jobless & God

Forget intellectual post.

In school I was able to build up a routine of prayer between my class lecture hours, the extracirricular activities, and study periods. Graduation took away that schedule, and I spend all day, ALL day mind you, looking for jobs. If I'm not online actively looking or driving out to an interview, I'm nagged by my parents for why I'm not looking for a job. Well, let's see: I've been looking since April. It is now the middle of June. If I were to have a job, wouldn't I be having one by now, especially since its the only way for me to pay for graduate school? Mommy & daddy aint gonna pay for me. This university and these two degrees have done nothing but close doors in my face!

I've tried to set up a schedule of prayer and Bible reading for myself. I would like to do it everyday, but because I need to get up early, in order to get the prayers and job hunt done in the same 24 hour period, it's only every other day (MWF). I get up at 5:20am, pray the Rosary, read some psalms, & pray the Angelic Chaplet. Then in the evening I re-read the psalms and note/scribble in a notebook. Sometimes it's prayer, other times its frustrated questions.

I had what I would call a "Samuel Moment" Tuesday evening (~3 AM). It's frustrating to have that sense to just walk out on your life, and ask God "but WHERE do I go?!?"

In a week or so

I will try to have an intellectual post up here sometime in the next week (shooting for this week). It's been a while since I've done something other than complain here, but there are the Box.net files at the bottom of the page if anyone wants to read smarter things. I'd be surprised if you did read them because they are only undergraduate research papers.

On loving home

Thank you for your comments. It's easy to just type everything up, and leave it at that. Google Mail also just lets me moderate and publish the comments from my email. It's quick and convenient, which is why I am also posting here more often that I have in the past, since it's no longer just another blog on a random site that was outside of my typical routine.

This connectedness also forces me to read your comments, and because I haven't had these many different people reading my site in the past, I do take the time to carefully read the comments.

I know that Ginger & J.A. have left comments about love regarding the last (personal) post.

It is difficult, as I'm sure you all know. Family has that special ability to love, but also hurt, like few other social institutions of people can muster. It's easy to love when things are going well, and easy to hate when things have gone sour. The trick is to always love.

When I was at university for my undergraduate, I talked on quite a few occasions to Fr. Lawrence at the Catholic Center. Last time I spoke with him he said, and I'm going to paraphrase it: You [Megan] have the double bind of having to obey God's Word and Will, and having to honor father and mother as well.

It's no easier today than it was back in November 2006 or any other time before that.

I keep thinking of what I wrote the other day: it's like faith in God threatens them, it's something frightening and to be escaped. I phrase it "faith in God" because it appears to be easy to put thier faith into things like "luck," "chance," false gods & idols.
When there is behavior they want me to change, or they need an arguing point (a "get out of jail free" card to save their butt), religion comes up, and it's always my fault. They address it like one addresses "dirty laundry."

So I cleaned my room today. Religious icons out where they have always been, but letters and vocational packages have been discreetly hidden in plain sight. I am not going to stop them if they choose to rifle through my drawers and look at my Bibles, prayer cards, Christian & Catholic books.

I haven't been in the best of moods recently because I don't want to go out into the world and make $8.00 per hour with a 4-year degree. Yesterday, mom was less than sympathetic about it, and decided that prayer cards and Catholicism was a good thing to throw in my face, because surely that would "straighten" me "out." All she had to say, "Megan, when you graduated, there was no expectation of you from me that you would be employed at something other than a grocery store, bank, or clothing store." That's all! I felt like upon graduation it was expected that I find a job earning around $13+ per hour.

Whatever!

Meanwhile, Deus est Caritas sits on my bookshelf unread.
*Please, I know I don't sound loving on many of my posts, but know that I am trying.

Recap of Return to Faith

Religion/Faith/Catholicism "became too dominant" at my parents insistance ...

I could potentially phrase it that way, and I wouldn't be twisting and bending the truth THAT much.

I was 9 months out of the Local Church, but also 9 months out of any organized religion, and drifting aimlessly. I had finally figured out how to regain my 15 lost pounds, and how to "live" without religion. If you could call that living.

I did not want to go to that funeral Mass for an old Catholic elementary school classmate. My parents insisted at 10pm the night before that I attend it.

Just before Communion, I told God "I'm giving you one last chance, and this time it better be good, or I'm gone forever!"

Well, He's certainly made it good, hasn't He?

~*~

Now, nearly two years later mom and dad complain and whine about my faith. They put more energy into trying to sway me. They vigorously speak against Catholicism although they raised me in it, and it's almost as if they feel threatened by it. Why not take some of that energy and put it towards understanding the Catholic Church, and realize its not a "big bad wolf" at all?

I've been in their faithless world for 9 months, and folks, it was dark and hellish.

You can't get me to trade the Light for all that darkness; not a thing in the world will convince me.

Dad, the only one who knows about the Local Church, tries to use it against me. Says that I can't let religion be dominant, and that I've had trouble before. Hah! That's because I did not know my Bible, now I drop quotes and verses often enough because some of my best college friends are Baptists and other Protestants (memorising verses are important to them). Don't try to tell me what is and is not Catholicism or a genuine Christian doctrine or dogma if you yourself are ignorant of what is!
~*~

Aye, a little to late they are. I love it, even when it gets me trouble from my parents; well, when they don't like it, I like God even better. Just like two disgruntled teenagers whose parents don't want them to be seeing each other; the relationship grows stronger. Not the direction that my parents desire, is it?

~*~

I laughed when I first read that religiousity was my VIA strength, ahd how the top strenght is usually reported to be fun, great, and also a point of trouble for people.

Let Religion be Dominant!

You've all supplied good comments and support. Thanks for kicking my digital butt into gear! =)

When I was writing about my mom and said that I don't care about what she wants, I didn't mean it. I care about what she wants, but I also care deeply for what she doesn't care, or want, to percieve: the eternal destination of her soul.

I have a prayer card to St. Josemaria, and I prayed to him every day for the month of May for the acceptance to the MSW program at my alma mater.

Mom likes to "clean" my room in my absence. Read: snoop. Honestly, the mark of a good snooper is putting things back the same exact way you found them. She doesn't.

I asked Dad permission (at 22 years of age) this morning to attend Mass today, as I won't be able to go tomorrow because we are celebrating Gramma's birthday. He said that I could if my sister came home from her retail job on time, but to not make it a big deal if I couldn't go.

Then he says "when Mom was cleaning your room, I noticed you had a prayer card for Opus Dei..." Ignore the obvious misunderstanding of the pronouns of "I" and "mom."

He told me to not let religion become dominant in my life.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Matthew 10:34-36
Everyone who acknowledges me before others I will acknowledge before my heavenly Father. But whoever denies me before others, I will deny before my heavenly Father. "Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth. I have come to bring not peace but the sword. For I have come to set a man 'against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one's enemies will be those of his household.'