reviewing

Starting all over again with a new therapist is very peculiar.  

I'm an introvert, so much is already in my head, so much is already analysed.  Why the need for a therapist? Because while I know mostly what needs to be addressed and implemented, I need a springboard.  I have to have someone else I can just say "I don't know" to or back off on my own thoughts and hear from a third party.  

It's one thing to resume treatment with a therapist, it's a whole other chicken to begin telling the story all over again.  It's hard not to keep my therapist in the dark, to have to lay it all out there at once.

Today hurts because I woke up with thoughts of my job being completely replaceable, nothing special.  There is little that I do at work that someone could not do better.  I fail each day that I do not get around to doing group therapy; I fail each day that I don't know exactly who needs to be reached out to on a frequent basis.

This afternoon I was reminded that the cost of being an introvert is that my best friend is about to leave for seminary in September.  I don't have many other friends that I can turn to, as I do to him.  I don't trust myself with many people.  I don't want to bog people down.  There are plenty of times I need someone, but I don't have a close-enough friend around.  But my 'needing someone' isn't what I think others expect.  I'm not going to be crying or using tissues. I'm more likely to springboard, analyze, whine a little, and sometimes I just need someone to sit with me.

Crying is something I do over the state of affairs in the World, and usually for the state of Souls, rather than over what I experience.  The things I experience in life bring anger, and hurt that tears can't fix.  If I can't find someone to hang out with tomorrow evening, I'll probably hit up the Chapel for Divine Mercy Chaplet and spend my time there.  It's been too long; He's too Good.

***

Over the past week I've had one friend say that he's likely to enter seminary in the fall, and had another leave.  All this religious life talk is helping me to see that I never addressed having to decline my acceptance to the SMMEs.  In 2009, sure there was the huge scene with my mom once she learned that I was called to religious life, but in 2010 when I had to turn the SMMEs down due to my loan situation, it passed without incident.  I informed very few people.  The wound is still open.