. (2003) Premarital sex, premarital cohabitation, and the risk of subsequent marital dissolution among women. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 65: 444-455.

The Holy See. (1994) Catechism of the Catholic Church. Double Day: New York.

Thornton, A. (1985) Reciporcal influences of family and religion in a changing world. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 47: 381-394.

Thornton, A. and Camburn, D. (1989) Religious participation and adolescent sexual behavior. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 51: 641-653.

Thornton, A. and Young-DeMarco, L. (2001) Four decades of trends in attitudes toward family issues in the United States: The 1960s through the 1990s. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 63: 1009-1037.

Wilhelm, B. (1998) Changes in cohabitation across cohorts: The influence of political activism. Social Forces, 77: 289-310.

Realizations

Less hatred here today. Friday was a bad day. I had spent Thursday evening with a friend only to be told that I am too harsh, of which I already know and upbraid myself for once more. Secondly I found out that a PsyD really isn't that great and I'd be better off with a PhD, however I can't understand statistics to the extent I think I would have to in order to sucessfully complete the PhD program.

Then, I've spent the last 3 weeks in a growing sense of doubt, questioning the validity of God calling me to the religious life. I have tried to spend some time with Him over the weekend, however more time is needed. I think that God would be happy with whatever choice I made regarding my life whether I get married, or enter the religious life. On Wednesday evening at InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, the point was made that God will fulfill His Will whether you participate or not, but if you participate there are blessings, graces, mercies, and eternal salvation. Yet, we can not ever fully know what God Wills, and therefore, if we make the choice to not enter a particular life path it does not mean we are damned. No final decision has been made, a lot more prayer is needed in this matter.

In other religious news about my life, I am hereforward not allowed to attend Mass until Advent because I need the time to study for the GREs. Confession of this should be fun to explain.

I hate myself today

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of the Invocation of the Trinity:
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the Incarnation of Christ with His Baptism,
The virtue of His crucifixion with His burial,
The virtue of His Resurrection with His Ascension,
The virtue of His coming on the Judgement Day.

I bind to myself today
The virtue of the love of seraphim,
In the obedience of angels,
In the hope of resurrection unto reward,
In prayers of Patriarchs,
In predictions of Prophets,
In preaching of Apostles,
In faith of Confessors,
In purity of holy Virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I bind to myself today
The power of Heaven,
The light of the sun,
The brightness of the moon,
The splendour of fire,
The flashing of lightning,
The swiftness of wind,
The depth of sea,
The stability of earth,
The compactness of rocks.

I bind to myself today
God's Power to guide me,
God's Might to uphold me,
God's Wisdom to teach me,
God's Eye to watch over me,
God's Ear to hear me,
God's Word to give me speech,
God's Hand to guide me,
God's Way to lie before me,
God's Shield to shelter me,
God's Host to secure me,
Against the snares of demons,
Against the seductions of vices,
Against the lusts of nature,
Against everyone who meditates injury to me,
Whether far or near,
Whether few or with many.

I invoke today all these virtues
Against every hostile merciless power
Which may assail my body and my soul,
Against the incantations of false prophets,
Against the black laws of heathenism,
Against the false laws of heresy,
Against the deceits of idolatry,
Against the spells of women, and smiths, and druids,
Against every knowledge that binds the soul of man.

Christ, protect me today
Against every poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against death-wound,
That I may receive abundant reward.
Christ with me, Christ before me,
Christ behind me, Christ within me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ at my right, Christ at my left,
Christ in the fort,
Christ in the chariot seat,
Christ in the poop [deck],
Christ in the heart of everyone who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks to me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I bind to myself today
The strong virtue of an invocation of the Trinity,
I believe the Trinity in the Unity
The Creator of the Universe.
Amen.

Pretty font colors :)

Persistant God,

Your voice beckons

like some secret yet to be revealed.

I am drawn to your invitation

yet scared by the possibilities

it might hold for my life.

You ask to be loved with

a whole heart,

a whole soul,

and a whole mind

and I tremble at the thought of what

that will demand of me and my life.

Lead me to a place where I can hear

the wisdom of your words.

Speak to me so that I can understand

your plan for me.

Call me to a life that serves you.

Strengthen me so that my "Yes!"

is louder than the world's "No!"

Gift me with the faith

to answer your call and the trust

to follow your footsteps

all the days of my life.

Amen.

I got this last friday from the LA Archdiocese's vocation director.

I've been introspective the last week days realizing how dependent I am on parental approval and how decisions about what degrees to obtain in graduate school can really go against what God may be calling me to.

