This shouldn't be new information to you at this point: I'm tired.
Dragged myself out of bad this morning, running late. Getting into work, I sat at my desk literally sat still for 5 minutes trying to think of what to do. It's not for a lack of work, but for too much. I'm behind in my IPCs, haven't ran a single group session, behind on my quarterly notes.
The other social worker is saying things like "Let's go eat" and my visceral reaction is "no thanks" because I've gone from "being too stressed to eat" to having no appetite whatsoever. For example, I was watching television this afternoon with a girlfriend and a KFC commercial aired. I wanted to buy a bucket, for a split second, to see if the pieces actually looked like the image, but not out of interest in the scent, flavor, or sustenance. I take extra hot showers just to chase away the cold.
For the past two weeks my back pain went away. It's returned. I can't sit, stand, or lay in any comfortable position, and the same goes for my neck and shoulders. The pain is stress related, I carry all my stress psychosomatically.
And if anyone's reading this and flipping out, the conversation I had with my girlfriend this afternoon is telling. I said that I think I might be headed straight into depression. I'm not surprised by it. For all the damaging things I do to myself (I consider not eating self injurious behavior), I'll never kill myself. For those who say "never say never" let me make something clear. If this is indeed a depressive episode, it will be my sixth. I've had darker, more dangerous episodes than anything I could be experiencing now. I didn't attempt anything then, and won't be doing so now. If I act out, well, what can I say? I have done so in the past and may well do so in the future.
I've got therapy tomorrow at 10am. Afterwards I'll be going shopping with the girls, and dinner, and possibly a bar. Right now, I'm going to try to get more than 5 hours of sleep, like I did last night.
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