im tired just plain old tired ive been wandering into work this week 15 minutes late i can't drag myself out of bed on time anymore and i know that not having had a full nights sleep since October has something to do with it i got up to 112.8lbs the last week of december and ive promptly lost the 2 that i did gain im not eating 3 meals a day, and i dont want to its like those spring days meeting up with pk for sushi, he eats and i didnt i dont always get coffee anymore which kind of is my old stand by everyday of 2004 and 2005 was doable because i had coffee i eat because i have to i eat because others expect it of me i eat since i need to work and do many many things i dont do it because i have a keen interest in it but i did pay attention to flavor tonight when i went out for sushi nearly daily headaches im not surprised but theyre not as bad as the ones in 2004 and 2005 those years are my measuring stick ive got my pride i push it too far the difference between cutting off contact between me and my mom is that ill eventually leave my cloud of anger and hurt and come down off my horse and have regret and remorse but for now im just backing off for so many reasons im tired of work its boring and it stresses me out never knowing what is going on in terms of admissions and paperwork and im really not supposed to be handling a weekly migraine and im tired

im tired and i want to be left alone i want to do my things but i cant i have to hide away at book stores or friends places i have to clean my room when i go on weekend retreats as a chaperone im tired of having to be one step ahead and instantly 3 paces behind im tired of never being able to invite friends over or talk on the phone or read a book or write a novel without scrutiny i dont want to have fights over why i cant have a full time job in addition to an internship im tired of having to find things to do to stay out of my own house until other people are around because i cant handle her i need time to myself and i cant have it since everything needs an explanation and im tired of having to lie to get alone time so i keep myself around other people and i get flak for it and im tired

i cant move out governor brown is threatening to shut down adhcs and theres one rule that was spoken once and never repeated you can move out and well still love you but you cant move back in im not ready to face the possibility of homelessness and while ive adjusted to joblessness i dont think i could handle the two at once and who determined i was stable to do so anyway i mean staying at home is not helping me emotionally psychologically or socially but financially its a boon im just like my father in terms of money squirreling it away until i feel secure

maybe ill see you on the other side of sunday