First, I have been trying to make sense out of one thing, and I can only do that through an child-like metaphor. When children are first learning about themselves and the world, they develop a secure base with the parent to whom they are securely attached. What this means is that kids develop a strong and positive attachments to parents who are fun, loving, and attentive to their needs. A secure base, refers to the action of kids when they go and explore. It's an emotional bond that acts like a bungee cord between child and parent: the kid goes out and explores, looks back at mom (or dad) to see that she (or he) is still there and that they are safe, then they go on exploring, then the kid looks back some more, etc. This week I have been heavily thinking about pursuing more than a Masters, to go after a PsyD (it'll get the Dr. in front of my name) and it will allow me to do clinical therapy, but hopefully won't stress statistics quite as much. I told Dad about it on Monday evening and he was very pleased. So I went upstairs to tell Mom and she just shrugged it off! So Dad's approval pushes me onward, and Mom's ambivalence makes me hestitate. Don't you just love psychology! (I know I do).

Secondly, I've been thinking that with my personality and quirks that I don't know how cut out I am for community living, that I might be better off as "just" a consecrated virgin? I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I know that getting the PsyD will take about 5 years for me to complete, and that if I do become a sister I will lose my family. I will lose them, there's not a single doubt about that at all. It would break Gramma's heart, too. How do I do that to a widow? Besides, with the PsyD, I'd be able to do what I like, and I can't do that in a convent where the hours are aligned with those of the normal working world. I am attracted to the life style where I am self-sacrificing in that I could get a 2am attempted suicide emergency phone call, or having to rush out somewhere to help someone else and need to ignore the needs of someone in less urgent need of me. That kind of attention to other people is attractive to me, not in just myself, but in other people. I'd almost say it'd be a "turn on."

How do I know that this is what God truly wants and I'm not just running from the reality of being responsible for my own financial well-being? Of having to move out of the house? of having to answer to myself and the various bills I'll get? I know that God is calling me to do something, I just don't know quite what that is. It's just that I think it would be really weird if He were calling me to marriage because I don't see myself in that role. I enjoy being single, but the thought of being 60 years old and being alone in a home is scary to me. I don't like the idea of having children of my own, but I could adopt, God knows there's lots of abandoned Chinese baby girls that could use a nice, safe home; chinese babies are so cute. Are CVs able to be adoptee single moms? I have no idea. I'm grabbing at straws. I don't like uncertainty, but I'm also not afraid to say that I am uncertain. I hope that at least makes sense to you.

Hanegraff and his cults & life venues creates confusion

Confusion is not a fun little thing at all. I can only hide it for so long.

I have many different things on my mind. I could do up to three different degrees in graduate school: Ph.D., Psy.D., or a Masters (in any number of specializations). I could do any number of religious venues: a order, or a CV (consecrated virgin).

Sidenote:
Who the hell told Hank Hanegraff that he should support a theological and sociological cult?! If you still don't understand what exactly is wrong with the Local Church, ask me and I'll try to tell you from what I remember and used to understand. It's been about a year since I had to explain the twistedness of that group, and since you only retain the information that you rehearse, I might end up directing you towards a lot of web links from reputable sources that explain it better than I do. Once you leave the cult mentality, it's hard to understand it again once you're out.

Mish-Mash

The previous post was not my most intellectual.

I'm currently on blogger beta, it is just easier for me to access this blog from my Gmail account, otherwise you'd all be that much more neglected. I don't know if it creates hassles for anyone trying to access my site. The address is the same.

Things are changing. I took a look around my room this morning, looking at the scattered mess of textbooks and wanted to be rid of all that clutter. I see head-scarf wearing women on campus, and start to wonder if I should cover my own head. I don't even need to cover up entirely, maybe just a snood? (Snood is a medieval term, best to use in Google. Calling it a cloth shower cap doesn't do it justice). I know I'm young, and a girl, and therefore society calls us pretty. But, please stop looking at me! This place, called college, perhaps you've heard of it? Men look at women all day long, and I see their eyes. Sometimes they are honorable, other times not. I don't want to be stared at; you know what people ought to stare at? Art!

It's a friday, it's the 13th & I have midterms. You do not get a "normal" post.

Latin Mass? I might actually be able to find one "near" home then.

Am I projecting onto God?

I wonder if I am projecting my own feelings into which order God wants me to join. Why am I still curious about monastic and contemplative orders if I am not to join them? Am I to join them? or not? Why do I find myself wanting more and more silence? wanting less and less people? More and more union with God? With Christ? With Mary and all the Saints? When can I leave this Earth, so I can be with God? If I finish my God-given tasks, fulfill His Will sooner, will I go Home sooner? How can I know His will like that?

Moonbeams

I love the moon. I'm not someone who pulls out thier high-powered telescope to probe the moon's surface, or read up on the history of every single meteor that's buried deep in it's surface. I just like the moon. It glows. It's big and white-gray. God made it. Ergo, I love the moon.

God keeps waking me up all weeklong around 2-4am. Why? Because when I go to bed, the moon is not visible to me, and so I never see it. Rather, if God didn't wake me up at 2-4 am in the morning for the last few nights, I'd never see the moon. God wakes me up at the exact moment the moon is at perfect eye level to where I'm in my bed. I don't have to turn around. I don't have to lift my head. I don't have to shift out of the bedclothes that I've pulled snug around me. It's too perfect to be chance.

I was planning on reading God is Love last night before bed, but I got distracted by the inside fold of the cover. On the outside back of the cover there is this huge color, close-up of Pope Benedict XVI's face and that papal cape he so often wears. I thought that here was a man, along with all the other religious, who loves God just as much as I do, perhaps even moreso than I do at the present time.

James 1: 9-11.

The brother in lowly circumstances should take pride in his high standing,

and the rich one in his lowliness, for he will pas away "like the flower of the field."

For the sun comes up with its scorching heat and dries up the grass, its flower droops, and the beauty of its appeance vanishes. So will the rich person fade away in the midst of his pursuits.

This passage struck me last night, because just a few hours before during dinner with a friend I was worried about what would I do with my material possessions upon entering the convent. This vow of poverty that lingers in the distance sometimes bothers me, because then I figure I shouldn't buy anything now so that I won't have to part with it later. What was the point of buying all those souveniors in Rome this past summer if I can't display them? What is the point of new shoes if I can't use them 'til there's holes in the soles? What on earth am I going to do with all the fabric I bought for future quilts?

Oddly, God wants empty, vain, self-centered me.

Complaints? Call 1-800-CALLGOD

Espousal

For he who has become your husband is
your Maker;
his name is the LORD of hosts;
Your redeemer is the Holy One of Israel,
called God of all the earth.

Though the mountains leave their place
and the hills be shaken,
My love shall never leave you
nor my covenant of peace be shaken,
says the LORD, who has mercy on you.
Isaiah 54:5, 10

Me and God

I'm still in the desert and I am surprised by how much I like it because I thought it would be terrible: lost, thirsting, miserable. Instead I'm wrapped up in God.

I have been pulled away from my friends a bit, fewer "chance" encounters with people on campus, just seeing people when exactly necessary for comfort or to pass along a word of notice. I even avoid my MP3 a bit more, looking for the silence; but I'm not hiding in the chapel on campus. Instead I am sitting on park benches re-reading Hosea chapter 2 or browsing through the psalms.

God's teaching me, speaking to my heart often times without my realizing it. I've noticed that God is teaching me some things, speaking to me because I'm more accepting of some ideas that I would have balked at just days ago. He is showing me how I can be more than just His servant.

This time alone with God ... if I can be forward, I'll characterise as courtship? wooing? I only answer in the affirmative.

I like this "alone" time so much that I don't want to tell anyone anymore. I like it being just God and me.

We're a team
Me and God
-- Josh Turner, Me and God

Murphy's Law

Since she has not known

that it was I who gave her

the grain, the wine, and the oil,

And her abundance of silver,

and of gold, which they used for Baal,

Therefore I will take back my grain in its

time

and my wine in its season;

I will snatch away my wool and my flax,

with which she covers her nakedness.

So now I will lay bare her shame

before the eyes of her lovers,

and no one can deliver her out of myhand.

I will bring an end to all her joy,

her feasts, her new moons, her sabbaths,and all her solemnities.

I will lay waste her vines and fig trees,

of which she said, "There are the hire

my lovers have given me";

I will turn them into rank growth

and wild beasts shall devour them.

I will punish her for the days of the Baals,

for whom she burnt incense

While she decked herself out with her rings

and her jewels,

and, in going after her lovers,

forgot me, says the LORD.

Therefore, I will hedge her in her way with thorns

and erect a wall against her,

so that she cannot find her paths.

If she runs after her lovers, she hall not

overtake them;

if she looks for them she shall not find them.

Then she shall say, "I will go back t my first husband,

for it was better with me then than now."

So I will allure her;

I will lead her into the desert

and speak to her heart.

From there I will give her the vineyards she

had,

and the valley of Achor as a door of hope.

She shall respond there as in the days of her

youth,

when she came up from the land of Egypt.

On that day, says the LORD,

she shall call me "My husband,"

and never gain "My Baal."

Then will I remove from her mouth the

names of the Baals,

so that they shall no longer be invoked.

I will make a covenant for them on that day,

with the beasts of the field,

with the birds of the air,

and with the things that crawl on theground.

Bow and sword and war

I will destroy from the land,

and I will let them take their rest in

security.

I will espouse you to me forever:

I will espouse you in right and in justice,

in love and in mercy;

I will espouse you in fidelity,

and you shall know the LORD.

On that day I will respond, says the LORD;

I will respond to the heavens,

and they shall respond to the earth;

the earth shall respond to the grain, and wine, and oil,

and these shall respond to Jezreel.I

will sow him for myself in the land,

and I will have pity on Lo-ruhama.

I will say to Lo-ammi,

"You are my

people,"

and he shall say, "My God!"

Hosea 2:4-25